Having a Moment

I'm sitting here at work "having a moment".  That's what I say when I get emotional - that I'm "having a moment".  See...I brought the last three kids' senior pictures into the office where I could enjoy them every day.  Now I'm beginning to question my judgement.  Do I really want to sit here everyday and risk a look (it doesn't happen every time) that sends me into one of those moments?

Yeah...it's worth the risk.

This particular moment is brought to you by the letter N...for nostalgia.  Or W for...where the hell did the time go.  Or the letter O...for oh shit they're grown.

It's not like I didn't know this was coming, it's just that sometimes it jumps up and bites you in the ass - usually when you are least expecting it.  I look at these three gorgeous and wonderful young men, the last three at home, and think, "Oh my...we're done."  And that's when I have a moment.

Of course my rational brain jumps in and says, "Whoa Nelly...wait just one minute...you most certainly are not DONE.  Don't you field insane calls from the niece on a weekly (sometimes nightly) basis that make you want to reach through the phone and strangle her?  Don't you have a new grand baby coming from the nephew who called you first when he found out he was going to be a dad?  Isn't yours the house that everyone flocks to over the holidays?  And isn't your 19 year old still at home with no plans to move out any time soon?"

Well yes but...

But they are all in the adult phase of their lives.  This is when they really begin to pull away and, if we've done our jobs right, begin to build lives of their own.  The boys will soon replace me with a wife who, even if they deny it, will mean more to them than I do (especially after their first child is born).  The daughter has already replaced the hubs with someone who is so much like him it's scary.  (The niece...well let's just let that one alone shall we?)  That's the way it's supposed to be.  It's the natural order. 

It also sucks ass sometimes.

(I'm really glad only one of my children reads this blog.  I don't want them to know what a foul mouth their mom has when the filter is lifted.)

I have loved every single solitary minute of being a mother and will continue to do so until my dying breath.  I was made to be a mom.  I have never, not one single time, regretted parenting any of my children.  From the oldest who came into my life at 12 and began chipping away at the hard, outer cover of my heart, to the niece who we parented part time but who can't see how valuable that relationship is, to the nephew who has come and gone and come back better, to the three who are the only humans on the planet that know what my heart sounds like from the inside.  Every minute, every second has been a blessing and I'd do it again and again in spite of the pain that their pulling away creates...because the joy that they give me every minute they breathe is so much greater than anything else in the Universe.

When I look into their hearts, I see the face of God.

Namaste