|Pink roses make me happy.|
And I won't, under any circumstances, risk the happy.
I've had some conversations while here in San Fran with some folks that would like to move me to a role that will put my skills to their highest and best use. I was very, very excited by the prospects and then I had my meeting with the big boss. He was less than enthusiastic. Hmmmm...
So, of course, I did what any self respecting female does in these situations...I got my feelings hurt. I took something that was a business decision and turned it into something personal. Like every decision this teams makes is about me. Like everyone sits in a room and makes all their decisions based on how I will react.
Well fuck me naked. I hate it when my brain goes to that world. It's a scary world...really bad neighborhood. Bars on the windows and 911 on speed dial kind of world. Letting my brain go to that place makes me feel vulnerable and, quite frankly, stupid.
So I thought about it, got some sleep and woke up with a revelation. I failed to ask for the business. I got so wrapped up in the fact that people weren't throwing me a freaking parade that I failed to clearly state what it was that I wanted. So I set up another meeting this morning with him, clearly articulated what is was I had to give and what I wanted to do with my skills and then shook his hand, thanked him for his time, and walked out of his office. I think we both felt better after the meeting...I know I did.
I wish there was a way to turn my "girl" off when I got into the office. Women tend to process things emotionally and with a different part of their brain than men. Our hearts are never far from our minds. Men...not so much. And since I work in a male dominated industry, I learned a long time ago that I would have to adjust my way of thinking in order to survive with my ego in tact. Which I had no problem doing during my heyday. But I'm sober now...and in recovery...and that colors my whole world a different shade of living.