Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Prying Open a Closed Heart

The last couple of days I've been feeling disconnected and disjointed.  I can't seem to quiet my thoughts and when I meditate, I don't perceive any light...only darkness.  Back before my drinking when haywire and then kids were little, I used to meditate on a regular basis.  Then I was filled with light and love and I could feel my heart expand and release all that positive energy.

Now?  Not so much.

I've been trying to figure out how to get the light back.  So far I haven't had much success but I think I may have a hint.  My blogging world friend, Riversurfer, discussed the idea of being vulnerable and letting others into your heart in her post today. (It's a great blog.  If you haven't read it you should.)  This got me thinking that maybe this is why I'm not feeling the light and love. 

Look, it's not exactly a state secret that I sealed my heart a long time ago.  I've written about it many times.  Children from dysfunctional homes often do that at a very young age to keep from being hurt.  As a result, I reach out to find fulfillment, doing everything for others in hopes that they'll like me and want me around, when I should really be reaching within to find that fullness and then let it radiate out to others.  What better way to help others than to be a source of love and peace to them?

Sounds good right? the hell do I get that done?

I guess that's the next step in the recovery process.  Learning to trust.  To open a heart that's been closed most of my life and realize that if I don't risk the pain, I'll never know the joy.  If I don't open it - the light and love and kindness and peace can't get in and if it can't get in, it can't begin to heal the hurt.

Anyone got a crowbar I can borrow?


Open Hearts Break Easily

Fright is instinctive fear, designed to protect us from physical danger.
Worry is fear produced by our worst imaginings.
Guilt is fear caused by a troubled conscience.
Insecurity is fear prompted by feelings of inadequacy.

Dread is fear generated by life’s fundamental uncertainty.
I have also come to recognize three distinct kinds of courage, defined, in this case, according to their objective.

We require:
The Courage to Act–because performing is a gutsy thing to do.
The Courage to Love–because open hearts break easily.
The Courage to Be–because, all by itself, life can be frightening.
~Ralph Acosta


  1. Yea, this is a great issue for me, learning to trust, to find it in myself to let go and to just trust people... I have my few but very close friends with whom I now am working on this trust issue. Particularily one who struggles with her alcohol problems is excellent to work with, as she isn't 100 percent trustworthy. That means that I want and will trust her completely, but also learn to let go when she perhaps fails herself (or how to express it). I want to be her friend for better or for worse, and she wants to be my friend. We are, by accepting all our faults.

    Love is the key, I have found. Loving and accepting love. It seems the more I love the more love is projected at me. All I need to do is to let go... leave my bitterness and suspisions at side. Not to dwell in the past, to relax, not to pretend to be something I am not. I'm not as strong as I thought, then I MUST show my limitations. I am not happy smiley all the time, then I will not pretend to be happy smiley.

    I love this newfound state... to just [be]. And to remember that I am good enough ;-)

    Oh dear... end of rambling, I hope you got any of the above hahaa Lots of love to you and thank you for sharing this marvellous post!

  2. Be patient with yourself. It has taken me a long time to get steps my friend.


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