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But all that changed as my drinking increased. My former sanctuary became a place where I retreated to hide, to drink, to isolate. See that little nook where my meditation items now reside? It used to hold an easy chair, table and lamp where I would sit, hour after hour, and drink. Or cry. Or even pray that I wouldn't drink. Or just isolate because I didn't feel the rest of the world wanted me in it.
Bad mojo...really bad mojo. I had fucked my zen to the nth degree.
For the last three years, I've been avoiding my room to do anything except what a bedroom should do - give me a place to sleep and get dressed. It just held too many bad memories. I didn't want to isolate anymore - I wanted to be among the living. I built a meditation room in our formal living room and I used it as a place to go while I healed my heart, my soul and my conscience. For a while my nook was barren which just created more bad mojo. So I moved the hubs' desk up there which proved to be a HUGE mistake; not because it created bad Qi (which it did) but because all the crap that was supposed to go in the desk stayed on my kitchen counter because it was too far to go upstairs and put it away. Again...bad Qi.
But...a girl needs her space. A space with everything she needs in it. My meditation room was great, but it was a big huge space that I was only in for an hour a day now. There was no TV in it, no nail polish, no girly potions and lotions, not even light conducive to reading. It was a single purpose room in a home filed with multi-purpose rooms. Bad feng shui. What started out as necessary to my recovery, had become a waste of space that actually made me feel guilty for not using it (kind of like my formal dining room).
Finally, about a month ago, I decided it was time to take control of my zen, fix the Qi and move back into my nook. Once again, I gathered the forces (my men) and we moved furniture and viola! I have once again captured the "ahhhhh" that has made me love my room for decades. Now, after dinner I go to my room to read, relax, paint my nails, meditate, watch trash TV and...oh yeah..sleep.
Because I sleep the sleep of a sober woman and that is glorious.
Namaste
Beautiful space. I am glad that you feel good back in your refuge and that you are taking good care of yourself, loving yourself. Good job mama!
ReplyDeleteI have "the music room" - it was known as "the back room" for years - that was because in our old house it was the back room - it was on the same floor as our living room (it was a three storey town house) but at the back of the building. We moved to the current house and it was the room above the garage with both a window at the front and the back but was still "the back room" for years. Then my daughter wanted that room, it was bigger than the room she was in which was next to our bedroom so we swapped - so "the back room" was now... at the front. Anyone who has kept up with this has done better than me and I'm writing it!!!
ReplyDeleteSlowly it has become "the music room" - or "Dad's room"... it is home to... about 14 guitars (it fluctuates up and down a bit), my ridiculously-too-big-for-home amp (it could fill the Albert Hall!), my recording stuff, guitar pedals, mic stands, music stands, a book case, mostly full of books about guitars and magazines about guitars, some books about AA and some AA related paperwork to do with my service position, and a filing cabinet with far too much paperwork stuffed in it bank statements from 2009 are such a "must have" I find!
It is however - my space, I go in there, close the door, pickup a guitar and I'm in my own little world... I love it :-)
I love that you share your life and recovery with us. I love the idea that your room is your retreat. Nurturing. And thank you for mentioning the sleep of a sober woman being glorious. True, so true.
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