My home is about to be besieged with all manner of chicks coming home to roost for the holiday.
I am so happy I could BURST.
So I'm stepping away from the computer for a week or so. I know, I know...you'll miss me but think of this as a growth experience.
Just kidding.
To all of my blogger friends, thank you for hanging in there with me this past year. Your support has meant the world to me. Plus, I think it's pretty cool that I have friends in London, New Zealand, Canada, Mexico and even Yemen for Gods sake (I think I just misspelled that...sorry). Not to mention those close enough to actually meet whether by getting in my car or taking advantage of a upcoming business trip. Your blogs have pulled me through some low times and your comments have let me know I'm not writing in a vacuum...that you understand what's going on in my crazy head, and you like me anyway. (You like me...you really - sorry, lost my mind there for a sec).
Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys. And if you're new to sobriety and need a pep talk, I'll be checking email. You're not alone.
And sobriety is the greatest Christmas miracle there is...I promise.
To everyone, I wish you peace.
Namaste
Showing posts with label Christmas; Holidays; Alcohol and the Holidays; holiday survival guide; alcohol recovery; women and alcoholism; how do I stop drinking; help to stop drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas; Holidays; Alcohol and the Holidays; holiday survival guide; alcohol recovery; women and alcoholism; how do I stop drinking; help to stop drinking. Show all posts
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Random Thoughts on This Time of Year
What is it about this time of year that leaves normies and addicts both with their panties (or boxers) in a wad? We're supposed to be all Peace on Earth and instead we're all get-out-of-my-fucking-way-I-need-that-toy-for-my-kid. Why do we take what is supposed to be about love and caring and turn it into a shit storm of agony and angst?
I have no idea but I do have some thoughts....
I don't give a fat rat's ass how you greet me this time of year...just that you do. If you're Jewish wish me Happy Hannukah. African American? Joyous Kwanzaa (if you celebrate Kwanzaa). Plain old Christian? Merry Christmas always works. And if you're conflicted just say Happy Holidays. They're all just a way of saying get-out-of-my-fucking-way-I-need-that-toy-for-my-kid so who cares? Just kidding. They are all a way to say, "I care about you". Let's not take ourselves so seriously okay?
I am well aware that my ample ass and my sugar levels are not in need of Christmas cookies. I am also aware that I like them and I therefore will be baking them so put that in your Christmas pipe and smoke it. They will not be vegan, or gluten free, or sugar free. There will be no carob or agave or stevia used in my cookies. I will be baking the plain old chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin with the occasionally Snickerdoodle thrown into the mix (as well as Monkey Bread...can't forget the Monkey Bread...my grandchildren would kill me) and those funny little peanut butter things with the Hershey's Kiss or miniature Reese's Cup smooshed down on top. I will not be stressing about making the most recent Pinterest concoction that looks like Santa's sleigh and all nine reindeer complete with presents and Rudolph's red nose that sings to you and tastes like Heaven has melted in your mouth. Pinterest does enough to make me feel inadequate the rest of the year, I don't need it kicking my ass at Christmas.
There will not be bows on my packages...get over it. I hate those little fuckers that come in the bag, are all squished and bent and refuse to stay stuck on my gifts no matter how much freaking tape I use to stick them there! There was a time that all my wrapping paper, bows, tags and ribbon were all coordinated. Bows stayed stuck, ribbon slipped elegantly from packages when being opened and names were clearly visible on each tag. Then I had children. Now I use Dollar Store ribbon and write on the self-sticking tag with the nearest Sharpie (so it won't get erased) no matter what color it is. Guess what...NO ONE CARES! If they are kids they're too busy tearing into the damn thing to notice the freaking paper and if they're adults they're thinking, "Who the hell is she trying to impress?" I love you. I bought you a gift. I did wrap it even if it's not perfect. We cool?
I will be watching "It's A Wonderful Life" this Christmas Eve like I do every Christmas Eve. I will cry. It's sappy...so WHAT? It has sentiment. I like sentiment. This is the time of year when a Publix commercial can make me cry (it's a grocery store) not to mention Hallmark and Budweiser...don't even get me started on THOSE. I'll also cry when Frosty melts and when Linus gives his speech and when Bing unwraps his knight on a horse. Then I'll laugh at the Griswolds and Ralphie and that little dog that loves the Grinch in spite of the fact that he starts out a real asshole. It's part of tradition and if you don't like that stuff it's okay too! But I do so back the hell off.
And I will put cookies and milk out for Santa. Because he still comes to our house.
Because we BELIEVE.
Namaste
I have no idea but I do have some thoughts....
I don't give a fat rat's ass how you greet me this time of year...just that you do. If you're Jewish wish me Happy Hannukah. African American? Joyous Kwanzaa (if you celebrate Kwanzaa). Plain old Christian? Merry Christmas always works. And if you're conflicted just say Happy Holidays. They're all just a way of saying get-out-of-my-fucking-way-I-need-that-toy-for-my-kid so who cares? Just kidding. They are all a way to say, "I care about you". Let's not take ourselves so seriously okay?
I am well aware that my ample ass and my sugar levels are not in need of Christmas cookies. I am also aware that I like them and I therefore will be baking them so put that in your Christmas pipe and smoke it. They will not be vegan, or gluten free, or sugar free. There will be no carob or agave or stevia used in my cookies. I will be baking the plain old chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin with the occasionally Snickerdoodle thrown into the mix (as well as Monkey Bread...can't forget the Monkey Bread...my grandchildren would kill me) and those funny little peanut butter things with the Hershey's Kiss or miniature Reese's Cup smooshed down on top. I will not be stressing about making the most recent Pinterest concoction that looks like Santa's sleigh and all nine reindeer complete with presents and Rudolph's red nose that sings to you and tastes like Heaven has melted in your mouth. Pinterest does enough to make me feel inadequate the rest of the year, I don't need it kicking my ass at Christmas.
There will not be bows on my packages...get over it. I hate those little fuckers that come in the bag, are all squished and bent and refuse to stay stuck on my gifts no matter how much freaking tape I use to stick them there! There was a time that all my wrapping paper, bows, tags and ribbon were all coordinated. Bows stayed stuck, ribbon slipped elegantly from packages when being opened and names were clearly visible on each tag. Then I had children. Now I use Dollar Store ribbon and write on the self-sticking tag with the nearest Sharpie (so it won't get erased) no matter what color it is. Guess what...NO ONE CARES! If they are kids they're too busy tearing into the damn thing to notice the freaking paper and if they're adults they're thinking, "Who the hell is she trying to impress?" I love you. I bought you a gift. I did wrap it even if it's not perfect. We cool?
I will be watching "It's A Wonderful Life" this Christmas Eve like I do every Christmas Eve. I will cry. It's sappy...so WHAT? It has sentiment. I like sentiment. This is the time of year when a Publix commercial can make me cry (it's a grocery store) not to mention Hallmark and Budweiser...don't even get me started on THOSE. I'll also cry when Frosty melts and when Linus gives his speech and when Bing unwraps his knight on a horse. Then I'll laugh at the Griswolds and Ralphie and that little dog that loves the Grinch in spite of the fact that he starts out a real asshole. It's part of tradition and if you don't like that stuff it's okay too! But I do so back the hell off.
And I will put cookies and milk out for Santa. Because he still comes to our house.
Because we BELIEVE.
Namaste
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
The Reason for the Season
Talking to the hubs on the drive in to work today (sun is shining blindingly...blahs have passed - thanks to everyone for your kind words...they really do help) and we of course got on the subject of Christmas. I wanted to know how we were doing on the money front since I'm working so hard to stay on budget. Answer? We're doing "great"!
That was a relief because this time of year always weighs on my mind when it comes to money and shopping for the "perfect" gift for people. Many times without regard to what it costs.
See, my mother equated love with "things". If you had the right things, bought the right things, wore the right things and, at Christmas, gifted the right things, then you were normal. No problems here folks...move along...nothing to see. Didn't matter how much it cost or how far in debt we were or how many nights she spent playing bingo to try and win the money while I stayed home and dealt with a drunk father. Nope...just had to have the right things. What's more, if she didn't get the right things as gifts (and it was never right), she'd pout and make you feel like shit all day.
For years I didn't even realize I was replicating some of this behavior. I didn't realize that I was trying to make myself feel better on the outside with things, while all the time I was dying on the inside. And this was never more true than at Christmas. I gave the kids everything on their list, every year, no matter what. Most years, after all the shopping was done, I'd go out and fine some "wow" gift that they weren't expecting so that they would have "the best Christmas EVER." (Let's get them all new Macs! How about we go get them each a new car! Let's get them the XBox, Playstation AND a Wii!) Add to that all the baking, decorating and time spent with them and you have a shit storm of crazy, manic behavior that left me exhausted (and usually hungover) and feeling empty and most definitely broke and further in debt.
No one (except, probably, the hubs) knew what was going on inside of me. The kids had a great Santa experience. The neighbors attended the best parties at the best decorated house in the neighborhood. Friends received the best cookies and candies made from the most trendy recipes. The house remained spotless at all times. The only difference between me and my mom was that I had more money and I could care less if I got anything - I just wanted everyone else to have "the best Christmas EVER."
But then I got sober and began to recover. I started to dig and pick at old scars and uncover what was really going on inside this dying heart. I've written about it over and over in this blog but one thing that has finally, blessedly, come to pass is that this year I'm not stressing about gifts. I purchased things I knew people would enjoy, that I picked out myself but that are within a prescribed budget. I clued my men into the fact that there would be a strict budget this year and no "wow" gifts under the tree. I will make some candy and cookies but only if there is time and I feel like it. There will be no Christmas party at the Magic House this year.
What there will be is a house filled with love and gratitude for the simple gift of being together for one more year. There will be gifts, purchased or made, that were selected especially for loved ones and given with love. How they take them is not up to me. What they think about them is not up to me. All I can do is love them and provide a small token of that love in the spirit of the season.
There will be a remembrance of the birth of Jesus and what that means in our Christian home (it's not the same among all of my kids so it's always a great conversation). Again, there will be gratitude.
And for me? There will be some hard won peace. I am so okay with that.
Namaste
That was a relief because this time of year always weighs on my mind when it comes to money and shopping for the "perfect" gift for people. Many times without regard to what it costs.
See, my mother equated love with "things". If you had the right things, bought the right things, wore the right things and, at Christmas, gifted the right things, then you were normal. No problems here folks...move along...nothing to see. Didn't matter how much it cost or how far in debt we were or how many nights she spent playing bingo to try and win the money while I stayed home and dealt with a drunk father. Nope...just had to have the right things. What's more, if she didn't get the right things as gifts (and it was never right), she'd pout and make you feel like shit all day.
For years I didn't even realize I was replicating some of this behavior. I didn't realize that I was trying to make myself feel better on the outside with things, while all the time I was dying on the inside. And this was never more true than at Christmas. I gave the kids everything on their list, every year, no matter what. Most years, after all the shopping was done, I'd go out and fine some "wow" gift that they weren't expecting so that they would have "the best Christmas EVER." (Let's get them all new Macs! How about we go get them each a new car! Let's get them the XBox, Playstation AND a Wii!) Add to that all the baking, decorating and time spent with them and you have a shit storm of crazy, manic behavior that left me exhausted (and usually hungover) and feeling empty and most definitely broke and further in debt.
No one (except, probably, the hubs) knew what was going on inside of me. The kids had a great Santa experience. The neighbors attended the best parties at the best decorated house in the neighborhood. Friends received the best cookies and candies made from the most trendy recipes. The house remained spotless at all times. The only difference between me and my mom was that I had more money and I could care less if I got anything - I just wanted everyone else to have "the best Christmas EVER."
But then I got sober and began to recover. I started to dig and pick at old scars and uncover what was really going on inside this dying heart. I've written about it over and over in this blog but one thing that has finally, blessedly, come to pass is that this year I'm not stressing about gifts. I purchased things I knew people would enjoy, that I picked out myself but that are within a prescribed budget. I clued my men into the fact that there would be a strict budget this year and no "wow" gifts under the tree. I will make some candy and cookies but only if there is time and I feel like it. There will be no Christmas party at the Magic House this year.
What there will be is a house filled with love and gratitude for the simple gift of being together for one more year. There will be gifts, purchased or made, that were selected especially for loved ones and given with love. How they take them is not up to me. What they think about them is not up to me. All I can do is love them and provide a small token of that love in the spirit of the season.
There will be a remembrance of the birth of Jesus and what that means in our Christian home (it's not the same among all of my kids so it's always a great conversation). Again, there will be gratitude.
And for me? There will be some hard won peace. I am so okay with that.
Namaste
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