Monday, March 19, 2012

Amazing Grace

My beloved Chesapeake Bay

I grew up without.  Without the right kind of love.  Without nurturing.  Without security.  Without proper clothes.  Without proper nourishment.  Without a "normal" family. Without...without...without...  Which means I grew up to want what I didn't have...which in my child brain was everything.

I used to want.  I wanted for everything.  A bigger house.  Nicer furniture.  Granite countertops.  More land.  Less land.  A smaller body.  A fitter body.  New clothes.  Nicer cloths.  Bigger diamonds for my ears.  A nicer car.  Sobriety.

When you grow up without and you learn to want, an interesting thing happens.  You begin to seek out that which you do not have.  Except most of the time you don't understand that it's something within you rather than a material possession that you can obtain with the right amount of time, money or other resources.

And so I obtained.   I obtained everything I wanted and many things I didn't know I wanted until I saw them.  All of it, except a few choice items, I didn't really need...but I wanted so I obtained.

I obtained myself right into alcoholism, obesity and debt.  And still I wanted.  It was never enough.  In fact, there wasn't enough to fill the hole.  The one I later understood and began to describe as the hole in my soul.

Then I got.  I got the one thing that triggered an understanding of why I wanted so much.  I got sober.  The farther I move into sobriety and, more importantly, recovery, the more I understand that what I want isn't a material thing.  It isn't a mood altering thing either.  It's just...peace.  The kind of peace that comes with serenity and forgiveness and time spent with your HP...for me that's quiet contemplation and meditation and prayer.

Now I have.  I have everything.  A wonderful home.  Furniture that fits the needs of my family in spite of the fact that it's worn around the edges and a little faded - it has character.  Land - just enough that we aren't slaves to it on the weekends but can still have a mean cookout.  A body that has birthed three children and nutured countless others and still makes my husband's heart go pitter patter from time to time (personally I can't figure that one out - I'm just grateful).  Clothes in every size thanks to the search for the perfect body.  Perfect diamond studs purchased by my husband eons ago that hold many memories in their sparkly facets.  A little Civic that gets 42 mpg and with gas prices as they are - it's the perfect car.  Sobriety. 

And here's the funny thing...I haven't spent a dime.  I had everything all along - I just couldn't see it.

Was blind.

But now I see.


  1. So glad you wrote this today, it got me to thinking about a lot of things. I love your openness.

  2. Beautiful post! I love your perspective. Thanks for sharing!


  3. Goose bumps! You always shine the light for me, like a beacon. You are so right. I have been pouty all day at work because I felt my weekend ended too soon, I am not progressing at my job and well anything else I could find to whine about. Truth is I just didn't get enough sleep because my man and I were up late playing sober sequence board game lol! Life is good, thanks for the reminder :)

    1. That is so sweet of you to say! It means a lot to me so thank you!!!


  4. That hole inside... like an empty space in the very soul, I have had that too (maybe it's still there). It is as you describe it - a desire or an intense hunger that cannot be satisfied. It hurts like hell. I used to say that I have no problems handling physical pain, but that emotional or spiritual ache is horrible and I have drunken much on that feeling.

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful and honest post... You have come so far, it makes me happy to read this. How you describe where you are today, how you live in a state of gratitude and love.

    You are a true inspiration - thank you for being you and that you share some of that wisdom that goes on in your mind.

    Take care *hugs*

  5. Beautiful post. Never heard about that hole in the soul until I got sober, but it's so true. In the last 6 months, I've resisted buying things because I've been able to step back and realize I don't need them. That has to be sobriety.

    Also, I'm from MD so love the picture and caption at top :)

    1. Kristen-

      That picture is from Breezy Point Beach on the bay. I spent a lot of time there in my youth. We lived in southern Maryland before moving to Salisbury. We've been here in southern US and the only thing I really miss about home is the bay and blue crabs. One day I'll retire to a small cottage there. ;-)

      Thanks for commenting. It means so much.


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