Friday, January 27, 2012

On Praying

Here lately I just haven't been "feeling it" when I pray and I don't know why.

I pray in my sanctuary (my shower) every morning out loud.  First I say the prayer of Jabez and then the Serenity Prayer.  Then I thank God for all my blessings and for the day.  Then I do my please bless ______ depending upon who's on my prayer list for the day and what their challenges are, and I always conclude with my family.  THEN I zero in on what I want or need for the day. (Why am I always last - no wait, that's another post entirely....forget that for now.)

In the past, I've had moments when a calm or an "ahhhh" feeling would come over me after my prayers when I knew, without a moment's doubt, that God was there holding my hand or wrapping His arms around me.  He's even spoken to me in the shower a couple of times - in my head of course - but the message was as clear as if you were speaking to me.  At those times the "AHHHHH" was definitely in capital letters.

I'm having a hard time finding that recently.  No "ahhh's".  No words in my head.  No arms around me.

Now the good Catholic girl in me (or is in the ACOA or the child of a narcissist or that bitch with the boxing gloves) says that I must be doing something wrong.  God is punishing me because I'm not praying right.  Or I'm not getting through the switchboard (which I know is always jammed given the state of our world) because I'm not saying the right words.  Or, and this is my biggest fear, because I'm not something (trusting, faithful, doing enough to get to my goals, patient...whatever) that He has just moved on.  Wow...just typing that puts a lump in my throat.

Intellectually I know (I think I know anyway) that God would not abandon me no matter what I've done but in my heart I'm not so sure.

Wish I knew what to do about this...guess I'll pray about it.

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