|I love Ru Paul.|
I was driving to work this morning thinking about drag queens. (Now there's a sentence you don't hear everyday.) Specifically, I was thinking about an old friend who was our bartender and, on the side, performed in a drag queen act. I loved that guy.
Anyway, that brought me back to a time in my life when things were vastly different than they are now. I was in my early twenties, the hubs and I were doing the mating dance that people do when they are young, and I was the most obnoxious person I knew.
Of course, I didn't recognize it then. I thought I was the shit. You know? All that and a bag of chips? I was successful at a very young age and thought I could run with the big dogs. I would spout my opinion like it was the most important thing in the world and, because I was so young, everyone would listen.
Little did I know they were secretly chuckling and shaking their heads. "Isn't she amusing?" "Boy has she got a lot to learn!" Ugh. Every time I look back and think about it I cringe. I wish I could go back and change it. I regret acting that way.
But this morning I started thinking...why am I still holding on to crap that happened 30 years ago? Why am I still letting it take up real estate in my head? Why am I still beating myself up?
In reality, I didn't act any differently than these kids I see everyday at work. At that age, a little success goes directly to your head and, since you have no life experience from which to draw, you can easily show your ass on a regular basis. Sometimes you run into people who are amused or who will take you under their wing and give you some much needed grooming and advice. Sometimes you don't. You run into people who get in your face and tell you exactly what they think of you and they are not kind about it. I likely learned more from the latter than I did from the former, but I have also rented them space in my head for 30 years.
It's time they were evicted.
I realized this morning that I need to let all of that go. That even if I was more obnoxious than anyone else on the planet, 30 years is enough penance. I can't go back and change the events and I wouldn't be who I am today if they had happened differently. Let. It. Go.
I realize that there are those reading who are thinking, "Oh my God girl! Are you STILL thinking about that old stuff? You have to let it go?" Those are also the people who can drink normally and have likely not been drunk since the 90's (if ever). They know that the past is the past and you can't go back and change it so you might as well move the hell forward before it...oh...I don't know...let's your monster take control of your life?
I am not one of those people. Recovery has made me realize and learn and grow so this is all new. I am trying very hard and mostly succeeding. Revelations like this and posts like this are part of this process and I love it.
Let. It. Go.