I took off yesterday and Monday, mainly because I haven't had any time off all summer, in spite of working 50-60 hour weeks; but also because I'm celebrating getting the new job.
You'd think that would put me in a fabulous mood and that I'd be walking on sunshine.
You'd be wrong.
It all started on Friday morning when I told the hubs I was getting my nails done and throwing in a pedicure. He gave me a look that clearly said, "You should really wait for the 15th to do that." That really pissed me off. I caught an attitude and as hard as I try I can't seem to shake it.
Here's the thing...it's not about the stupid pedicure and, up until this morning, I didn't know that. I did know there was more to what I was feeling than the stupid pedicure, but what I hadn't figured out was that the stupid pedicure really had nothing to do with it. What did have to do with it was brought on by a dream.
For the last few nights, my subconscious has been in overdrive and my dreams have been...um...really wild. I'm used to dreaming often, in color, and vividly. I'm also used to getting messages from my subconscious in my dreams so I often pay attention and try to decipher what they mean. You know you're stubborn when your subconscious has to use your dreams to tap you on the shoulder and say, "Listen up!"
Anyway, I had a dream last night that I got drunk at a work function and overslept the next day and was late for work. I was trying to call in sick (which I only did once in real life - even though I wanted to...many, many times). I was mortified and the hubs was disappointed in me and wouldn't take my calls. When I woke up this morning and began to process how I was feeling and how it made me feel, that's when it hit me.
I was pissed off about not being able to drink at my work function the other night.
Most of our functions are at bars/restaurants in the low to mid-price range. The kind of place you go to watch a game or to grab a beer after work. Relaxed, fun, no frills. These outings only bother me because the food, while great tasting, is not good for you at all and so I either eat it and ruin my diet or I don't and I leave hungry. Oh well.
But a couple of our outings are at upscale restaurants or venues with really good (and sometimes good for you) food and high end wine. Those are the ones that kick my ass every...fucking...time. And...as I'm realizing now...that pisses me off.
The one on Thursday night was in a beautiful restaurant just outside of the city. It's a converted church and is exactly the kind of place the hubs and I frequented before kids...a lot. I walked in and there were 50 or so wine glasses set up and filled with Merlot, Cabernet, Savingnon Blanc and...gasp...Chardonnay. The smell of that wine filled the entire restaurant...at least for me it did. And the glasses were those huge ones that I used to fill to the brim (they hold about a half a bottle of wine...seriously) and they were filled with a healthy pour since we were paying by the bottle.
In the restaurant it registered with me as sadness. I was sad that I couldn't join in and drink like a normal person and I was sad that I wouldn't be bringing the hubs there for dinner on date night because, at least right now, it would just be too much and I wouldn't enjoy myself.
What I didn't register was the anger and resentment I was feeling. I...um...stuffed it down. At first I did it because I was "on" and had to be a good host, but I'm so damn good at it that once it was down, it kind of stayed there for awhile. Then when I got home and tried to talk about how I was feeling, the hubs kind of brushed it off and went back to watching TV and commenting on the dogs (he's probably so sick of hearing about this crap he just wants me to shut the hell up - can't say I blame him one bit) so I stuffed it down again. Where it stayed. Until I got the look about the pedicure.
And then it jumped up and bit me on the ass, all the while yelling, "I'm baaaaaaccccckkkkkk."
While I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all this new found knowledge, I'm actually thrilled that I was able to figure it out and bring it forward so that I can deal with it rather than letting it fester like an infection until it makes me sick...again. I'm so happy I don't have to go back to that ugly place where I needed to isolate and drink in order to cope. I'm so happy I'm healthier than I was 2 1/2 years ago.
But I still need an attitude adjustment. I think I'll do a little yoga, some meditation, some prayer and then I think I'll rearrange the house and create myself a place in here that's just mine. So when I come home after an evening like that I can go there, center myself and adjust my attitude before it infects the rest of my world.
Sounds like a plan.
Sounds like recovery.