Thursday, July 19, 2012
Making Peace Gaining Serenity
I've always been a little bit psychic. I dream about things that later happen (haven't done that in awhile though) and I'm sensitive to energy. When we bought the house prior to this one, I walked in and had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It almost made me back out of the deal. But then I met the owner and she told me how much she loved the house and how she was so sad to be leaving it. Once I understood the nature of the sadness, I was okay.
After my mom passed away she...lingered. I could walk in a room and smell...I am not even kidding here...mustard, and I knew she was there (she loved hot dogs with way too much mustard on it and she usually ended up wearing most of it). We would also smell stale cigarette smoke once in awhile and knew she was there. Even when we moved out of the house and into our brand new home 4 states away, every once in awhile she'd pop up.
I haven't "smelled" her in some time now. I thought she had found peace.
And then I started thinking a lot about her after I posted about forgiving her. She must have heard me...she's back.
It started as just a passing scent of smoke but has gotten stronger over the last few days. I talk to her when I smell it. Just to say "Hi" and "Remember...you died...you can rest." But driving to work this morning I got this overwhelming feeling of peace and serenity and I just KNEW. I knew it was time to forgive and make peace.
So I did.
Tearing up, I started talking to her. I told her how much I really did love her and how sorry I was for not turning around the night before she died to tell her so. I told her I was sorry for withholding my love and affection as a kind of punishment for her narcissistic behavior. I told that even though we were complete opposites and that she drove me BATSHIT, there were good times and times she was there for me when I needed her (no matter how few).
Most importantly, I told her I forgave her for not being a good mom because I knew it wasn't her fault. She really did do the best she could with what she was equipped - which wasn't much. An abusive father who molested her and a cold mother who was jealous of her. A personality disorder that not only went undiagnosed, but that no one could have done anything about. She didn't stand a shot.
The hubs used to say that I needed to stop making excuses for her and blaming myself for her behavior. So I did. But now, on the other side of it, I see that life is way too short to carry resentment and anger around - especially for something over which you (and she) had no control.
I uncovered it, I dealt with it and now I'm letting go and moving on.
After I have a good cry that is. I miss you mommy and I really, really did love you. You just sucked at being a mom...and that's okay.