Friday, August 31, 2012

Bull Headed and Grateful For It



I think my attitude has finally turned around...for now.  I've definitely been in a better mood the last couple of days. More importantly, I'm not nearly as anxious as I was.  It's a good thing too because I was reading Bye Bye Beer's post today about relapses and it really made me stop and think, "Am I headed for a relapse?"

Okay, let's be honest here...it scared the shit out of me...at first.

I clicked on the link that was included which outlined the 11 steps to a possible relapse (I won't include the link here - you'll have to read the post) and I felt better.  So far, I'm not headed in that direction, even considering my bad attitude of late. 

I have actually never really considered relapse as an option.  Okay, that's not entirely true.  When I first got sober, I plotted and planned opportunities to drink.  I would go on vacation away from the kids.  I would wait until I was sober a year and then start drinking, moderately of course.  I would wait until I retired at 65 to start drinking again.  The list was as long and varied as my mood that day.  It never happened of course because recovery, for me, is a process that builds upon itself.  The farther along I am in the process the more I come to understand why I drank and that I can never do it again.  It took me a while...but eventually I got there.

That's not to say that I am immune to relapse.  I don't believe that any addict is.  I relapsed twice while trying to accumulate some time.  The first time I made it about a week.  The second I had three months in before I went to a wine tasting and told myself I would just drink soda.  I just mean that I don't want to undo all the good that I've done...and...I'm also very, very stubborn.  Once I finally make up my mind to do something - only my children or the hubs could likely change it and then it would probably have to be a matter of life and death.  I'm a Taurus...I'm bull-headed by nature.

That's how I quit smoking in 2002 (I think it was 2002).  I had tried almost from the moment I began smoking to quit.  I went to a hypnotist.  I bought a little gadget that beeped everytime I could have a cigarette and was supposed to wean you off of them.  I tried these filter things that filtered more and more the further you were in the process.  I tried the patch.  I tried Zyban (which is how I discovered my depression).  I tried them all, several times until one day I just...stopped.  Cold turkey.  It was hard, but once my mind was made up I was done.  Now I can't believe I ever smoked and I smoked for over 25 years!

So I'm counting on my bull-headedness and my AA tools and these blogs and my wonderful family and my growth and recovery to keep me from relapse.  I will be vigilant.  I will be strong.  I will be beautiful inside and out.

I will be true to my Taurean attributes.

Namaste

"Taurus is by far the slowest moving sign, and arguably the one that carries the greatest amount of inertia, so once Taurus gets moving, it's very difficult to stop it again. In the Northern Hemisphere, where astrology developed, Taurus relates to the middle of springtime, when the world has settled into a calm routine of steady growth, and this is very much what Taurus likes: slow steady, progressive growth."
~Kevin Burk, Classic Astrology

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