Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Out Out Damned Scale

I'm doing it again...I'm becoming obsessed with the scale.  Even during my first Whole 30 I couldn't stay off the damn thing.  It's like a magnet.  I should probably get rid of it but everyone else in the house uses it responsibly except me.  They might jump on if a waistband is too tight or loose where as I jump on when I eat a cookie.  Hmmm - they do it like normal people and I do it like addicted people.  Yep, that's about right.

Anyway, since returning to eating a more normal diet (sans gluten, dairy, legumes and refined sugar products...for the most part), I've slowly but surely slipped back into old habits.  I find myself obsessing about what I'm going to eat and when.  I'm on that frigging scale every morning like clockwork.  I'm constantly concerned with how many steps I've walked today.

Really, it's not the old habits that I'm concerned about as much as I am the space it's taking up in my head.  If it moves in the wrong direction it can ruin my day.  Really Sherry?  You let a square box tell you how your day will be?  And if that's not enough, yet another character in the cast of characters that lives in my head has to chime in...How many steps did I get today?  Today I'm only going to eat healthy.  I wonder if I could have a piece of that birthday cake and how many steps it would take to burn it off?  What is in the house that I can eat?  I should log onto MyFitnessPal and check to see how many calories my Pumpkin Spice Latte has.  Oh my God I am such a loser because I ate on of those amazing cupcakes that my friend brought to the pot luck AND a piece of bread with dinner!

STOP!!!

I can't do this anymore.  I need some peace and quiet.  I want my fucking Zen back!

So once again I'm making a vow to make some changes.  No more getting on the scale.  No more worrying about calories (especially since I know how to eat for my body now).  I'll wear my pedometer (fitbit) and try to get my 10,000 steps a day in but if I don't, it's not the end of the world.  When I wake up in the morning and my first thought is about the size of my ass, I'll gently admonish myself and say something nice to me.  When I go to bed at night and my last thought is about how much I ate that day I will again admonish and gently remind myself that humans must have sustenance to survive.  Eating is a normal part of everyone's life and I've learned what's good for my body and what is not.

I may even start a journal where as soon as I get up in the morning I write something about myself that is positive to jumpstart my day.  Then in the evening I'll write something positive that occurred that day to send me off to dreamland feeling good about me.

I read a book recently that described alcoholism as the symptom of what is wrong with alcoholics.  We drink to numb what's really wrong with us. The longer I'm sober the more I realize how true this statement is.  I am one fucked up human being.

But I'm sober and I'm happy and since 99.9% of the population is screwed up too, I'm in good company.

Namaste

6 comments:

  1. I think you should look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself 'I love you just the way you are'...every single day 'I love you just the way you are' and again 'I love you just the way you are'...

    Every day...

    Every day...

    'I love you just the way you are'

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    Replies
    1. You're right...I know you are. But agreeing to doing it and doing it are two different things.

      But I'll try...I promise.

      Delete
  2. One thing I do (that makes my partner laugh and may sound really batty) is, every night before I go to bed, I look in the full-length mirror, pat my roundish belly, and say something nice to it: "Hello belly" or "Nice full belly" or some such. Acceptance is hard, but at least I can laugh at myself while I'm working on it!

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  3. I haven't been on the scales in years. I hoover the damn things every week and think, frankly I should throw these out but I don't know if others in the house use them.

    Years ago, both when drinking and in early sobriety exercise became a bit of an addiction. And every week at least more like every day I weighed myself after my gym workout etc. to see where I was. I had f*ing spreadsheets with my weight history going back years! And guess what - I was never happy. I now probably weigh a few pounds more than then but really I don't know and I don't care - do my chinos still do up? Yes. And the jeans? Yes. Move on.

    I can get your focus and obsession with it - it isn't a nice place to be

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  4. Well, I'm pretty much like you. I get on the scale everyday. If my fitbit is close to 10,00 steps I run in place to get it there. I know how many calories in a Pumpkin Spice Latte. But, I've let go of the guilt. I get my self a special coffee almost every day. It's my treat for being sober. Besides at my age (62) I get droopy around 3. Anyway, I'm pretty happy too. Great post. Love your sense of humor.
    Sharon

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, I'm pretty much like you. I get on the scale everyday. If my fitbit is close to 10,00 steps I run in place to get it there. I know how many calories in a Pumpkin Spice Latte. But, I've let go of the guilt. I get my self a special coffee almost every day. It's my treat for being sober. Besides at my age (62) I get droopy around 3. Anyway, I'm pretty happy too. Great post. Love your sense of humor.
    Sharon

    ReplyDelete

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