I was reading Mrs. D this morning over at Mrs. D is Going Without (love that blog!) and it got me thinking about what I must have looked liked while I was drinking not only to the people I love but, more importantly, to me. This kinda sorta goes hand in hand with my work on my Fourth Step and trying to figure out why I can't seem to get enough.
So I thought I'd try to write from the perspective of myself during a normal day while I was still an active alcoholic. If this kind of crap is not your cup of tea then feel free to sign off. I started this blog as a form of therapy and promised myself I'd always be honest...so that's what I'm going to do.
Morning - Headache, sour stomach, oh god it's so early....do I have to get up? Let me sleep a few more minutes and let the hubby take care of the kids this morning. No...it won't work - I'm up now...I'll never be able to fall back to sleep...seems like I never can. Shit. I am so not going to drink tonight. I think I need to take a break - this is getting out of control.
Remorse - OMG I did it again. I was up till 2 drinking and I drank 2 1/2 bottles last night. Holy crap no wonder I feel like shit. Let me curl up in this chair for awhile and just snooze...ugh, I can't snooze because I'm so restless. Even after a bad night's sleep I'm still restless. No coffee - I need a soda.
Prayer - Please God help me to stop this crazy business. Help me to control what's going on here. Why can't I just drink like normal people? Why can't I have just one or two glasses of wine and stop? Why can't I take a night off from time to time? Please help me Lord. I know that my kids hate seeing me stumble around when I'm drunk and I hate for them to see me. Sometimes I try to have a good time and be a "fun" mom but I always seem to cross a line and I can see in their eyes they are only humoring me...the way I used to humor my dad. Oh god...I'm becoming my father. Please help me Lord please.
Rationalization - It's Saturday. I'll clean the house and sweat out the alcohol and then I won't have to work out to do it. I've done such a great job cleaning the house today so I'm going to get some wine so I can have a glass to celebrate. I just love sitting in a clean house and having a celebratory glass of wine. It says - successful wife and mother sits down after a hard day and relaxes. I'll only buy one bottle and that way, if I do lose control I can't get too drunk. Should I really do this? I promised myself this morning that I wouldn't. But I deserve it! Oh fuck it - you know you're going to drink - just accept it and go buy the damn wine and stop making yourself feel guilty. You've got a lot going on in your life and you deserve an escape from time to time.
Shopping - Wow look. Cupcake Chardonnay is on sale! That's really a great price. I'll pick up two bottles so I can save some money. Wait! Here's another great Chardonnay on sale! Let me get a couple of these as well and I'll put them in the wine rack. Oh hey - this grocery store offers a discount if you buy six bottles at a time - I'll get one more of each and get another 5% off. Wow I am so glad I came in here. You know that will only get you through the weekend right? No way! I'm going to fill the wine rack and only put one bottle in the fridge and then I'll just have a glass or two tonight. I should be able to make this bottle last through tomorrow...or maybe just a glass or two out of the other bottle. That's all bullshit you know. Shut up - I deserve this.
Evening - What time is it? It's only 4:00 pm. I wonder how bad it would look if I opened a bottle of wine now? What's it like outside? Oh is a beautiful day! I should open the wine and take a glass out on the back porch with a good book. Yeah...that would be a wonderful way to bring the day to a close. Me...sitting on the porch sipping a cold glass of Chardonnay. A breeze. A good book. My husband will come out and we'll have one of our really good talks then we'll come in and make some dinner together. How fun will that be? Ahhhhh - I love that first sip...how the wine travels down my throat and into my stomach and the warmth spreads like a hug from someone you love. Man this is the life...I'll just sip this and enjoy the day. What time is it? It's 6:00 and dinner is ready. The hubs never did come out and sit with me - guess it's cause he was making dinner. I offered but he said no - I should relax. I'm so proud that I only had one (large) glass of wine! And it took me two hours to drink it. Now...if I keep myself at that pace then I should only go through one bottle and one glass tonight. That's pretty good. Oh wait - I won't drink at dinner, I'll just have some Pepsi Max and that will add another 1/2 hour to the equation so maybe I'll leave some of the last glass in the glass when I go to bed. You know that's bullshit right? Shut up - I deserve this.
Isolation - Ahhh - sitting in my comfy chair in my room - my sanctuary. With a full glass of wine next to me and HGTV on the TV. It's Saturday night so I can stay up later tonight - let's see what's on after 11:00. Even if the hubs wants to go to bed I can go downstairs and watch tv (drink) all I want. For now I'll just sit here and drink this glass and time myself so I don't get out of control. Alone - without anyone passing any judgement about the quantity.
Late Night - I'm going to open another bottle. Ooops...dropped a glass....shhhhh....hope I didn't wake anyone up. Lord I don't want to have to explain this. They'll give me that pitiful look and try to take over the cleanup. I'm FINE! A glass just fell out of my hand is all. Shit - I cut myself. Where the hell are the bandaids? Crap - If I wake anyone they are going to make me go to bed and I'm FINE! Okay - all cleaned up. New glass - fresh glass of wine. What's on TV? I'm such a mess. I'm a lousy mother, I'm ugly and I'm going to end up just like my father. I truly hate myself. What am I going to do? Normal people don't drink like this do they? Tomorrow I'm not going to drink. I'm going to look up the signs of alcoholism and see if I fit them. Tomorrow is the day I'm going to get it all together. Eat right, work out and especially NOT DRINK. I don't think I'll tell anyone yet because I won't be able to see that look of disappointment in their eyes if I do have a drink or two in a couple of weeks. I'll just keep this to myself for now and show them rather then tell them. It shouldn't take them too long to notice. Then I'll be their hero again. What? Was I sleeping? No sweetie I'm okay. I should probably go get in bed. Of course I don't need any help honey...I'm FINE. It's just a little cut. Be careful there may be glass on the floor. We'll take care of it tomorrow. Don't worry - everything will be FINE.
Morning - Oh my god I'm sick. How much did I drink? Where did I get this cut?....
Yeah...not so much. Thank you God for one more day sober. I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.
PS - What's sad is...this was a GOOD day. Yeah...grateful, recovering alcoholic today.