Funny word "weary". It just sounds funny on my tongue. Kind of like worn out and teary all wrapped up into one. And that's kind of what it is really...worn out and (if you're me) prone to tearing up at the drop of a hat.
I watch Joel Osteen on Sunday mornings because I like his message. This week he mentioned the word weary in his sermon and it got me thinking that weary is a very good way to describe how I've been feeling lately about a lot of things.
Webster's defines it this way...
1. physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.
2. characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey.
3. impatient or dissatisfied with something (often followed by of ): weary of excuses.
4. characterized by or causing impatience or dissatisfaction; tedious; irksome: a weary wait.
Yeah...I'd say that about covers it. I'm weary of waiting for a full time, permanent job to come through with decent benefits so that the financial burden can be eased and my kids can go to the eye doctor, dentist and doctor again.
I'm weary of whiney people - spoiled kids and even more spoiled grown-ups who have no idea how blessed they are and feel entitled to more - or just entitled to bitch and moan about what they don't have or how they don't like what they are so blessed to have.
I'm weary of carting around 50 extra pounds and I'm even more weary of talking/thinking/obsessing about it. I'm getting on my own damn nerves. I'm weary of having no self-esteem or confidence and not being able to figure out where it went (well...okay...that one I know) and how to get it back.
I'm weary of non-existent intimacy with the hubs (no...this is not about sex...well not entirely) because...well I'm not sure why but I'm sure it's my fault.
Yep...I like that word.
But Joel also talked about being weary and not giving up. Because that's when we're about to turn the corner...when we're at our most weary. God is there and if we're faithful and we believe in Him, He'll never give us more than we can handle and He'll always be there to set it right.
Yo Big Guy...I think I've arrived. I mean...I know You know and You'll let me know when You're damn good and ready but really? I'm pretty sure I'm there.
However, Joel also mention the F word...Faith. That's one I've been struggling with ever since I began this journey into sobriety and all the shit that comes along with it (good and bad). Not faith in God per se, but faith in the fact that I'm worthy of His grace. That I'm deserving of Him being there for me. There's always that feeling that I'm being punished for my mistakes and that nothing I do will make up for it and put me back in his good graces.
So apparently, now, when I'm so road weary and just plain spent, I'm supposed to dig down deep and rely on my faith to assure me that God's got my back and that it's all going to work out exactly as it should.
I feel like I have the smallest shovel in the universe. Sigh...
Oh well...guess I'd better get to digging.