Warning: This is pity post. Continue at your own risk. You have been warned.
I really hate it when I go along fine, minding my own business when suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, my insecurities sneak up and bite me in my ample ass. (That whole "ample ass" comment is a literary trick called foreshadowing. You'll see.)
I could pretend to be insecure about a whole host of items but really...it's about the way that I look..that's the one that really kicks my ass. That's the one that makes all of the other ones rear their ugly heads and ROAR!
I HATE that one.
Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just accept the way I look and get the hell over it? It's not like I'm a hot mess or anything. I dress well. I don't smell (in fact I think I smell pretty dang good thank you very much). I wear makeup to the grocery store for heaven's sake. I seldom go out of the house unless I'm in full hair and makeup.
Lord how I wish I knew.
I'm doing "just okay" with the whole carb/sugar thing and that's only because of all of the meals and events I'm catering. I'm probably not eating more that 50-60 carbs a day but of course, all weight loss has stalled. I still feel pretty good physically, but, being the ACOA, recovering alcoholic, over controlling, type A, perfectionist that I am, I am having a hard time with this "maintaining and being healthy" crap. I just want to get back to where I was when I was 35 as quickly as possible because doing that will make everything perfect, right? Right?
Oh...and don't forget to add to the mix that I'm surrounded by 20-25 year olds who are all thinner, younger (duh), with tighter skin and, uh, assets and more functioning brain cells, and my insecurities react like they've just scored the greatest meth of their LIVES and they are going to be up 24/7 partying their asses off.
And once they begin to party they invite all of their friends, some of their relatives and a couple of strangers they drag in from the street. My insecurities do not discriminate - they are equal opportunity offenders.
So I sit here feeling dumpy, frumpy and old. Needing a hair cut but not having time to go and get it. Wearing...ugh...flats because running up and down city streets at my age and weight is hard on the feet. And watching the makeup slide off my still oily 51 year old face to reveal the not-so-taut skin that is sagging underneath it all.
I'm also wondering what it is about recovery that makes you so damn vulnerable! I guess it's because I don't have a crutch anymore. Somehow knowing that my bottle(s) of wine or tub o' chocolate was waiting for me made the insecurities easier to deal with during the day and then, of course, disappear in the evening. Now that those are gone I have to go home and just look in the mirror and hate what I see.
I know there's a perfectly good explanation for all of these insecurities. I know that there is some deep seated reason that they come around only when I'm feeling out of my element. Honestly, I don't really give a shit...I just want them to stop.
And right now I would just like to feel like I'm strong and successful, both physically and emotionally, and I haven't felt that in a LOOOOONG time.
I mean...really? For reals? A 51 year old mother of six who still can't seem to get her emotional and physical shit together?