I've been having some fairly wild mood swings for about the past week. I thought that once you were post-menopausal the mood swings and the hot flashes would taper off and eventually quit. Well not for me. Not only are the hot flashes back but the mood swings are crazy!
It seems as though the slightest thing can send me either into anger or despair. Then it takes me a while to shake it off and get back to normal. I'm not a superstitious person but I swear this all started after my Zen post the other day. Maybe that's the universe's way of telling me I'm not as "zen" as I thought I was.
For example, I came home this weekend from being out with my boys and, as usual, the counters in my kitchen as well as the kitchen table were a mess. Now this always aggravates me and I've been known to throw a tantrum or ten about it but usually it's been brewing for a while before I blow. Not this time. I walked in the door, took one look and proceeded to take off the hubs' head as soon as he spoke (then he got all passive-aggressive which made me even angrier). In the moment I was thinking, "WTF is this?" But of course that didn't stop me. I finally retreated to my yoga room for a much needed attitude adjustment, emerging later only slightly better.
0 to bitch in 1.4 seconds flat.
Next was my tirade on a friend's blog which I wrote about here (and have blessedly let go) which was really not like me at all. And let me say thank you to all who commented and brought me in from the ledge. That took over 24 hours to shake off and if it hadn't been for the post and comments, I'd likely still be carrying that sucker around in my gut.
So my boss snapped at me today. Not the first time but the first time it was directed to something I did. It stung and I'm still not sure what brought it on but I should be able to attribute it to how she was feeling in the moment rather than a fatal flaw in my character. I've been in the workplace long enough to know that if you work with people long enough they become like family and get on your damn last nerve sometimes. Apparently, in that moment, I got on hers. I should be able to shake it off and move on...she has. Note the use of the word "should". It's been sitting here churning in my gut all afternoon. And she's out so I can't even talk to her about it. (Which is probably God's way of protecting me from myself right now because she would likely think I have lost my freaking mind!)
Now, let's be clear, I am no stranger to this feeling. It happened to me on a regular basis from the moment I began drinking. Not being able to remember what happened the night before and worrying yourself to death until you could see the person (or people) and gauge by their reaction what class of ass you'd made of yourself. Doing something so out of character that you can scarcely believe you did it and then being so remorseful about it that it would take days to rid yourself of the guilt. Bringing up an event in conversation just to see if anyone brought up your behavior. Having your spouse tell you something that you said or did and then cringing and feeling that familiar feeling of "Oh...my...God. When will this stop?"
But! Since I've been sober I have loved the feeling of never having to worry about that kind of thing again. Except that I guess I misjudged that bitch menopause and her impact on my moods, emotions and inability to shut the fuck up.
So, until I can get some control over these moods and their impact on those in my general vicinity, I think I will learn to breathe before I answer, comment, type (except in this blog), or respond. I may even breathe before I make eye contact since I've been told that my face gives away my emotions like TMZ gives away celebrity gossip.
I probably should carry a paper bag with me - I may cause myself to hyperventilate with all this breathing I'm going to be doing.