Just typing that sentence shocks me but it was what it was.
Anyway...I'm wondering what it is I want to do. My kids are all pretty much self sufficient. Soon it will just be the hubs and me and I'm definitely more type A than he is. I like to be in motion. I'm really happiest when I'm creating, building, or learning. Whether it's food, or crafts or school or yoga or work, I need a direction. I guess I should be more content to just be, but the paradox of that is that to just be just isn't me! So, in order to be true to myself, I need to follow this convoluted logic and do something.
If you followed that last paragraph then you either know and love me or you should because we share a brain. You have my sympathy.
But I digress...
I've thought about several paths my life could take -
- I could go to graduate school. There are a lot of online programs now that wouldn't require me to quit my job (hahahahahaha...oh...sorry) or even travel to a classroom several nights a week. Problem is, I can't decide what I want to study. I could go the path of career (and have my company pay a portion of the tuition) and enroll in an Adult Education or Instructional Design Master's program, or I could find one that would allow me to get a Master's in English (which is my passion but would provide absolutely no bang for the buck). Then there's the fact that the hubs won't shut up about law school. I was accepted once, a very long time ago, but decided against it after taking some law classes in undergraduate school. Get over it honey! The law is not for me! Plus, all of the above is freaking expensive and I'll have three in college next year. This one will definitely have to wait.
- I could learn to be a yoga instructor. Again, a real passion. The issue here is that the courses and programs are WAY expensive. Of course I could make a few pennies (that is not an exaggeration) teaching a couple of times a week once I'm certified, but it will likely never pay enough to pay the bills. Then again, it would be one step further toward the dream of owning my own studio one day that might, if all the planets align in just the right way, pay some bills. But none of that is bloody likely.
- I could pour myself into my career and work nights and weekends and network and schmooze and make small talk and...oh forget it...there's no way that's happening.
- I could embark on a mission to redecorate and improve our home using as little money as possible. I could start a blog and chronicle my before and afters. Yawn...I'm bored already.
- I could finally put my nose to the grindstone and write that children's book I've always wanted to write. Or a book on parenting. Or a recovery memoir (like they're aren't enough of those on the proverbial shelves). The problem with that is that I don't know the first thing about writing a book or getting it published.
Wow...as I was reading this over, I noticed how negative this all sounds. Every time I list something I would like to do, I shoot it down in the same paragraph! I'm no therapist but I can see some deep seated problems here. Is it that I have no confidence? Have I lost my drive? Is it my parents' fault?
Let's go with the parent thing and just move on shall we? It's easy and probably the right choice anyway.
Bottom line...In order to make any of this work, I need to DO something. I guess my first step will have to be to just pick one and begin to move forward. As they used to say in Mary Kay, "find a way, make a way". Hey...I quit drinking! I can do ANYTHING!