Intimacy

I've been missing my husband of late.  Not that he's out of town or psychologically absent or anything, I just miss being able to pour my heart and soul out to him and that sense of relief that came after he listened.  Not that I can't do that now mind you...wait...let me explain.

 

Our relationship was built on dinner.  Yep - third meal of the day sometimes referred to as supper - dinner.  Before children, we went out to dinner 4-6 nights a week.  Those dinners lasted entire evenings.  Sometimes we went with friends but most of the time we went alone.  Since we were together 10 years before my oldest came along, that's a whole lot of eating and drinking.  So much drinking.  But during those dinners we learned everything there was to know about each other.  We talked about everything during those dinners - well, okay - we mostly talked about me.  But that's what girls do!  And men listen.

After we had our kids, we started date nights.  It began as once a month and then as the years went by and the kids got older, it changed to once a week.  What did not change was the talking.  Those were my times to open the flood gates and let it all out.  See, over those years there was a lot of drama in our family.  There were custody battles for nieces and nephews, there were job issues, there were entrepreneur issues, there were deaths. and at the end, there was helping my mom to die...coping was all about date night.  Eating, talking, crying, venting and of course, drinking.  Lots and lots of drinking.  So much drinking.

Then I started drinking at home.

I used to have a rule - I never drank at home.  Never.  I think that's why we went out so much in the beginning of our relationship because I wouldn't drink at home and I couldn't do the mental vomit thing without the wine.  I didn't start drinking at home until the kids were older and my mom was getting sick and honestly killing me in the process.  It started with one glass of wine on Thursday nights after the kids were in bed and while we watched House Hunters.  That's also when I began to lose control...

I don't want to give the impression that I ever really had control - I do not, nor have I ever had an off switch.  Once started, I am most certainly going to get drunk.  However, the whole "not drinking at home" made me feel like I had control even though I spent the days before date night craving that first sip of Chardonnay.  Yeah...control...har har...

But I digress.  Now I don't have that lever that opens the gates and removes the inhibitions.  Now I have the bitch with the boxing gloves in my head to tell me to shut up and stop whining.  Now I have real control.  Now I have been rendered mute.

When I first got sober I was emotionally raw and able to do the mental vomit thing if poked.  Husband poked, I talked.  But now...well I'm not sure what is happening.  Do I not need to do that anymore?  Is that what this blog is about - an outlet?  Are we both just too old and settled to fight for that kind of intimacy - or do we not need it anymore.  He used to know just what to say to me exactly when I needed it.  Now sometimes I don't even think he knows who I am which is convenient because most of the time I don't either.  And what's worse, I don't think I know who he is either - I mean, what he REALLY is...down deep...mostly because I don't think I've ever actually asked him.  I was too concerned about me.

I guess I thought he would be more a part of me figuring out who I am now which is not really fair because this is not his fight - it's mine. But I'm truly a little lost.  I hope we can get to that scene in When a Man Loves a Woman when Andy Garcia shows up at Meg Ryan's AA meeting and says all those things she's been waiting to hear.  Wonder if that movie is on Netflix...