Friday, October 11, 2013

I got sober because...

I've been thinking about how I don't write about being sober any longer.  I mention it from time to time but I seldom delve deeply into the subject of my sobriety.  I'm not sure why this is.  It's not because every day is sunshine and roses and the beast is dead because that would be a stone cold lie.  In fact, I just turned down a bachelorette party invitation for someone I care deeply about because I just didn't want to put myself in that place...you know?  Fortunately she understands which is why I love her so much.  Others?  Not so much but I could give a flying fig about them so it's all good in the hood.

I think it's because now it just is.  It's part of my DNA and part of who I am.  I had a conversation recently with someone who loves someone who is struggling with alcohol addiction and it reminded me why I got sober in the first place.  It's been rolling around in my head for a few days and since we all know that my head is not the best of neighborhoods and that my beast is sleeping and all that rattling around might wake him, I decided it needed to leave my face and hit cyberspace.

So here we go...

I got sober because I needed some quiet.  All that chatter in my head about when, why and how much just got to be too much.  I didn't really realize how bad it was until it was gone but I knew I couldn't take it any more.  There were times I felt like my head was in a vice and it would squeeze until I drank it away...only to go back to squishing my head in the morning.  For the women among you, think mammogram on your head and you'll get it.*

I got sober because I was tired of checking the whites of my eyes and my skin for jaundice.  I got tired of Googling symptoms of cirrhosis (my dad had it...I knew what they were...go figure).  I got tired of listening to my doctor chastise me because my triglycerides were through the roof (over 800...normal is below 150) and her knowing that I'm lying through my beautifully capped teeth about how much I drank.  (FYI - she told me that they are trained in medical school to double the amount patients tell them about how much they drink or smoke.  You're not fooling anyone.)

I got sober because I wanted and desperately needed a good nights sleep.  I was tired of waking up a 4:00 a.m. in a panic with my heart beating out of my chest and the sheets soaked because I was sweating out the alcohol only to try to fall back to sleep and fail.  Drunks do not sleep well.

I got sober because I was tired of surfing the Internet at 2:00 am to places I had no business being and then waking up wondering why my computer had so many viruses and Trojans on it.  What a dumb ass.

I got sober because I was sick to death of blackouts, brownouts or whatever the fuck you want to call it when you can't remember what you said, who you insulted, why you fought or whether or not you had sex with your husband.  I mean damn...at my age I have enough trouble remembering things, I don't need to add to that do I?  Plus, I was so sick of fishing around with people to find out just how drunk I was and what I did. 

I got sober because I was beginning to put myself in dangerous situations when I travelled.  Getting drunk in hotel bars and stumbling back to my room or getting drinking at a bar and getting in a cab drunk is not safe behavior for a woman alone.  I KNEW THAT AND DID IT ANYWAY. 

I got sober because I was terrified that something would happen to the hubs, my kids or even the dogs in the middle of the night and I'd be worthless because I was shit faced.  And lest you think this was only at the end of my drinking let me dispel that myth.  After my oldest was born we took him with us to a dinner party one evening.  When we got home he was a little fussy so I was trying to soothe him back to sleep...which is difficult when you're drunk.  The hubs snatched him from me and sent me to bed.  I will never forget the look on his face that night.

Speaking of kids, I got sober because what the hell kind of mother drinks herself into oblivion every night and then expects her children (who are all predisposed to alcoholism) to not drink either while they are underage or after they turn 21?  Um...that would be me...living in the land of boozers.  No...if nothing else they have seen the tenacity and fortitude it took for me to put down the cigarettes and the wine.  Even if they never pick up either, they will always know that they have it within them to do ANYTHING.

I got sober because I couldn't stand to see that look in my boys' eyes when I had disappointed them...again.

I got sober because drinking made me fat and I was sick of it.  I just wish I had quick drinking BEFORE I went through menopause which, by the way, came early because of the drinking.  So if you're fond of that belly, facial hair and a metabolism as slow as Congress, keep drinking - you'll get there.

And finally, I got sober to hopefully, finally and once and for all, stop the pattern of addiction that has plagued my family for as far back as I've been able to trace it on Ancestry.com.  It's on both sides - a double whammy - with both men and women.  I feel like the Keebler elf has been sitting on top of my head for years going, "Knock, knock...anyone home in that empty head?  Use the brains God gave you and stop killing yourself!"

Namaste

*By the way, if you are due for a mammogram and have been putting it off, now is a great time to get one.  It's Breast Cancer Awareness month and all of the glorius pink is a great reminder that it's time to get your boobs squished in a vice.  It's worth it.

11 comments:

  1. OMG! You're me!! I never had any idea that you went through all of the same tortures I did. You'd already been sober awhile before I found your blog (Sorry, I didn't go back and read from the beginning like I'm always telling everybody to do on my blog.), and I didn't know. I thought you were one of the smart ones that saw herself escalating to a bottle of wine a night and took control. It's not an envious sisterhood, but I'm glad I'm not alone.

    About those voices. There's been a lot of chatter on the message boards and the blogs about them this week, here's one important thing that I haven't seen mentioned, when all the voices can do is talk about booze, nothing else is getting through and we miss out on a lot of good thoughts.

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    1. Bwahahahahahaha...one of the smart ones...that's a hoot!

      No my friend, I'm just like all the other alcoholics...had to climb out of the shit to find the sun so I could finally grow.

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  2. So many likenesses in there!!

    Washing machine head - that nearly drove me over the edge.

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  3. I'm glad you got sober because then you started to blog and share your story and we got to be friends. Bless your brave heart Sherry. Thanks for sharing this with us.

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  4. I was going to accuse you of rifling through my draft files (or my head) and then upon rereading it, seeing the mammogram reference, I knew it wasn't my post. but damn, pretty near close to my kind of life. Just add another half football field to how much lower you can travel...lol.

    What you wrote was spot on. I could have written most of that, cause hell, I lived through it. The internet thing, the sleeping thing, the blackout thing...ugh. It got ugly, didn't it? The sleeping thing was the worst - those panic attacks I used to get, the snoring, the drenched sheets, the missed toilet trips (double ugh)...and a lot more, of course. Don't forget the guilt, shame and remorse! Those are the delicious toppings of this failed sundae of despair.

    What I love about your blog (and you) is the honesty and the humility you carry into your words. No doubt you have inspired many to start their own blogs (i guarantee that you have) and to open up about their own alcoholism. The more we share, the more we realize we are all very similar. We are unique in our ways, but we are very similar. I am glad you got out of the drinking racket before it got uglier. Blessings to that.

    Thanks for sharing this :)

    Love and light,
    Paul

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  5. Love, love this! So hones and real! I have felt that many times. And man, so glad sit done and over with! It never got better, it all just repeated itself in even worse scenarios than I could have ever imagined! And I love the line about it just being part of your DNA. And that you declined a bday party, omg I love it all, this is like in a nutshell everything. Sobriety rocks! Thank you so much for sharing!

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  6. Thank you for reminding me! Sometimes we need to hear it again.....
    I have the exact same reasons!
    I like the wanting sleep the best! Every time I want a drink, I think about the fact that I will not sleep like I do now!,

    Hugs
    Jen

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  7. Thank you so much for writing this all out... It's such brutal, beautiful, honest list, and I needed reminding about every single one of those reasons for quitting. My one year sober day is coming up at the end of October, and I've been feeling a bit dodgy, lost, and woe-is-me-being-sober-is-so-relentless... but being drunk is way worse relentless. You nailed it. THANKS. Sue

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  8. Thank you for sharing this brilliant read, a profound reminder! HUGS

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  9. Such a good post. You were in my head writing down my thoughts and experiences, weren't you?

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  10. Awesome! i got sober because whenever i tried to fix my life, i broke it worse. Getting sober, i stopped trying to fix it and moved out of its way and now it runs like clockwork!

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