After I wrote my post on Friday I was in a funk. I just couldn't figure out how I was going to learn to let shit go. How was I going to be free of all this guilt and shame I carry around like the proverbial albatross around my neck. Even the hubs, who is normally my greatest supporter, was baffled as to why I was carrying around something that was 1) in the past and 2) turned out FINE. He picked me up from work and by the time we got home I was even more depressed than I was when I got in the car.
Once home I hooked up the dogs and went for a walk to clear my head. Along the way I started praying...
"Yo Dude, please help me to figure out a way to let all of this ugly guilt and shame about Brian go. I can't take it anymore. It's too painful and too heavy. I'm turning in over to you...it's yours. Do with it what you will."
And...naturally the sky chose that particular moment to lighten ever so slightly and with it, so did my mood. I felt a calm come over me and I felt...love.
And I couldn't fucking believe it.
But of course we can't just turn it over right...no, we have to try and take it back. So my brain started inching back to...
"But what if he had died...I let him down."
And then I clearly heard, "Let it go...I've got this."
It still gives me butterflies when I think about it. It was VERY clear and, since I've heard that voice before, I knew exactly who was talking to me.
So I walked along with a smile on my face and much lighter in step and I thought, if He helped that quickly with one issue, why not try another?
"Okay Lord - then what do I do about the hubs? Help me to help him."
To which He clearly replied..
"That's on him. Leave him to Me."
Well DAMN. Talk about being put in your place! When the Big Guy tell you to back off you back the hell off.
Next thought, "Should I talk to..."
"TALK TO HIM about how you feel."
Whoa. But you know God...it's impolite to interrupt. And you don't have to raise your voice...I can hear you.
I finished my walk, went home and talked to the hubs about what I'd heard. I checked my emotions and still no guilt, no shame. Then read my wrist. I was still for the rest of the evening. And I was happy. And light.
Saturday morning I got up and the hubs and I talked like we haven't in many months. It was great for both of us to get some things on the table and get inside each other's heads. (I highly recommend it.)
Today I am lighter than I've been in months. I've thought a couple of times about the Brian incident and checked myself...nope...no shame...no guilt. Only a feeling of infinite gratefulness that he's okay.
Have a wonderful week people. If you get a chance, have a chat with the Big Guy. He's pretty awesome if you ask me.