When I was in Mary Kay, "blessings are chasing you down" was a common phrase among Directors to help inspire the troops. It always made me think, "Why are they chasing me? I'm right here! Catch me!"
The fact is that blessings have always chased me down and I've always let them catch me. I'm not sure if it's my attitude, my faith or just plain luck but whatever it is and despite a less than happy childhood...I am really, really blessed.
There was a time that I would have let myself feel guilty for my blessings. You know, "Why am I so blessed when so and so is struggling so much." "What makes me so special?" I felt bad about how lucky or blessed I was. So much so I would hide my blessing from family or friends and stuff them down because I didn't want to make anyone else feel bad.
Really? WTF is that?
No more. I am a blessed and highly favored woman. The fact is that God loves me and good things always come of that. I will no longer feel guilty or apologize for the fact that God loves me. Another fact is that I have worked my ass off to make sure I, and my family, are blessed and I will not apologize or feel guilty for that anymore. It's mine. I'm going to own it.
I started thinking about this yesterday because my nephew's baby mama has friended me on Facebook and it's giving us a chance to get to know each other before we actually meet. She's due around the first of the year and so I'm going to want to go and visit once the baby gets here...after all, a boy needs his mama at a time like that. Don't worry, I will not be THAT kind of mother-in-law. The girl has a mother who is very involved. I'll just be there to support and love my nephew and let him know we're behind him and his new family.
Anyway...if I go out to see them, there's a very good chance that I will inadvertently run into my sister and even though I've processed through a lot of crap in recovery, the fact is that the bitch can still push my buttons. She also has a way of making me feel guilty for my blessings. AND she will be trying to claim my nephew and the baby because...well that's the kind of person she is. She loves to show up and claim the boy (man?) when it provides her with something.. "Oh look at me! I'm a new grandma!" What the fuck ever.
Oh...and she's still an active alcoholic and drug addict. Yeah...there's that too.
So I'm screwing my head on straight now and applying a little extra torque so that when, and if, I get my ass out to see the baby and when, and if, I run into her, I can visit and leave my buttons unpushed.
In the meantime I'm buying baby stuff on sale and loving every minute of it. They're young and the odds are against them but that doesn't mean I can't be there for my nephew. I make a point of being there in the good times and the bad. That's what moms do.
"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence."