I occured to me this weekend (and probably a little last week as well), that I'm feeling either jealous or envious of some of my friends of late. Since that is SOOOO out of character for me, it alarmed me and made me launch into research mode.
The dictionary defines the terms as follows:
- Jealousy - Resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc.
- Envy - A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, successes, possessions, etc.
Nevermind - here's the deal. About six of my good friends have found a little fame and fortune of late. All of it coming late for them and all of it more than well deserved. This is the part where I type "And I couldn't be happier for them!"...except that I can't type that because I'm not happy. I'm...um...well...one of those words above. I just don't know which one and it really doesn't matter because those are feelings I don't normally have and they've left me in a funk. I don't know how to DEAL with them so I don't know how t get past them so that I can really type those words and mean it.
There...it's out in the universe. Psyche check. Nope...still don't feel any better.
Sigh...I guess it's because I'm beginning to let my self really feel things. Before I'd just open another bottle of wine if it was after work or take a couple Excedrin if it was the next morning (because the hangover was all I could deal with) which doesn't leave much room for feeling. Plus I'm starting to really open my heart to feelings for people other than my kids and husband. To really feel what I feel, in the moment, and not just worry about and take care of them (which, after all, is not real friendship...it's just another form of mothering). That is what, I think, is leaving me anxious and unsettled and funky...the feeling of feeling.
So what. I'm mean really, so what? So I'm feeling...what in the name of all that is holy am I supposed to DO with that? I don't have any tools for that. I've never been equipped (properly) to let myself just feel and deal with what that does to me. Who does that?
Certainly not my family where I didn't have time to feel because I was too busy taking care of everyone!
Certainly not my family where I was made to feel less than and never good enough so that all that feeling just led to an abused and broken girl who stuffed it all down just to make it through the day.
Certainly not a grown woman who continued to stuff it all down for FEAR of being abused and broken...by people who love her...again.
Certainly not a grown woman who only lets her children into the deepest recesses of her heart because she knows they won't (intentionally) abuse and break it.
Certainly not a woman who doesn't even know how to take a compliment, much less help and support from people who love her because she doesn't want to be beholdent to anyone because that would mean she owes someone who might hurt her AND she can't figure out why they love her in the first place.
Certainly not a woman who is terrified of who she's is on the other side of recovery and feeling all this feeling - what if recovery and feeling all this feeling uncovers that, down deep, she's really one of them? One of the ones that abused and broke her for all those years so long ago?
And certainly not a broken soul who can't seem to let go and reach out to the only one who could really help her for fear that even He might not find her good enough.
Yeah...this feeling of feeling is rough.