Monday, July 9, 2012

Weary



Funny word "weary".  It just sounds funny on my tongue.  Kind of like worn out and teary all wrapped up into one.  And that's kind of what it is really...worn out and (if you're me) prone to tearing up at the drop of a hat.

I watch Joel Osteen on Sunday mornings because I like his message.  This week he mentioned the word weary in his sermon and it got me thinking that weary is a very good way to describe how I've been feeling lately about a lot of things.

Weary.

Webster's defines it this way...

wea·ry

[weer-ee]  adjective, wea·ri·er, wea·ri·est, verb, wea·ried, wea·ry·ing.
adjective
1. physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.
2. characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey.
3. impatient or dissatisfied with something (often followed by of ): weary of excuses.
4. characterized by or causing impatience or dissatisfaction; tedious; irksome: a weary wait.
 
Yeah...I'd say that about covers it.  I'm weary of waiting for a full time, permanent job to come through with decent benefits so that the financial burden can be eased and my kids can go to the eye doctor, dentist and doctor again. 
 
I'm weary of whiney people - spoiled kids and even more spoiled grown-ups who have no idea how blessed they are and feel entitled to more - or just entitled to bitch and moan about what they don't have or how they don't like what they are so blessed to have. 
 
I'm weary of carting around 50 extra pounds and I'm even more weary of talking/thinking/obsessing about it.  I'm getting on my own damn nerves.  I'm weary of having no self-esteem or confidence and not being able to figure out where it went (well...okay...that one I know) and how to get it back. 
 
I'm weary of non-existent intimacy with the hubs (no...this is not about sex...well not entirely) because...well I'm not sure why but I'm sure it's my fault.
 
Yep...I like that word.
 
But Joel also talked about being weary and not giving up.  Because that's when we're about to turn the corner...when we're at our most weary.  God is there and if we're faithful and we believe in Him, He'll never give us more than we can handle and He'll always be there to set it right. 
 
Yo Big Guy...I think I've arrived.  I mean...I know You know and You'll let me know when You're damn good and ready but really?  I'm pretty sure I'm there.
 
However, Joel also mention the F word...Faith.  That's one I've been struggling with ever since I began this journey into sobriety and all the shit that comes along with it (good and bad).  Not faith in God per se, but faith in the fact that I'm worthy of His grace.  That I'm deserving of Him being there for me.  There's always that feeling that I'm being punished for my mistakes and that nothing I do will make up for it and put me back in his good graces. 
 
So apparently, now, when I'm so road weary and just plain spent, I'm supposed to dig down deep and rely on my faith to assure me that God's got my back and that it's all going to work out exactly as it should. 
 
I feel like I have the smallest shovel in the universe.  Sigh...
 
Oh well...guess I'd better get to digging. 
 
Namaste'

4 comments:

  1. My friend "T" always says if you are weary of digging, drop the shovel and lift your arms up, God will pull you out :)

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    Replies
    1. I love that! Thank you Patty. That made my day.

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  2. Hello there - sorry I've been missing. It was interesting to arrive at this very post as I am going through the same weariness. Alex lost his job, I miss my daughter something fierce, my MS is flaring up, I am seriously depressed... sometimes I wonder why I get out of bed.

    But I do get out of bed. I force myself to.

    I tell myself every day (sometimes... minute to minute) "one day or one minute at a time..."

    It's a hard battle, I know.

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  3. I hear you girl! myself In fat I could have written this post. I deal with people who are ungrateful all the time. I am also carrying around 50 plus pounds. My relationship with my husband in and out of the realm of intimacy is still struggling, and so much of my views on faith have changed drastically But believe it or not, I have great self esteem. Why? because even though all of this is going on I have realized that this is living. I've recently lost almost ten pounds, and a few inches, and I've done it slowly Like my marriage the weight didn't creep up overnight. My marriage will take time and who knows it may not make it but I do know that no matter what we both adore out children and I will be just fine. You have accomplished a lot. Give yourself credit. All the things we want to fix take time. God's time is very different than ours. You are worthy of sobriety, of love, of a good job. It will happen. Your shovel isn't too small it's just right. One of my favorite things my friend said to me when I began to get sober and feel some humility was this: Sometimes God gets tired of waiting for you, and he just comes and gets you. He's got you, and so do the rest of us! Thank you for just being you and for being a big part of my recovery in blogger world!

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