Friday, February 17, 2012

Oh My Frickin' God!

e·piph·a·ny

[ih-pif-uh-nee] noun, plural -nies.
  1. ( initial capital letter ) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.
  2. an appearance or manifestation, especially of a deity. 
  3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. 
  4. a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.
  5. a brick hurled from the heavens to wake up or send a message to certain, stubborn, self centered people who can't hear what He is trying to tell them.
In case you were wondering, that last definition is for me since what I had while praying this morning can only be described as an epiphany.
 
As I was saying the Serenity Prayer this morning, I was thinking that I wish I could feel this prayer more in my heart as I was saying it.  That led me to think that maybe I didn't mean it and that's why I couldn't feel it...and then BAM!  The brick slammed into my head...the reason I don't feel it is because I don't believe it because I think I got sober ALL BY MYSELF!!!
 
Oh my frickin' God!  That is what I think! (Warning:  this post will require the use of many exclamation points, CAPS, and italics - if you don't like it, I don't really care.) I think that I am such an amazing and all powerful human being that I magically woke up one morning sober.  After that, I made it through withdrawals and the remaining 23 months of uncertainty and pain without so much as God lifting a finger.
 
I thanked Him every morning for the sun and the moon and my family and my life...but never for my sobriety!  Nope, that I saved exclusively for myself.  Holy shit!
 
As the brick landed firmly against my numbskull, I realized why God asked me to go to AA (THAT I heard loud and clear while praying).  He sent me there after all this time sober so that I could get it through my thick head that no one does this alone and especially not without their Higher Power (mine happens to be the Big Guy).  He also reminded me of the following:
  • The number of times I was drunk off my ass after two or three bottles of wine that I knelt down and prayed for Him to help me to be sober.
  • The number of times my kids woke me up in a living room chair where I had passed out, concern on their faces, to send me to bed.  And as I stumbled up the stairs to my bed, I asked God to please help me stop hurting my kids.
  • The number of times I woke up with a hangover and asked Him not to let me drink that day.
  • The number of times we were getting ready to go out and I prayed for Him not to let me get too drunk.  Please don't let me embarrass myself.
  • The number of times I prayed that there wouldn't be an emergency overnight because I wouldn't be able to function, much less drive, if there were.
  • The number of times I prayed for my friends not to be mad at me because I couldn't remember what I said or did the night before.
There are many more but my hands are shaking so bad as I type this that I need to move on...
 
He heard every single one of those prayers and what's more, he answered EVERY DAMN ONE!  Not in my time but in the time that was right for me.  I am such an ass.
 
So now I'm going to close and, as my mother used to say, sit and think about what I've done.  Then I'm going to go to a Speaker meeting tonight and really listen with an open heart to what God can do.  Then, before I close my eyes tonight, I am going to thank God for my sobriety.
 
 

2 comments:

  1. Now, that is certainly an epiphany even if I think that you did a great deal yourself in the establishment of this personal beachhead...let us pray that GOD will allow you to continue on this learning and listening pathway!!!

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  2. I'm glad you are sober... I just found you btw. I am new to your blog and story so I have to read this thing backwards. =)

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