Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Afraid Once Again


I was having a lot of trouble coming up with a topic for my post today.  I realized a little while ago that it was likely because I didn't want to talk about what I really need to talk about because I'm uncertain about how I feel about it.  Clear as mud?  Good.  Let's move on.

See I did something last night that I never thought I'd do and I'm not really sure how I feel about it in the cold, clear light of day.  No...not THAT!  (But it does sound an awful lot like that now doesn't it...hmmm...file that one away as a post for another day.)

Anyway...I asked for and later approached someone to be my sponsor in AA.  I REALLY didn't want to do that because if I did, it meant that I was REALLY going to have to immerse myself into the rhetoric and beliefs of the program and no longer sit on the sidelines and just listen.

Nevermind that God has been pushing me in that direction since the moment he whispered in my ear that I should go to AA.  Nevermind that last Friday as I was driving to the meeting I thought - OMG...someone is going to ask me to read tonight!  I started to ask God to make that not happen and then changed it to "Help me to do Your will Lord."  You guessed it, they asked me to read the preamble...shit.

Nevermind that every single time I walk into those rooms the topic seems to be EXACTLY what I need to hear at that moment.  How do they know?  Maybe one of them is reading my blog...but unless I look like a bunch of pink roses, they wouldn't know who I was...so...how do they know?

Nevermind that I've been thinking that this particular woman might have something I need from the moment I first heard her share at a meeting (and then later speak at a Speaker Meeting), and that she happened to be available for Sponsees.

Oh crap...I really don't want to do this.  I really don't want to relinquish control to this person and let her lead me where I've never been. (Have I mentioned that I have trust issues?  Oh yeah...guess I have.)  I really don't want to get involved.  Can't I just sit and listen and soak it up and keep blogging and keep reading about other's recovery in my "drunk books"? 

Yeah..I could.  But I'd never know whether or not it was ALL I could do to find the peace and serenity I so desperately seek.  I'd never know if going that extra mile was "just what the doctor ordered".  I'd never learn to "Let Go and Let God". 

What am I afraid of? (Because, as you know, I'm pretty much afraid all of the time.)  I guess I'm afraid she won't like me (don't roll your eyes - it's an issue for me) and, more importantly, I'm afraid of doing it WRONG and FAILING and letting her down.  I'm afraid I won't "get it" and she'll be left to shake her head and think..."That woman is just hopeless."

Doesn't really matter.  I'm meeting her for our first one on one on Friday night.  I guess I'll just show up and do whatever she says.  Do you think she should or would want to read my blog?  How did you feel when you first reached out to a sponsor? 

5 comments:

  1. Do you want your blog to be your private place to go or...do you want your sponsor to be part of it?

    That's a question only you can answer. There are no right or wrong answers (to me) here. =)

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  2. You're right...too late anyway, right after I posted this yesterday she called and I asked her to read it. Guess we'll see won't we. ;-) Thanks for taking the time to comment (don't you love it when people reach out?!)

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  3. Well, then you made the choice that was right for you. Trust in those choices. =)

    Oh yes, I love it when people reach out. Sometimes I feel I fail to reach out enough - because I have so much on my plate. I try though...

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  4. Hmmm..I feel at some point you will want to write something here you don't necessarily want her to read. But too late now as you said. My whole family (husband, addict, daughter, son in law) read my blog--not that I asked them to, they found it because I spend so much time on it. It does inhibit me to a certain extent, especially with my daughter who is very touchy. My addict son doesn't care what I write about him...lol.

    My last sponsor (who I quit) told me blogging was a waste of time. But then she didn't even do email, so I don't think she understood how it helped me.

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  5. Everyone reads my blog too! Husband (who comments regularly), friends, sons etc. It sometimes makes me stop and think before I write but so far hasn't limited me.

    If it starts to...guess I'll have to start a new, more private version.

    As to your former sponsor, all I can say is that blogging (journaling, vomiting my thoughts...whatever) has saved my sanity. Just getting it out of my head where I can SEE it has been very helpful to me working through some pretty heavy stuff.

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