Tuesday, February 7, 2012

AA and Jumping Back Into the Ring


I was actually excited to go to my AA meeting last night.  It was only my second time but I got so much out of the last meeting that I couldn't wait to go back.  I loved that feeling of belonging.  That feeling that these people knew me when they didn't even know me.  The feeling that here I don't have to be ashamed...then I walked in the room and wouldn't you know it...the Boxing Bitch stood up and started smacking her gloves together.

IN THIS CORNER, one frightened, insecure, needy, new to recovery SOOOBERRR WOMAAAN!

IN THIS CORNER, one VERY LARGE, ugly and mean spirited woman who loves the act of beating up on people. BBBBBOXXXXXXING BIIIIIITCH!

Ding ding ding.

Round 1.  There were Twelve and Twelve books on the chairs.  What the hell is this?  Oh my God...I don't know what these are.  I don't go to beginners meetings because I've been sober for so long but what if I'm doing it wrong?  Lord please don't let them ask me anything.  Maybe I should just go and forget this...nope, I'll stay for a few minutes.

Round one to Sober Woman.

Round 2. THEN the leader said we were going to read from Step Two and share.  Oh shit.  I don't want to share...they're are so going to think I'm an idiot and ask me to leave.   I knew it!  I knew that feeling of belonging wouldn't last long.  I don't belong here.  Lord what in the hell have I done?

Round two to Boxing Bitch.

Round 3.  We began to read and I quickly got the hang of it, took my turn and began to relax (I didn't HAVE to share of course...so I didn't).  Once I did begin to relax, I let the words sink in.  Well what do you know, once again something I have been so desperately struggling with...finding my own relationship with God and LETTING GO.  I sat there and tried to let the words wash over me.  The BB was still wailing on me...back there yammering on and on, but eventually I was able to tune her out and take in what was going on in the room.

Round three to Sober Woman...and her trainer, God.

Round 4.  After the reading, some shared their experience with this step.  That's when it happened...that feeling of belonging began to fill my heart and mind and I could feel it reach out to my soul and touch it...so gently.  Like a mother's kiss to a child's forehead when they are asleep.  My shoulders began to let go (I am a chronic "huncher"), my back muscles relaxed and, most importantly, my heart and mind opened and the words took on real meaning.

OH MY FOLKS - THE BB IS DOWN!!!  SHE'S OUT!  THE MATCH GOES TO...SOBER WOMAN!!! (And the crowd goes wild!!!)

There's a sharing meeting on Friday night.  I've never been to one of those but I'm ready to go another couple of rounds with BB to see what it's about.  If it's anything like last night, better place your bets with me.  BB doesn't stand a chance.

1 comment:

  1. You had that BB on the ropes the whole time...you think when she is just "shadow boxing" before the match gets goin' she is hammerin' on you but that isn't the case...she just knows that she is in for a hell of a bout and she's just warmin' up...it' obvious that the crowd was there for you and not the BB!!!

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