Thursday, May 17, 2012

Grumpy



The literature doesn't lie - It's day 4 and I'm grumpy, short tempered and irritable.  The cravings last night damn near did me in...sigh...

And I'm really pissed off at normies.  You know who you are - you normal people who understand the concept of M.O.D.E.R.A.T.I.O.N.  I don't have a frickin' clue what that word means or how to employ it in my life and that just pisses me off.  (I'm going to curse a lot in this post so considered yourself warned.)

I guess this is sort of a pity pot post except that I don't really feel sorry for myself...I'm more angry...Isn't that part of the grieving process?  I believe that when you have major life changes, you need to spend some time grieving what has passed.

For example, on one of our moves I had to leave my church.  It was a 200 year old, small Catholic Church.  We were part of that community and my kids went to school there.  I loved that church.  It was my church for 20 years.  When we moved and I couldn't replicate it, I grieved it's loss.  I still miss it but I've learned to let that go...or maybe not - I haven't really been to church since.

When we moved to our current home I grieved for awhile about the "dream home" we left.  Some think I'm still grieving the house but really, I just miss the Bay and my back yard.

When I quit drinking and smoking I spent some time grieving those old friends as well.  I knew they were bad for me and that I had to let them go but let's face it, no one does those things because they do not feel good.  We do them because they take us to a place of comfort - at least in the beginning.  And then we spend the rest of our addiction chasing that first high.  That first feeling of AHHHH.  I'll admit that even up until I quit, that first drag of a cigarette in the morning was the best (if I could get past hacking up a lung) and that first sip of cold Chardonnay and the feeling as the warmth spread through my body was nirvana.  But I don't know how to stop, so what was pleasurable soon became unbearable and ugly and just wrong.

Same with sugar.  If you like sugar (some people don't - I think they are actually aliens disguised as humans and one day Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones will show up and vanquish them) then you know that feeling of bliss when you take that first bite of cheesecake, or ice cream or oreo or whatever.  That first bite has no guilt, adds very few calories and it totally doable because...dun, dun, duuuuun...it's only one bite.  It's the 25th oreo, the second piece of cheesecake, or the third scoop of ice cream that makes you feel like shit.  And it's doing that ALL THE TIME that makes you an addict.

My dearest friend is a normie.  She pisses me off too...mostly when we're out together.  She only smokes when she drinks.  She buys a pack of cigarettes, smokes while we're drinking (not as much anymore because of the laws but you get the idea) and then she walks away at the end of the night and leaves whatever is left of the pack at the bar or just tosses it in the nearest trash can!  Who does that?  Oh...and I haven't seen her drunk in probably 25 years!  She drinks, she just doesn't get drunk.  WTF? I think Will and Tommy Lee will be knocking on her door one day too...I'm going to miss her.

Last night as we got into bed I told my husband, "You know...you people have no fucking idea what I'm going through here.  You have no idea how hard this is and how angry it makes me that I was born this way, or let myself get this way, or triggered whatever the hell I triggered.  You all walk around here like everything is hunky-dorey, when, in reality I'm in hell!  This is the third goddamn (little g) time I've had to go through this and I am OVER IT!" 

Note:  They are actually tip-toeing around me right now and being VERY kind to me (except for the bowl of Hershey Nuggets on the counter...really?  Can we please throw them out!); but I was angry and he was the only person in the house with whom I was comfortable cursing like a sailor. 

He said the only thing he could say, "I wish I could make this better for you."  Normally that level of sweetness and kindness would bring tears to my eyes...last night?  Not so much.  I replied, "Yeah...I wish you could too...asshole (okay...I left that part off but I was thinking it - sorry honey).

Sigh...

Here's the good news.  Just like the cigarettes and the alcohol I am not going to pick up now that I've made up my mind.  And as I said last night to anyone who was listening - and let's face it, EVERYONE was listening because I was YELLING - "If I can get through this detox I will never again let myself get back in this condition."  I can't say I'll never eat carbs or sugar again because the body needs glucose and sugar is in EVERY FUCKING THING ON THE PLANET but I will keep a very close eye on my carbs and my triglycerides and my cholesterol and my glucose levels BECAUSE I NEVER IN MY LIFE WANT TO DO ANOTHER DETOX AS LONG AS I LIVE!

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

What...ever...

2 comments:

  1. Way to go! You do rock : ). I enjoyed this post very much. I understand the anger. I've been there.

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  2. Along with the other six...Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful, Doc, and Sneezy, this too shall pass....

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