Friday, March 29, 2013

Don't Risk the Happy




We were out to dinner with my oldest-at-home the other night and I said to him and the hubs, "What would you do if I ordered a glass of wine right now?"

They both looked at me like I had grown a horn between my eyeballs.

My son said, "I'd tell them to take it back!"

"No you wouldn't," I said.  "That's my job - you don't need to worry about it."

Then my husband said, "Well...I'd wait to see if you actually drank it...then I guess we'd start counting again."

Hmmmm....

As most of you know, I had my sobriety date tattooed on my right wrist.  My drinking hand.  It has served as a reminder to me of how important this journey is.  Of how far I've come.  Of how far I'd fall if I started drinking again.  It's been a good thing.

But when the hubs mentioned counting, the first thing that popped into my mind was...It's not about the number.  That shocked me!  When did I stop counting?  When did I stop caring about how many days sober I had?  When did those little numbers on my right wrist become redundant?

The more I thought about it and the more we talked about it, the more I realized that it hasn't been about the number in a very long time.  The fact is, I really don't care anymore how long I've been sober - I only care that I am right now.  I also don't care about whether I drink tomorrow or next week or in the next decade because it doesn't matter either.  What matters is the now.

What matters is the happy.

After some discussion I said, "The reason I won't drink is because, for the first time in my entire life I am truly, blissfully and peacefully happy.  I can see all my blessings and feel the joy they provide.  I can feel pain and sorrow without the need to run away and numb it therefore, I can move past it.  I can be present in each and every moment (good or bad).  I can deal.  I can't risk giving that up.  I can't risk the happy."

I'm thinking about having the tattoo on my wrist removed and replacing it some pretty script that says...

Don't Risk the Happy

Namaste

4 comments:

  1. "It's been a good thing."
    So, NOOoooo,, keep tat. But get your saying too!

    I love that you shared the idea of "what if" with the fam We gotta keep this thing out center and forefront ALL THE TIME !!!

    Our disease is not insidiously lurking with only new recovery - it lurks dangerously whether we're a year or seven years out - smart gal,, you are.

    :( My four children are in CO this wknd., Its just Jay and I .... enjoy your family my dear

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  2. Holding on to Happy!
    ;)

    Jenny

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  3. I like the idea of a tattoo! I also like the "Don't Risk the Happy!" ...because its so friggen easy to fall into the trap and find ourselves deep in a hole again. It takes one minutes and the happy could be gone!
    I almost tried yesterday. Had a very weak moment. But I'm still happy today! Want to be for a long time

    Jen
    Day 20 (for my 2nd and final time)

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  4. I love that - don't risk the happy.

    Awesomeness right there:)

    Paul

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