Being Still

Yesterday was a bad day.  Not an all mind-blowing, go home and get under the covers and don't come out till morning bad...but it was close.  I wanted to just go home and get in my closet and be quiet for awhile.  I wanted to pray.  I wanted to just be still.  I didn't do any of these things because #3 son had a baseball game and I was responsible for #1 and #2 sons' dinner.

And yes, I could have taken the time to do all those things before dinner AND the boys are certainly old enough to figure out dinner on their own but that's not how I work.  I don't have them for many more years and since no one ever bothered about my meals most of my life, I have this obsession about making them healthy meals.  PLUS - knowing they were hungry and waiting for me means I would never have been able to be still.

My reaction to yesterday was a clear indication that I am not spending enough time communing with God.  Usually I can shake off days like yesterday without another thought - I can be Zen like that.  But yesterday is still sitting with me like a pit in my stomach.

I am actually feeling a strong need (craving) to be alone and be quiet and hear His voice.  I guess I miss Him?  I don't know.  I remember when the hubs and I first started dating and would sit at work and count the minutes until it was time to leave and see him.  I remember going back to work after the kids were born and counting the minutes until it was time to leave so I could see them.  That's what this feeling is.

I actually need some God and Me time.  It needs it to be quality time too.  Not my normal morning prayers, in the shower, where I get distracted thinking about what the day will bring.  Not at night, before I'm drifting off to sleep when I have a tendency to nod off mid prayer.  But a full on "search for God's voice meditation" that sometimes leaves me a little weepy but always leaves me feel refreshed and calm and renewed. 

He's actually calling to me and I'm paying attention enough now that I know when He needs me.

Damn - this is cool and scary all at the same time.  I'm not gonna lie - I'm freaking out a little here but it's a good kind of freaking out.  It's kind of a Zen freak out.

So here's a heads up to any of the members of my family that might be reading this, if you can't find me this weekend I'll be in my closet.  Don't bother knocking.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

~Psalm 46:10