That was the topic of my walk last night. I walked the dogs and pondered, "Why is this happening? Can't you see I'm in dire financial condition? I need real health insurance to take care of my family - the kind that comes from working in a very large organization. I always hear that I'm supposed to be released from worry once I'm working the steps in AA - how come I'm still so worried? And how come You're not listening?" I actually thought, "My God...why have you forsaken me?"
Then all I could think of was, "I want to go home. I want to go back to our old town and my trees and my serenity. Things were better when we were there. Hubs was really happy at his job and the kids loved their school (they love their school now too but this was not a rational conversation I was having with myself - it was an emotional one). Maybe I should start working on a way to get back there...maybe that's the catalyst I need to feeling better."
Now - if you're new to this blog you may not recognize what this particular sentence is actually saying. In "Sherry Speak" what it is actually saying is...let's run away from this instead of staying and dealing with it. It is also what got me into this mess in the first place.
We were living in our last small town and life was difficult but happy. It was the home of my dreams and I felt at peace there most of the time. Of course my addiction was in it's infancy and my mother was dying and trying to take me with her but since I was still stuffing stuff down - it appeared perfect.
Then my mom died. Instead of dealing with those feelings and praying about all the guilt and crap that I was feeling, I proposed that we move to the big city in the south where...get this...you're going to love this...I would have more job security. You gotta love the irony. God does love a good joke now doesn't He.
Yesterday I wrote that I always advise people to wait a year after a life changing event before making any life changing decisions. Yeah...wish I would listen to my own damn self. Rather than waiting a year after her death and getting through my feelings (remember...I hadn't even admitted that I had a drinking problem at this time, much less admitted to my addiction), we put the wheels in motion and moved. In other words...I ran away...again.
Oh yeah...I mentioned that yesterday also - don't run away from something...run to something else. I'm a wise, wise woman...who apparently doesn't have the sense God gave her to listen to her own advice. But I digress...
My new job was no picnic either. I can honestly say that in all my years in corporate America, this was the worst job situation I'd ever had. Had I been younger or soberer (?) or had a better attitude it might (and I emphasize might) have been better but that wasn't the case. I was beyond miserable.
Instead of waiting for things to change which they ALWAYS do in banking, an opportunity came my way and I grabbed at it. Like a drowning woman reaches for a life vest - I grabbed it and got it. And about 3 months later found myself without a job. Again...I ran away. Frying pan to fire...insert your own cliche here.
Now I'm without a job which, listen closely to this, I WAS HAPPY ABOUT because I had convinced myself that I was going to get rich selling Mary Kay...or at least support my family. I had actually prayed to get laid off so that I could focus 100% on my business. I think I was so rabid about selling that stuff because those women gave me what I had never really had in a working environment - love and acceptance. Too bad I don't like customers and I hate selling stuff. After about a year when the severance ran out and I realized Mary Kay wasn't going to pay the bills I sent my product back and got my resume in order.
So here we are... I'm working contract work (thank you God for that) and seeking a full time "home" where I can put down roots again and start over. And I'm getting turned down over and over and over and my confidence has taken up residence in the toilet and my ego is in the ER after having been run over by a truck...a big fucking truck.
BUT I have decided to just LET IT GO. FINALLY.
All of my musings and prayers last night and this morning have led me to the realization that all of the crap that has happened over the last several years has been due to decisions that I have made. I have been mistakenly under the impression that I was in control, so I have continually operated as if I was in control. I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I am such a dumbass sometimes.
So Lord, I am turning it all over to You as of today. I know that You have plans for me to prosper and that You know what's in my heart and that You know what my family needs and what I need. All of the really good things that have ever happened in my life have come about when I let go and let You do Your work.
So there it is...the ball, as they say, is in Your court. And since I am the world's worst athlete - that is really quite a relief.
Have a great sober day - I know I will.
"Six letters, two words, easy to say, hard to explain, harder to do: Move On." ~unknown