Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Knocking Me Wonky
I'm traveling for work this week...all week. I'm in one of my favorite cities on the planet - San Francisco. I just love it here. I miss my family like crazy but Northern Cali always helps. I'm also getting my first introduction to our west coast business partners which is making this trip a little more stressful than my business trips usually are. And I'm having a hard time with alcohol cravings.
Business trips always have a lot of drinking associated with them. New people in town means dinners out, happy hours, late night partying. It's an excuse to cut loose not only for those traveling but also for those in the office...mainly because the company is usually picking up the tab. This is not new to me. In fact, it's old hat.
But hey, I've had a number of business trips since getting sober! In the beginning I had a hard time. I can remember being in an airport on the phone with the hubs, in tears, because I was exhausted and I wanted to step into the airport bar and have a drink - or five. But I haven't felt that way in a long time.
That's not to say I haven't had pangs. Long term readers of this blog know that I'm often found panging on trips like this (or a warm day, or a cold winter's night...whatever), but pangs are not cravings. Pangs are blips on the radar, cravings are a nose dive that sends the air traffic controllers in my head into full on defensive mode.
It's really uncomfortable to be sitting next to a woman who has a glass of Savingnon Blanc that smells crisp and citrusy on a warm San Francisco night. Especially when your mouth is watering and you can't keep track of the conversation AND you're getting all pissed off because you can't have a glass of wine AND you find yourself awfully close to ordering one...or asking for a sip. Too close for comfort actually. Way too close.
Of course I didn't order any wine, nor did I take a sip, but it did unnerve me a bit. In fact it continues to unnerve me. Not that I thought that I was over such mundane things as cravings because I know I'm not; but because the craving and the potential tumble off the wagon was so strong and felt so close. Double fuck.
So naturally, being the analytical human that I am, I began to analyze the reasons why this is happening to me...because, damn it all to hell, this feels like shit and I want it to stop and not happen anymore.
Yeah...good luck with that.
Anyway, I figured out it's because I'm with new people who I don't know. As a formerly closeted introvert, this is very stressful and puts my world in the "I'd rather have root canal" category of life.
Secondly, this is a very long trip. Probably the longest I've been on in quite a while. This means I'm not sleeping or eating properly and my heart hurts because I miss my family so much. Again, knocking my world a little wonky.
Finally, there are some decisions I am going to have to make about my career soon that will more fully utilize my skills but that likely will leave some people unhappy. Sigh...after all my recovery efforts, I'm still a people pleaser to some extent so doing anything that will make someone unhappy leaves me unhappy.
All of the above serves to make me restless, irritable and discontent. Not exactly the best place for a recovering alcoholic to be. Even one with three and a half years under her belt.
Don't you love how, everytime you get a little cocky about something, God comes along and reminds you who's boss?