Monday, April 2, 2012

Monday Monday


I just love Maxine.

What is it about Monday's?  Besides the "going back to work" thing...why do they get me down here lately?

Today I kind of know why since two of my three are home on Spring Break and I don't have any time to take off and spend with them (not if I want any time off later in the year that is).  Back in the day (before I was laid off) I had 4 weeks vacation a year and an option to buy another one.  I took two at Christmas and the rest spread out over the year.  That was in ADDITION to 10 days of sick leave.  I don't think my former employer works that way anymore but dang it was great while it lasted.

Now I have 10 days of "PTO" and it has to be for everything except extended illnesses.  It just doesn't go very far.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have more than most and that a contractor usually doesn't get ANY paid time off - hence the term contractor, but I am a very spoiled banker and I miss all the vacation and holidays and  whine, whine, whine....shut the hell up Sherry.

In addition, I'm working on two different contracts and sometimes I literally don't know if I'm going right or left.  That's not just an expression.  If I go to one contract I leave my subdivision and turn right, for the other I turn left.  This morning I sat there and couldn't remember whether I was turning right or left.  Good thing my subconscious and my car knew which was I was going.  Sheesh!

Top that off with work that is less than challenging or demanding and is, quite frankly, quite boring and you've got one lackluster and deflated woman this Monday morning.

Let's top it all off with a conversation between my husband and I this weekend about budget. (Always an uplifting and happy conversation don't you think?)  Since I didn't win the Mega Millions and we are still poor the conversation opened the door to my old friend the Boxing Bitch.  She's a little out of shape - which is good because it means I'm not feeding her like I used to - but she still managed to go a couple of pretty good rounds.

She talked a lot to me about what a failure I am at providing for my family and how my drinking screwed up what could have been a perfect life (I didn't say she was rational...just LOUD).  No one at work ever knew how much I drank but the sickness of alcoholism and all that caused and fueled it, began to spill over into my attitude.  I got too full of myself (my husband calls it "believing your own publicity"...a fatal flaw in his opinion and I tend to agree), and then I got complacent and then I got laid off.  Simple as that.

Yes I was in a group that was targeted and very vulnerable but a lot of my coworkers were retained.  I had taken a new position to get away from an ugly situation and it ended up being the one on the chopping block.  I had taken the ugly position for an opportunity to move and start over somewhere fresh after my mom died.  I should have listened to my own advice.  
  1. When a major life event happens (i.e. the difficult death of a difficult parent), wait at least a year before making any life changing decisions...FAIL. 
  2. Be sure you are running to a new job, not running away from an old one...EPIC FAIL. 
Yeah...the BB was in rare form.  She even began to try and convince me that God had stopped listening.  No one has been praying more than me for a new opportunity to come my way.  A way for me to provide for my family and do something I really love to do.  A way for me to make amends to myself for what the BB and I perceive to be some of the most boneheaded moves of my life.  A way for me to find peace and shut her the hell up.

Okay - I know a new job won't do all that but it sure would make my head a lot more quiet and move the BB to a smaller piece of real estate in there.  And it might even make Monday's a little more bearable.

3 comments:

  1. You are pretty tactful at handling the BB...you have the foot work down and she has to wear those huge gloves which gives you the upper hand...keep up your chats with the Big Guy and remember to remind him what his has said to you in his Book...he'll come through...he always does...love you baby...Mondays are the bummer day of the week most likely because of the fantastic weekend that you're trying not to let end...

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  2. Don't listen to BB, you're not a failure. If your drinking did screw anything up, it's gone, finished. Over. There's often a "voice" trying to make us doubt ourselves/God/others when we begin to get things sorted. It's all lies.
    Something good will come along that'll be just right, at the right time. Who knows what, but. . . If you had stayed where you were, you would've missed the next thing coming.
    Often, with hindsight, we realise that what appeared to be a bad move at the time, or soon after, led to all manner of delights.
    Meanwhile you're working and providing for your family . . . surrounded by your family, flowers . . . chocolates.
    That BB is jealous that you're doing well without her . . . and not sharing your chocs with her ;-)

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  3. It sounds like you have come a long way in your recovery. Now you know when you hear that negative voice, you are able to identify it as just the disease talking. How awesome it is to have the awareness so the voice doesn't pack the same punch!

    XO

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