Pages

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Unclenching My Life


Not me.
Control freak is a mild approximation of my personality.  I'm better than I used to be but I'm still a control freak.  I am uneasy when things are not in my control.  It's the reason I can't sleep on planes - that is the ultimate in having no control and there's no way I can relax in a situation like that.  It makes a red eye from the west coast a nightmare (pun intended).

It doesn't take a shitload of money on a fancy shrink to figure out where these control issues were born.  I grew up in a situation where everything around me was out of control.  As a result, I sought to control the things that I could control - eating, sleeping, grades, working, money, clothes...etc.  I was clenched in all ways for the majority of my life.

That's how I approached alcohol and food in the beginning.  I had very strict rules about eating and working out and drinking.  The only thing I did in an out of control way was smoke - everyone needs an outlet.  I thought I had escaped the addiction gene when, in reality, I had become addicted to control (and nicotine - but that one I acknowledged).  I had to be in control at all times.

That's why I was bossy.
That's why I was always the nuturer - it's controllable
That's why I didn't cry.
That's how I could compartmentalize my life so that I could survive.

I just clenched and made it through.  In fact, I still clench my teeth at night.  I've developed TMJ as a result and I suffer from daily headaches because of it.  Go figure.

Anyway, like everyone else on the planet I started to get old.  My metabolism began to slow and I began to put on a few pounds...not many...just enough to make my clothes snug and uncomfortable.  And all the things that I used to do (cut down on food, exercise more) were not working!  I was rising to the dreaded size 12 and I didn't like it.  (I was a 10 for most of my life and I thought I was FAT...ugh!)  I obsessed and cried and complained (kind of like I do now...hmmm).

Then, one day, I decided to just let it go.  I remember the exact moment.  I was on a business trip at a luncheon.  I had just broken down and purchased new size 12 clothes and I felt fantastic!  I wasn't constantly pulling and tugging and my waistband wasn't digging into me.  I decided that maybe I should just accept my body the way it was and relax a little.

Boy was that a mistake.  I didn't realize at that moment the monster that I had unleashed.

I began to slack off on my workouts.  I started eating more.  Even more disturbing, I started drinking more.  I was breaking all my rules in an effort to lighten up and give myself a break.  The problem was, I didn't have the tools to manage my life without constant viligance and control.  Consequently, I fell apart.

The next 10 years were a slow decent into obesity and alcoholism.  All because I lost control.  Or did I give up control.  Does it matter?

Here's the thing though - I am so glad I did!  I know that probably sounds insane but if I hadn't lost control and fallen apart, I would have never found recovery.  Right now I am not in a good place as far as my self esteem and confidence is concerned but I am more serene and happy than I've ever been about my life and how I want to live it.

I know that, with God's help, I will find myself again and my new self will not have to clench to maintain control.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life literally squeezing it to death in the vice that is control.  I want it to flow like my beloved Chesapeak Bay - quiet and flowing most days, turbulent and churned up when it storms, but easy to quell when it's over.  And after the storm?  I want the ability to look at what was churned up and appreciate it for what it is - life on life's terms.

Enjoy your day people.  Take some time to unclench.

Namaste

2 comments:

  1. This is such an inspiring post for me! I've made a life of trying to control everything and everyone. It hasn't worked out too well. Great reminder to "unclench". Glad I found your blog, I look forward to reading more.

    Summer

    Oh and PS: Loved your post about being weary. Osteen speaks to my heart, too. Damn, those small shovels. Here's to bigger ones for all of us. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good post Sherry . . . I grind my teeth and wake up with jaw-ache. I can't delegate either, the few times I've been too ill to keep on top of the "house work", I've had panic attacks and nightmares about losing control. I did used to clean obsessively, until I was alone with 3 kids . . . then I relaxed a little on the cleaning ;-)

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.