Tuesday, August 21, 2012

What's it all about Sherry?




Yesterday I posted about my lack of craving and my desire to enjoy my evening with my family - present and sober.  My evening was just as I had imagined, relaxing and easy.  In fact, I spent a good part of the evening reading and commenting on blogs. 

So, as often happens to me, my brain started working overtime as I was driving to work this morning thinking about some of the comments I made last night and why I write this blog.  It triggered a memory of a comment my oldest son made this weekend about my drinking. 

Oldest Child, "Just you know, I could never tell when you were drinking.  It's probably because my eyesight is so poor that I couldn't really see your eyes from a reasonable distance, but really, I couldn't tell."

Me...crickets accompanied by a blank stare.

Oldest Child, "I just didn't want you to think you were THAT bad."

And here's where it gets stupid.  All of you alcoholics out there know where this is going.  My besotted, shriveled up brain thought...

MAYBE I'M NOT THAT BAD! 

Really????  No really, REALLY????  Are you fucking kidding me?  After all this time?

The thought only lasted an instant before my sane brain took over and thought, "Of course you're THAT bad you ninny!  In fact, you're worse!" 

But it was too late - I had peeped into the darkness once more and affirmed what I've always known.  The darkness is there...always.  And the demon lives and lies in wait in that darkness.  It's my job to stay in the light.

Which of course I did.

This morning when I thought of this conversation, my first reaction was - I need to write about this.  I need to put "pen" to "paper" (fingers to keyboard) and write this shit down so I can process through it.  Thank God I found this outlet!  Thank God for blogs and the blogosphere! 

Which brought me back to why I'm still writing this blog and why I've gotten so wrapped up in the stats and worried about commenting, answering comments, counting comments, etc.  I mean again, really?!  This is not what it was supposed to be about!

Then what is it all about Sherry?

It's about this...

I LOVE this blogging community.  I have a list of blogs a mile long that I read EVERY DAY.  I keep up with you all.  I cry for you.  I root for you.  I support you and I feel supported in the process.  THAT's what it should be about.  Writing down my own thoughts and struggles and hoping, maybe, it touches and helps someone else.  Commenting when I actually have something to say and not just to be heard - ugh...I hate it when I do that.  Reading the heartfelt and welcome comments when someone is moved enough to comment on my blog.

But most importantly, this blog is so that I can stay out of the darkness and avoid the demon.  It's also so I can dissect my past and all the crap that got me where I am today.  It's about celebrating successes, acknowledging accomplishments, bragging on my kids, reaching out for help.

Essentially, this blog is my brain in Blogger format.

So if you don't see me commenting very much, it doesn't mean I'm not following and that I don't care, it's just that someone else has likely already said what I wanted to say.  I am also not going to check my stats anymore either - they really don't matter.  The fact is that I'm not getting paid to do this.  I'm not curing cancer.  The world will keep on turning if I have 1 follower or 101.

There - I feel better now.  And at the end of the day, that's really what this is all about.

Namaste

“And it occurred to me that there is no such thing as blogging. There is no such thing as a blogger. Blogging is just writing — writing using a particularly efficient type of publishing technology.”
~Simon Dumenco

5 comments:

  1. I have glimpses of that blackness too. Just the other day I thought how I could easily have just kept going as no-one else seemed bothered by my drinking. WTF??!! I blog for me first and foremost absolutely. To chart my feelings and emotions. To track what is occurring inside my grey matter as I beat this demon addiction. I love being sober, even when it's tricky. I love that people think I'm so strong and amazing. And I love my ordinary evenings. And I LOVE waking up every morning. I also love you, your blog, your openness and honesty. Your warmth and generosity. Your quirky nature and your lovely family. Whatever you do in the blog-o-sphere is fine by me xxxxxx

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    1. Right back atcha Mrs. D...right back atcha.

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  2. Raises hand; Most days, if I don't get on here and write down the chaos skipping around in my mind, I lack a degree of peace and serenity that, I believe, is notica)eable to everyone. When I post my little hearts .•♥•. marking the end of another post a big sigh comes over me and I feel focused.., then it gets extra special because I have found some new blog friends who are a)in recovery and b) a number of you are around that fabulous fifty age, so in the event I write something tha resonates with you, then, bonus! this is where it leaves me feeling, hey, you're really not alone in all of this,, there are peeps, JUST LIKE YOU.
    Its a win/win and we all go home with a smile on - I love it. I can't beleive I baled for eight months,, but,, I guess sometimes ya just gotta learn what you're missing to know what ya gotta do to keep the demons away, process murky waters, and if it really all comes together , , , help someone else along the way. Its a beautiful thing

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  3. Just want you to know.....I read you! I rarely comment, but I am here following your journey. I love your honesty. Like our recovery, blogging is all about YOU. It's our little spot to be ourselves and share our thoughts. I'm glad you are here and that share your journey with us. It's an honor to be allowed to share in your story.

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  4. Oh Sherry, Sherry, Sherry, I so needed to read your blog this morning, I was sitting here feeling all peevish, thinking why does so-and-so get so many comments and I don't? I wonder how many hits so-and-so gets? Why do I bother?...Thank you for taking me back to the beginning of my blog when I had 0 readers and the only purpose of writing was for my own recovery. I need to get back to that place.

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