Why Can't I Mother and Merger?

My kids grew up watching the Rugrats on Nickelodeon which is to say that I also watched them.  In fact, the hubs and I love the Rugrats.  In the second spinoff movie, Rugrats in Paris, Charlotte Pickles, highly successful career woman and mother to the precocious, oldest child of the gang Angelica, says to her husband Drew, "I can't mother and merger at the same time Drew!"

I freaking LOVE that line.  I love that line because it says to me that sometimes I need to just let go of stuff and stop trying to "mother and merger" at the same time.  That even though things may not go my way, they will still go.  That I don't have to control everything.  And that bad things won't happen if I can't control the outcome of every freaking moment of my family's lives.

And so I try to take Charlotte's advice and step back and let others take control OR, more importantly, realize that some things just cannot be controlled by me.  Some things are actually out of my control!  The only problem with this is that as soon as I step back, fear and anxiety sneak in and bite me on the ass. 

I am an anxious person.  I think I've always been this way and I believe it comes from growing up in a home that was out of control.  It left me feeling that, unless I could control it, something was bound to go wrong.  The hubs says I'm always waiting for the other shoe to fall because, in my head, things can't possibly be this good.  Something will have to come along and fuck it all up.  As a result, that shoe constantly hangs precariously over my head, and I end up sleeping with one eye open to ensure that it doesn't fall...square on top of my head.  (I'll bet it's some cheap Louboutin knock-off too.)

These fears and anxieties are built on sand.  They have no foundation.  In fact, they are figments of my imagination.  But, if I'm not careful, they will take over my thoughts and mess with my head until I'm a quivering mass of depression and stress.  They make me weak and superstitious and I hate both of those things. 

For example, the hubs is a heart patient.  His entire family passed away, at very young ages, of heart related illnesses.  He had his first heart attack at age 45.  About 8 years ago he had quadruple bypass surgery.  I can't control any of that which makes me a crazy woman.  What I can control is how much I nag him about seeing the doctor, eating right and getting at least some exercise from time.  It drives him a little nuts but I don't care...he's a man...if I left it up to him he'd never see a doctor.  Since I can't imagine living without him - this is not an option.  So last week, I waited until I couldn't stand the feelings anymore, and, seemingly out of the blue,  I texted him from work and asked him to make an appointment with the cardiologist for a check up and a stress test. 

Thank God that after 30 years he no longer asks questions.  He has an appointment for Monday.  But for me to really feel better, I'd have to crack open his chest and inspect his heart myself.  Uh...yeah.

My boys have an outing planned today.  It's the first one that they will do entirely on their own.  Getting to this outing will require a trip up the interstate.  They are good drivers and their car is new.  So naturally last night I began thinking about all that might happen.  This morning I'm checking weather reports and pushing away images of mangled cars and bodies on the highway.  I'm praying for God to watch over them and keep them safe and bring them home to me (well...that's not really fair since I pray that every morning).  And part of me fears that putting this in writing out in the Universe will somehow make this all come to pass.

I know - it's crazy and superstitious and unfounded.

And it's me.

For me to feel better in this scenario, I'd need to get in the car and drive three practically grown men to their outing, wait for them, and drive them all home.  Believe me when I say that I'd be more likely to be able to perform open heart surgery on my husband than it would be for THIS to happen.  But it sure would make me feel better.

I wish I could really figure out why my brain works the way it does and vanquish whatever demons create these crazy thoughts.  I wish I could put my faith in God and the Universe that everything will be alright and, if it isn't, it's not always my fault.

I wish I could trust.

Namaste