Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Some thoughts on AA - Part 1

Okay, I'll admit it, I'm not a fan of AA.  Not that I've ever been mind you.  But I've got some old baggage that I have to let US Airways lose before I can do the AA thing.

First, I come from a long line of active alcoholics, recovering alcoholics and dry drunks; some of whom have tried AA and some of whom haven't, and many of whom have made a mockery of the amazing institution that it is.  It's the latter group that packed the aforementioned luggage I carry.  And those suckers are heavy.

See, my dad was an active alcoholic for most of my life (I'm sure there will be MANY posts about this later in my blogging life) and while he got sober, he never went to AA and I don't believe he ever actually began a process of recovery.  He was still the same person after he got sober that he was before - with all the same demons and issues that drove him to that can of beer in the first place. 

It's just recently I've realized that recovery is not just about not drinking.  It's about change.  About not being that person you were before.  About finding out exactly who you are.  I don't think - no...I know - he never did that.  For a time I was so proud of the fact that he kicked it on his own.  That he didn't need the crutch of other people to get sober.  That he was STRONG. I wanted to be strong too because that's all I've ever known how to be.  But what I'm thinking now is that he was actually weak.  That he didn't have the courage to stand up and ask for help...because it takes courage to come out of isolation and ask for help.

Oh Lord what a can of worms I think I've opened...

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