Don't Risk the Happy

We were out to dinner with my oldest-at-home the other night and I said to him and the hubs, "What would you do if I ordered a glass of wine right now?"

They both looked at me like I had grown a horn between my eyeballs.

My son said, "I'd tell them to take it back!"

"No you wouldn't," I said.  "That's my job - you don't need to worry about it."

Then my husband said, "Well...I'd wait to see if you actually drank it...then I guess we'd start counting again."

Hmmmm....

As most of you know, I had my sobriety date tattooed on my right wrist.  My drinking hand.  It has served as a reminder to me of how important this journey is.  Of how far I've come.  Of how far I'd fall if I started drinking again.  It's been a good thing.

But when the hubs mentioned counting, the first thing that popped into my mind was...It's not about the number.  That shocked me!  When did I stop counting?  When did I stop caring about how many days sober I had?  When did those little numbers on my right wrist become redundant?

The more I thought about it and the more we talked about it, the more I realized that it hasn't been about the number in a very long time.  The fact is, I really don't care anymore how long I've been sober - I only care that I am right now.  I also don't care about whether I drink tomorrow or next week or in the next decade because it doesn't matter either.  What matters is the now.

What matters is the happy.

After some discussion I said, "The reason I won't drink is because, for the first time in my entire life I am truly, blissfully and peacefully happy.  I can see all my blessings and feel the joy they provide.  I can feel pain and sorrow without the need to run away and numb it therefore, I can move past it.  I can be present in each and every moment (good or bad).  I can deal.  I can't risk giving that up.  I can't risk the happy."

I'm thinking about having the tattoo on my wrist removed and replacing it some pretty script that says...

Don't Risk the Happy

Namaste