Friday, February 3, 2012

The Golden Child

I have always been perceived as being the golden child, the chosen one, the most favored.  As a child, things came easily to me.  I thought this was God's way of making up for making me ugly (which I am not but you should have seen my sister in her prime - Sandra Bullock would have looked ugly next to her) and for giving me the slowest metabolism on the planet.  I never worked hard at school and I still got all A's.  I picked up games and tasks very easily.  I had an almost photographic memory and an extremely high IQ and, on top of it all, I was sweet and funny.

When I started working after high school, things just fell in my lap.  Need a job - poof - dream job in your lap.  Need a new assignment - poof - phone rings and there it is.  Need exposure to the bosses - poof - just happens that they're in the same bar as you boozing it up (it was the 80's after all).  Need a degree - poof - 4 years later you've got one.

I never even had to interview for a position until recently.  I was just noticed for my hard work and promoted.  If I did have to interview, I always got the job.

My love life was no exception.  Early marriage to my high school sweetheart didn't work out.  That's okay.  Amicable, non contested, still remained friends for awhile divorce, followed by the man of my dreams entering my life and (and I still can't figure this one out) falling in love with ME!  Almost 30 years later he stills makes my heart flutter and I thank God every morning that he still loves me.

Then I wanted to have kids.  Okay, so it took a year to get pregnant but once I did I had a perfect pregnancy followed by the birth of the most perfect baby ever.  Let's have another one!  Oh wait - God loves you so much you're getting identical twins.  These guys stayed put for 38 weeks and came out 6 lbs 4 ozs each with no problems.  Easy peasy - two more perfect babies.

Then about 9 or 10 years ago things started to go to shit.  This coincided with a move to a new town, my mother's health deteriorating and...oh yeah...my drinking escalating exponentially.  That may have had something to do with it I think.

I now know (the more I'm into recovery and the more I learn through AA), that it had everything to do with it.  The stress and the drinking made me unhappy with who I was and I directed those feelings into my job and my attitude.  It wasn't long before I was looking for a new job and a move to another city.  Yep, that's the ticket.  Uproot your family, sell your dream home and move to a new city and a new job but whatever you do...don't fix yourself!  Why do that?  You're the Golden Child, The Most Favored, The Chosen One.  There can't be anything wrong with your thinking...it must be everyone else.

Sigh...since then it seems that nothing has gone right.  I am hoping that learning how to change my thinking from that of an alcoholic to that of an alcoholic in recovery, will help me to focus on what I DO have rather what I do not have.  I hope it allows me to forgive myself for messing it all up when it was so right.  (Damn I can get so angry with myself about that!  got.to.learn.to.let.it.go.)  I also pray it helps me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up so that I can focus on getting the right job and setting things straight again. 

But most of all, I want it to teach me to dream again...and to believe that to myself, and to God, I am still the Golden Child.

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