Wednesday, April 4, 2012
I am a chronic rearranger. I'll get a look in my eye and my family says...here she goes again. Even my friends know. Once some friends were staying at our house for the weekend watching the boys and the dad said, "Let's rearrange the living room and see if Sherry likes it!" My kids assured him that I would and if I didn't, it only meant more work for them.
It happened again yesterday. On the way home from work, something told me to go home and rearrange my bedroom furniture. Well I've learned not to argue when I hear that voice so I went home and rearranged my bedroom...again. My boys helped (I used to do it alone and we have very HEAVY furniture) and my husband was pleased (well...actually he doesn't really care as long as it makes me happy) so all is well. AND I have a brand new bedroom! I even switched lamps and bedspreads around (and no one noticed...men!)
It's just that sometimes shaking things up is exactly what I need to make the house feel all new and shiny bright. It gives me a new perspective and makes me appreciate my belongings even more. It also give me an opportunity to clean house and vacuum under all those areas that were in the dark and gathering dust (no...I do NOT move my bed and vacuum under when I clean...I strive for the illusion of clean).
You feel it too don't you...there's a metaphor coming on...
Yes - it's just like my life recently. Toward the end of my drinking days, I did very little rearranging of anything inside. I just had no ambition and didn't want to see anything differently. I just wanted to sit up in my room and drink my 1-2 bottles of wine a night (maybe more on weekends) and pass out...alone. Don't bother me and I won't bother you. Don't rearrange anything and don't vacuum under anything...I'm F.I.N.E.
Even though I didn't rearrange on the inside doesn't mean I didn't shake things up on the outside (because, of course, that was the root of my problem and the cause of my pain - what was going on outside...Lord have mercy on my pathetic pea brain sometimes). So I did quite a lot of rearranging on the outside (see yesterday's post) and because it was void of any real feeling, thought, or prayer it really didn't work out all that well. Except for the fact that the path I was on brought me exactly to this spot and for that I am a very grateful woman.
So anyway - I see sobriety, AA, blogging and the search for peace and serenity to be my way of rearranging my psyche (damn...that's deep...try to keep up). Of cleaning house and vacuuming under all the dark areas and letting them into the light.
I've gained a new perspective on my past, my present, my loves, my faith and my work. I'm beginning to feel all new and shiny bright. I still have the down times but I'm able to pull out of them much quicker and certainly in a much healthier way. I stop and think about my feelings when I'm feeling them rather than seek to numb them and run away. That's what I call progress.
Now I'll do what I always do when I rearrange a room. I'll step back...take a look at the room over time...tweak some things and then, eventually, I'll do it all again.
So I'll step back from my new perspective on myself, take a look over time, tweak some things and then, eventually, I'll find the peace and serenity I seek.