Friday, September 7, 2012
Thinking About Drinking
One of my favorite new blogs is Tired of Thinking About Drinking. It's written very well from a place of honesty and truth. I love blogs like that. Check it out and see if you like it too.
For some reason, during my walk this morning the blog title kept popping in my head and I started thinking back to some of Belle's posts. Specifically, the ones that discussed the fact that she was, in fact, tired about thinking about drinking. Not just tired about thinking about it when she was drinking but tired of thinking about it in sobriety. Hmmmm....
Am I tired about thinking about drinking?
When I was drinking? Oh hell yes! It was exhausting. Every day was like the last and it never, ever stopped. From waking up with the shame and humiliation, to the rationalization of the night before, to the planning for the next evening. And then there are the thoughts about my kids. Yeah...those were tough.
But after I quit? Hmmm. I know in the beginning it was a 24/7 thing. I ate, drank, breathed, and lived sobriety. Some days were not one day at a time, some were one minute at a time. But just like anything else, time heals. Eventually it stopped being my whole day and became just part of my life.
Here's what I mean. If I were a diabetic, managing that would become part of my life. Not my whole life but a very important part of it because, if I didn't manage it, I would die. Alcoholism is no different. It's not my whole life but if I don't manage it I will, most definitely, die. And not in a get old and die in a garden playing with my grandchildren at 92 kind of way; but in a slobbering, shitting yourself, turning yellow and shriveling up at 52 kind of way. Um...no thank you.
That means I have to think about it so that I can be vigilant. Again, if I were a diabetic I would also think about it. Depending upon the severity of the disease, I would have to manage my blood sugar level often during the day and have the supplies on hand to manage the levels. That means I would have to plan my life around food and insulin whether by pump or syringe. As an alcoholic, it comes to mind erratically. Sometimes it comes out of the blue, seemingly from nowhere and knocks me on my ass. Other times I know I'm walking into a situation that might be difficult so I'm more prepared.
So I must plan for my disease. I stay on blogs and read about and try to help those with fewer days sober and learn from those who have many, many more days than I. I exercise and practice yoga and meditation. I pray and keep my connection to my higher power (God in my case) strong. I write my own blog and process through my feelings.
And yes, sometimes I become weary of managing this disease. I have a pity party from time to time. I've also been known to throw a tantrum or three. I bitch. I moan. And then I get the hell over it and thank God I'm on this side of the addiction because the other side really, really sucks ass. Especially the dead part.
It's not really any different than my diabetic friends. They too get weary and have tantrums and pity parties and bitch and moan. But the ones I know also get over it and thank God that they have the tools to manage their disease because without them they would be dead as well. And that is definitely not a good thing.
So for me it's not so much that I'm tired of thinking about drinking. I was tired of thinking about drinking. Now I'm grateful that all that thinking brought me to a place where I can be in recovery, manage my disease and just live my life with peace and serenity in my heart.