Yesterday someone told me that I was "direct" and that they like that. That's a very good thing because that's the only way I know how to be. I "shoot from the hip", "tell it like it is", "lay it all on the table" or any other well worn phrase you'd like to use. It's "how I roll". (Okay...enough with the quotes.)
Over the years this little personality trait has been both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, people always know where they stand with me and there are seldom surprises about how I feel about something. Hell, you can read my face like a book. I don't have to say a word. This makes most people comfortable with me because they know I have no ulterior motives going on...what you see is what you get.
On the other hand, it makes some people very uncomfortable. These folks are usually even more conflict avoidant than I am and would rather just ignore the 800 pound gorilla in the room and pretend that everything is FINE, then face what's going on and resolve it. To these people I say oh well. The kind of stress that is created in my gut when a situation is present and not dealt with is the kind that makes me a crazy woman who seeks comfort. Comfort in a bottle. Comfort in a new pair of shoes. Comfort in chocolate.
That's why I choose honesty when I write this blog. And why I choose the "colorful" language I do. I was an English minor in college. I am well aware that a run on sentence is not a proper way to express myself nor is dropping the f-bomb in every other sentence. Except that it is. Here I get to write what I want and how I want and direct it to whom I want and use any type of language I want. (Except that there is never an excuse to mix up their and there...thanks Kathy.)
See, I started this blog to help myself through my recovery and that's the primary reason I still write. But along the way I got a crazy notion that I'd like to help others on their paths to sobriety too. I wanted to give back a little of what I got when I found the blogosphere. I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that someone might say, "Oh thank GOD I'm not alone" and know that there is a better life on the other side of the bottle.
The only way I know how to do that is by being totally upfront and honest...about all of my experiences (since those are the only ones I can speak to). So instead of blowing sunshine and unicorns up your ass with ever post, I choose to tell you about that damned craving I had, or the awful drunk dream, or the fact that holiday parties sucked at first, or that yes, after all this time Chardonnay DOES still smell good to me and that I DO wish that I could have a shot of Jameson's in my coffee. Sorry...that's just how it is for me.
I recognize that each and every one of our journey's is different. That all of our addictions are different. That's why this blogging community is so great! Because of the different perspectives. Click on enough links on the blogrolls and I guarantee you'll find someone who is exactly like you. That's a beautiful thing. That in this crazy universe there is someone out there who can relate to how you feel right this minute and can help you through it! It's not only beautiful, it's a friggin' miracle!
What I don't want is for someone who is struggling to walk into a situation and think, "Why didn't anyone warn me about this?", or worse yet, "I'm the only one who feels this way...there must be something wrong with me." UGH! What a waste that would be when there are so many of us out here who want so badly to make it easier for each other. I learned that after my first child was born. Why doesn't anyone tell you about all the gross stuff that happens to you on that table?! Why aren't women HONEST about that?!
Well I am. I tell them every ugly and gross thing that's going to happen the same way I do here.
And then I say the same thing I do here...that it's all worth it more than you can know because, at the end of all of the ugliness is...LIFE.