When I began this blog I promised myself that I may not be a great writer but that I would always be honest with how I felt and what I wrote. As I was trying to decide this morning what my topic for the day would be - I actually take a minute and ask myself, what do I feel like writing about today - one topic kept coming back...I don't feel like going to my AA meetings.
So of course I had to start examining my motivation and WHY I was feeling the way I was feeling. AND I had to beat down the Boxing Bitch since she was all set and ready to jump into the ring with, "See! Here you go again! You start something and just as you get into it you want to quit. You're such a quitter." To which I replied, "Why yes, yes I am a quitter BB and aren't we all glad about that since that's what I used to quit drinking." Knocked her out and shut her the hell up.
But I did have to think a little about why that thought popped up in my pea brain in the first place. Was I quitting and sabotaging myself? Am I backing away just as they are beginning to reach out and try to get to know me? Am I shutting myself off from them and clenching my heart tighter? Hmmmm....
It's true that I feel like I've been closing myself off from things lately. When I'm done with work I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to snuggle into my comfy chair, watch Idol and play on my iPad. I don't want to go out and socialize or see anyone. When I was drinking I used to isolate myself up in my bedroom with HGTV and several bottles of Chardonnay. At least now I'm downstairs with the rest of the family, interacting and loving them.
Or is it just that it's winter and it's cold and I'm tired when I get home. I keep hoping Spring would hurry up and get here so that I would feel inspired to exercise in the evening. Every time the weather even hints at higher temperatures, I am filled with energy and I grab the dogs and my son and we go for a long and strenuous walk. It feels so good to move. But truthfully, I still don't want to go anywhere after I exercise but for totally different reasons. Leaving the house after a workout would require a shower, hair and makeup just to get out the door.
Or is it just because I feel like they want more of me than I want to give right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want something for nothing. I'm willing to make coffee, read out loud or reach out to newcomers to make them feel welcome but I don't want to do it 7 nights a week. I don't even want to claim a "home" group yet. Everyone keeps saying I need to claim the Women's group as my home group. The problem with that is that they meet at 6:30 on Tuesday which I can't commit to because of work and on Saturday mornings at 11:00, which is a little better but my weekend mornings are already full. I like my Monday evening Discussion meeting followed by a Friday evening Speaker Meeting and that's all I want to do! Since I'm not in fear or danger of relapse...can't that be enough? Or does it take total immersion to get the full impact of the program.
Sorry - I have a tendency to overthink things.
I want the serenity that AA provides its members but I don't want it to be my whole life. It's not that I'm ashamed of being in AA, quite the contrary. For the first time in my life I'm not feeling shame - what a relief that is. It's just that I don't want to be defined by it either. I want to be more than just a member of AA. I want to have more friends than just my AA friends. I want to go to more than just AA events and I want a social calendar filled with more than just AA related gatherings.
Or I just want to sit in my comfy chair in the evening and not feel guilty about it?