That's an old word, I know - but it's the one that popped into my head today when I decided to express how I'm feeling. I feel crummy. Dictionary.com defines it as wretchedly inadequate; miserable; lousy.
Yep...that about covers it.
See I did something this weekend of which I can't let go. I hurt a friend's feelings, out of love...I promise, but I opened my big mouth when I should have kept it shut. Sometimes I get so caught up in the situation and I'm so concerned, or worried, or frustrated that my tongue gets in front of my eye teeth and I can't see what I'm saying and how it will impact the other person after it's been released into the Universe.
I, of all people, should know that you can't take back words. Sticks and stones can break my bones but the wrong words can wound like no other. I'm still carrying around shit that was said to me as a child or a young woman. In fact, in thinking about it this morning, my mother's words came to mind. She once call me a self-righteous, self-centered, sanctimonious (or maybe it was selfish) bitch. This morning I felt every one of those words.
Let's be clear. I have already apologized and it has already been accepted. But in my crazy ass mind, I have many more mental beatings before I can let something like this go. I will turn it over and over in my head, analyze it every way to Sunday, beat myself black and blue (Is that you Boxing Bitch? Welcome home.) and generally make myself feel like shit before I will finally, and blessedly, let it go.
Of course every time it comes to mind for the next couple of months I'll feel a pinch in my heart. But that will pass more quickly.
Sigh.
The good news is that as I'm moving through sobriety and recovery, I'm learning to keep my mouth shut more and more and to only offer my own experience and not tell people what I think they should do. Who the hell am I to tell anyone what they should do? When I do that, just tell my experience, I feel calm and loving. It's like my heart is open and I can put my arms around people and not judge. I like it when I feel this way.
When I start telling people what I think they should do I feel anxious and worried. I become consumed with whether or not they took it the right way. It begins to take up real estate in my head and I begin to feel very judgemental which makes me want to puke. I do not like it when I feel this way.
So to turn this around (in my head), I will use this as a learning experience. After I'm done self-flagellating, I will file this away and resolve to be more careful with my words. I will use my toolbox and remember that it's progress not perfection. I will use this opportunity to grow.
You know how when you first get sober you're all worried about who you will become as a sober person? You have no idea because all you've ever known is how to numb everything and escape with booze. I really hope my mother wasn't right.
So here's my question...does anyone else out there ever do this?
Namaste
PS - And now I'm second guessing this post because it looks like I'm looking for someone to make it okay. I'm really not. I just needed to process this morning and this was the best way. I'm just going to publish now and shut the fuck up.
Ha, you're funny.
ReplyDeleteNaw, I NEVER put my foot in my mouth,, or, eh,, press the "send" button after rapidly typing off my feelings, emotions; both of which are mine and have no business being abruptly transcribed into the world wide internet . ughh
Naw, none of us ever do that, , :@)
And we have to stop adding those disclaimers at the end of our posts, you know, the ones that clarify the "actual" meaning or intention of what we have just written on OUR BLOG!! It has been my experience that we sober bloggers are in unison about "why" we blog. When we get that stuff out there and in black and white lettering, it just makes more sense. Plain and simple. And for me, as I know for many of you, it gets dumped, left, and prayerfully , for the most part, left behind,
Its cool how you must have PROMPTLY made a verbal amends with this person, which is a powerful thing when done right away. This thing of, dare I say, , think before speaking,, is new for so many of us and it takes lot's of practice.
I get pulled aside by senior counselors who observe me telling clients what to do. Trying to "fix" them. And while I do have some educated and practical insight, it is not my job to tell them what to do, but to facilitate in THEM choosing a better path and choices. Oh, but it is hard to shut up and LISTEN . . Like you, I am learning!! one glorious crappy day at a time/!!
You are so right about the disclaimers. I see people apologizing all the time for "boring you" or "whining".
DeleteIt's my blog and I'll whine if I want to!
No more disclaimers!
Thanks grateful - once again we are of the same mind.
Hi Sherry ((Hugs)) . . Yes I do this, especially when I have a few clean days under my belt and I hear other addicts saying they can't do it . . . I feel like saying (and have even been known to say) "Yes you can do it. If you WANT to do it, you CAN!" etc etc. And if I'm physically with the person, I feel like shaking them and screaming "Stop making excuses!" blah blah . . . we all know how it goes.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're Mother was wrong, you are none of those things. You are a caring, loving, non-judgemental, hard working, intelligent (shall I carry on?) OK . . . kind, sensitive, intuitive, grateful, soulful, unique, inspirational, Sober! Lady.
I honestly don't think you said anything out of order Sherry, truly. As addicts, we find a hundred and one excuses to use; People, places and things as they say in NA and AA.
I did get defensive and I'm sorry. It was a typical addict's response (I've taken the reply down too). Emotions can run high on these issues even when we're standing strong.
I hope you can let it go, really let it go, right now . . . Please.
The kids want dinner now, so I'm gonna shut the fuck up too. Feel free to read and delete this Sherry, as it's for you.
I'm blessed and grateful to have you as a friend . . . A loving and caring friend.
Love and hugs to you Sherry x x x
Thank you and yes ma'am...I will promptly let it go...soon. ;-)
DeleteFeed those kids! They can turn into an ugly mob when they are hungry!
I bruise very easily so I tend to be one big black and blue mess! Are you kidding! I so related to this entire post, and yes the self beatings don't stop. I mean they are way down from what they used to be and I don't have conversations in my head for weeks mulling the situation over, critiqueing, analyzing etc. We are human, too often I think in some ways sobriety makes us measure ourselves on an even stricter level. You've already learned from the experience so you can set the big stick down for now. It's hard though, I feel your pain....sigh.....
ReplyDeleteI think you're right about sobriety making us measure ourselves differently. Before I got sober and something like this happened (and it happened a lot more then...especially when I was drunk)I would have stressed while sober but numbed those feeling at night when I drank.
DeleteNow that I don't do that anymore, having to live with it is really something new.
I'm putting the stick to the side for now. Thank you drybottomgirl!
The only part that drinking did for my self-beatings was allow me to get over the previous indiscretions to make room for the new ones! New guilt, new regrets...it's so much better having those dreadful days behind me. Let it go girl. You said what you said for a reason - no alcohol to blame (woohoo) - you apologized for having said what you said so move forward. What's the saying? You can't move ahead until you stop looking behind or something like that? Or is it the past is the past, the future hasn't happened yet, so there's no time like the present. Sorry, just jabbering now but you get the gist of it :)
ReplyDeleteAnother post I could have written.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a home where the motto was, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." We didn't "express" a lot in our home. But you know what, I still *felt* all those feelings, all those things I was told I shouldn't talk about. If I shouldn't talk about them, I shouldn't feel them either, right? At least that is the logic of a child. I felt bad for just feeling them. If it ever pent up too much and something "not nice" slipped out of my mouth, man, you should have seen the looks I would get. (I just realized writing that, that maybe that's why I am so sensitive to people "looking" at me the wrong way.) I never got the actual verbal or physical abuse, that would have violated "the rule," but those looks were more frightening than any words that could have come my way, because I used my own words in my mind and beat my self up over and over again. I grew up consequently, a smoother, an environment controller, a controller of what come out of my mouth, a controller of predicting others' emotions. It's been a long journey letting go of that control (which control is really SUCH an illusion) and letting go of giving my advice to others unless when asked.
LOL, here I go rambling... Looks like this is a hot button for me and lots of others above me too. Suffice it to say, no, you are not alone my friend. I ought to delete most of what I wrote, but I love that "I'm hitting publish now and shutting the fuck up." I'll do the same. :) xo