Sunday, June 17, 2012

Oh What a Beautiful Morning

The view in my backyard this morning.


We have been experiencing some GORGEOUS weather the last few days.  As a native of the southern half of the east coast, I am not used to weather like this in the summer.  The lack of humidity makes me think of when I was in San Franciso many years ago.  I remarked that all of the restaurants were open air and that it seemed there were no screens on any windows.

"Where are all the bugs?  How come they don't have any bugs?" I asked.

"They can't afford the rent," my friend deadpanned.

Touche'

In my "normal" drinking days, waking up on a day like this would have me plotting a way to get to an outside cafe for dinner so that we (I) could drink alfresco.  I would have us start with lunch and then just keep drinking the day away.  I can't tell you how many beautiful days like this I spent in a dark bar drinking the day away and remarking how nice the weather was....wait...what?

Now you see why I put "normal" in quotation marks.  I'm fairly certain that normal people don't wake up on a beautiful day and think about how and when they will get to drink.  I could be wrong but I don't think I am.

After I started drinking at home, I used days like this to start drinking earlier than usual.  Usually I waited until sometime between 5 and 8 to kick off my festivities; but on days like this I'd justify an early glass of wine by saying I was going to relax on the back porch and enjoy the weather and before I knew it, I was off to the races again.

Now don't get me wrong, while I was waiting for an appropriate happy hour I might give the day a half hearted attempt by walking the dogs, or sitting on the back porch reading or gardening or, when we lived in our old house, making a trip to the beach with all the windows down.  But it was all to make me appear more normal than I was.  The entire time I was thinking about how and when I could drink.

Newsflash..."normies" don't spend a beautiful day thinking about drinking.  They DO stuff...or not.  But they don't sit around obsessing about how and when they are going to drink. 

Here's the worst part - I still think that way.  My first thought upon waking the last few days has been, "What a great day to have a glass of wine on the porch."  Really?  30 months of sobriety that's STILL what I think on a beautiful, God blessed Sunday?  Sigh...

Of course it may be the best part as well.  It keeps me humble and reminds me that my alcoholism is a part of me just like my cowlicks, oily skin and wrinkly thumbs.  It's in my DNA and I can't get rid of it any more than I can get rid of my olive green eyes or slow metabolism...it just IS.

And the sooner I accept that fact, the sooner I can give myself a break and get on with my life as a sober and recovering alcoholic.

2 comments:

  1. It is what it is, baby...I love you for all that you are and do....

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are doing so great, and I recognize the humbleness that grows within when reminded of the old drunken days. Gosh... it is so good to be sober.

    ReplyDelete

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