Some Things Never Change

Not my cobbler but I bet mine tasted better anyway.

I made a kick-ass cherry cobbler last night for one of my "adopted" children because it was his birthday.  Today he gets cherry pie...it will also be kick-ass.  Just sayin'.

I had some cobbler last night.  It was a normal size portion.  Nevertheless, it sat in my stomach like a rock and threatened to give me indigestion so I slept propped up.  I tried, very, very, hard not to beat myself up about the cobbler.  It was a normal size portion.  It was a treat. 

No such luck.  Just like when I used to wake up with a raging hangover, my very first thought upon waking was, "Okay, if I eat really light today and get on an eating plan next week then I can make up for eating the cobbler."  Followed immediately by, "OMG what is wrong with me...why can't I control my eating?"

Um - it was one serving of cobbler. 

It's hard to break a habit that is so ingrained in your psyche.  I've spent a lifetime thinking this way so it might be a little while before I stop thinking this way.  As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm still beating myself up in my head and trying to bargain with myself to make up for what my brain sees as a major transgression.

When I was drinking, I can remember waking every freaking morning and saying to myself, "I will not drink today.  I will spend sober time with my family and make up for my asinine behavior and my isolationism.  In fact, I think I won't drink for a couple of days just so I can prove to myself that I can do it.  Yeah...that's good."  Then I would feel renewed enough to get on with my day.

In the early days, I might actually not drink for a few days but I would be miserable.  I would be constantly thinking about ways to get to drink.  I'd be planning that day when I could drink and how I would do it.  Would I be obvious and just buy a bottle of wine?  Nope...I would come up with a story that would make it okay to break my fast.  That way I'd be justified.

"Lots of people drink like me.  And they certainly drink to celebrate.  Okay, on Friday I'll celebrate something and go buy a bottle of wine.  Then again, I'd better get two or three since we're bound to have company this weekend.  Then again, you get a 15% discount if you buy 6.  Yeah...I'll get six.  But not until Friday."

And I'd be off to the races again.

Later, toward the end, I'd barely make it to 4:00 before I was off to the races.  Blessedly that didn't last very long.

Just typing this has me shaking my head.  Who in the name of God THINKS this way?  Oh yeah...alcoholics do.  Okay...glad I figured that one out.

So now I've decided not to eat today.  I'll be fine right?  Well, maybe I should eat a little something.

Finally, blessedly I tell the staff...(sorry - my blogs are bleeding into one another - not sure what I'm going to do about that one.)

Just...shut...the...fuck...up...please.

Because this is one that another hour's sleep and two Excedrin with a Diet Pepsi won't help.  Well...maybe the Diet Pepsi will.

Namaste