Monday, June 4, 2012

Insecurities




Warning:  This is pity post.  Continue at your own risk.  You have been warned.

I really hate it when I go along fine, minding my own business when suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, my insecurities sneak up and bite me in my ample ass.  (That whole "ample ass" comment is a literary trick called foreshadowing. You'll see.)

I could pretend to be insecure about a whole host of items but really...it's about the way that I look..that's the one that really kicks my ass.  That's the one that makes all of the other ones rear their ugly heads and ROAR! 

I HATE that one.

Why do I do this to myself?  Why can't I just accept the way I look and get the hell over it?  It's not like I'm a hot mess or anything.  I dress well.  I don't smell (in fact I think I smell pretty dang good thank you very much).  I wear makeup to the grocery store for heaven's sake.  I seldom go out of the house unless I'm in full hair and makeup.

Then why?

Lord how I wish I knew.

I'm doing "just okay" with the whole carb/sugar thing and that's only because of all of the meals and events I'm catering.  I'm probably not eating more that 50-60 carbs a day but of course, all weight loss has stalled.  I still feel pretty good physically, but, being the ACOA, recovering alcoholic, over controlling, type A, perfectionist that I am, I am having a hard time with this "maintaining and being healthy" crap.  I just want to get back to where I was when I was 35 as quickly as possible because doing that will make everything perfect, right?  Right?

Oh...and don't forget to add to the mix that I'm surrounded by 20-25 year olds who are all thinner, younger (duh), with tighter skin and, uh, assets and more functioning brain cells, and my insecurities react like they've just scored the greatest meth of their LIVES and they are going to be up 24/7 partying their asses off.

And once they begin to party they invite all of their friends, some of their relatives and a couple of strangers they drag in from the street.  My insecurities do not discriminate - they are equal opportunity offenders.

So I sit here feeling dumpy, frumpy and old.  Needing a hair cut but not having time to go and get it.  Wearing...ugh...flats because running up and down city streets at my age and weight is hard on the feet.  And watching the makeup slide off my still oily 51 year old face to reveal the not-so-taut skin that is sagging underneath it all.

Sigh...

I'm also wondering what it is about recovery that makes you so damn vulnerable! I guess it's because I don't have a crutch anymore.  Somehow knowing that my bottle(s) of wine or tub o' chocolate was waiting for me made the insecurities easier to deal with during the day and then, of course, disappear in the evening.  Now that those are gone I have to go home and just look in the mirror and hate what I see.

I know there's a perfectly good explanation for all of these insecurities.  I know that there is some deep seated reason that they come around only when I'm feeling out of my element.  Honestly, I don't really give a shit...I just want them to stop.

And right now I would just like to feel like I'm strong and successful, both physically and emotionally, and I haven't felt that in a LOOOOONG time.

I mean...really?  For reals?  A 51 year old mother of six who still can't seem to get her emotional and physical shit together?

Really?

8 comments:

  1. Um, you sound perfectly normal to me. Its a huge issue for many of us women. We are programmed to think a certain look is expected of us and if we don't live up to it, we're not good enough, no matter how good we look! And then we do the same thing to ourselves over and over comparing ourselves (please, only compare yourself to women the same age, like me for example, and you will feel much better! 25 year olds are HALF our age and we probably looked hotter at that age than they do, right?)

    I'm not minimizing what you're saying, just comiserating cause I am so much the same. Just got back from my therapist and we discussed my using food for comfort, yadda yadda ya. He said its probably just as hard to give up sugar as it is heroin or alcohol, in fact in some ways its harder because we can get away with it without anyone knowing we did it, with no consequences (like getting arrested or doing something stupid).

    We just have to keep being GOOD to ourselves.

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  2. Our culture devalues women when they get older. It gets worse the older you are. Just ask someone who is out of work at 50..there are all kinds of books out about marketing yourself in a "younger" way (by dressing younger, a more current hair style, etc) or else you won't get a job. It's a sorry fact.

    You have given me an idea for a post later in the week about my experience on this subject (so watch for it..LOL).

    Don't forget another aspect of getting older: confidence, wisdom, better judgement, spirituality, compassion. Yeah, I know..all stuff you can't see on the outside!

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  3. Yeah, what Barbara said. I'm wondering though, do you exercise? Whenever I'm feeling sluggish and fat and spotty exercise really makes me feel better, lifts me up heaps. Even if I don't look any different I feel so much better after a class. Can you fit that in somewhere? I'm struggling right now as I've had to cancel my gym membership here and don't know when I can start again in the new city. And I'm eating heaps more and badly for comfort through this move, my skin has broken out, arrrgghh!! Hang in there, I know this gritty feeling will pass. Xxxx

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  4. I agree with Barbara, we just have to keep being good to ourselves!

    And came up with a suggestion, perhaps you could bargain with your family to get half a day all to yourself. Create a spa at home! Occupy the bathrum, light scented candles, drip your favourite parfume in a bubbly bath, put on a facial mask and hair treatment and so on. Afterwards, maybe your husband could massage some lotion over your entire lovely body and serve you a plate with fresh fruits and berries and you could just lie there and enjoy pure bliss. Maybe listen to music or read a book.

    That ought to make ya feel beautiful like hell! :)) hugs

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  5. Oh, but first! Do go and get that haircut :)

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  6. Everyday, I see, touch, hear, and enjoy the most beautiful woman, wife, mother, fellow worker, friend and confidant who has ever graced this planet...who has forever faced this same delima in her life....I pray that you will eclipse this feeling and move through you life as the ultimately complete woman that I know that you are in reality....I love you, baby, everyday, at least until tomorrow!!!

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  7. I'm loving this Elmo fellow. LOL

    I'm here to give you hope...at least on the weight loss side of life. When you eat low carb, low sugar, make sure you aren't over eating your calories. They still matter, they are just harder to get in without the carbs. Assuming you aren't gorging on a T-bone steak every other hour, try and remember that weight loss does not happen daily. It seems to go in spurts and stops. Keep the faith, and keep doing what you are doing. A true stall does not happen until there is no weight loss for 2 weeks. You can usually jump start the loss again by simply eating a cheat meal. There is science behind that logic, but I simply am not smart enough to explain it, nor understand it to be perfectly honest. LOL Just trust me.

    And here's another little piece of wisdom...love yourself COMPLETELY every step of the way. I'm serious here. Stand naked in front of a mirror in all your splendor and be truly thankful for every square inch of yourself. You are an amazing miracle. You should be cherished and adored. Who better to do this than YOU? If you do this, I promise you will see changes.

    Oh, and when that scale starts to move again (and it will), come in and post about it...and I will cheer with you at the top of my lungs. You are worth your own effort!!!!!

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  8. Can vouch for what notmyboy said about the weight loss happening in spurts...I too have been watching my carbs (though not religiously) and was stuck at my weight for several weeks and feeling very discouraged. At weigh-in this morning, I saw I finally dropped another pound. I'm not around a lot of temptation like it sounds you are, so I sympathize. Sugar, unlike alcohol, is unrealistic to just quit. When I get discouraged, I try to feel the line about progress, not perfection. I note the way I feel and remind myself that muscle weighs more than fat and other silly things that make me feel better :)

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