Okay...so I'm not a fan of Halloween. But when the kids were little I was a kick ass Halloween mom. Our house was decorated, pumpkins were carved elaborately, spooky music played through speakers to the outside and a scary witch, vampire, zombie always answered the door (but not TOO scary - I love the little ones in their costumes and wouldn't want to scare them). But no clowns...never clowns {shudder}.
But as I wrote here, I was happy this year to not have to do any of that. I could finally just relax, hand out a little candy and be free!
Not.
The hubs had to go pick up our oldest from school during prime trick-or-treat time so I ended up handing out all of the candy. I'll admit I didn't hate it (I never did). It didn't suck. What it did was trigger me.
Wait...what?
Yeah - not big time and not in a let-me-get-in-the-car-and-buy-a-bottle-or-three-of-wine-and-get-hammered kind of way...but definitely in a nostalgic kind of way.
I have crazy neighbors. Crazy good. Crazy fun. One of my neighbors is kind of the neighborhood organizer. She's amazing. She bakes wedding cakes, she sews, she cooks. She's the Martha Stewart of South Carolina. She's beautiful inside and out and has a lilting Tennessee accent to boot. (Yes, I've tried to hate her but it's really not possible.)
On Halloween her family dressed up like the Flintstones - Fred, Wilma, Pebbles and Dino (the dog even had to wear a costume). She had all the neighbors with little ones over to her house for chili and beer (or wine) before they took the kids trick or treating, and then back to her house for dessert. Of course I was not invited since my kids are grown ass adults and that didn't bother me a bit.
My trigger came when they came to my door and I stopped to chat with her for awhile. I complimented her costume and watched while she sipped wine while we spoke. I wasn't triggered for a drink so much (although that was part of it) as I was triggered by nostalgia. I wanted to go back to a time when my boys were little and dressing up and trick or treating.
Wait...what? Didn't you say you HATED Halloween?
Well...yeah...but...
I miss when they were little. I miss my little ninjas and Power Rangers and Pumpkins and Vampires. I miss kids jacked up on sugar only to crash later and have a serious meltdown. I miss my ONE glass of wine when it was all over. I miss the camaraderie with the neighbors as we all ushered our kids around in a group.
I think I just miss that time in my life.
So really, it's not about the wine although that was certainly part of it, so much as it's about the time. The time in my life when little boy arms still reached for me, sugar crashes made me want to jump off a building and one glass of wine was more than enough. Time passing...too quickly.
Dear Time...slow the fuck down would ya? I'm having a hard time keeping up.
Namaste
Daughter-of-Furtheron is 18 in a couple of weeks. So Mrs F was looking out photos - any did I feel old!! little toddlers, birthday parties, holidays on the beach etc. She even found one of herself with me in 1982!!
ReplyDeleteI just read this awesome novel called 'Daughters in Law' by Joanna Trollope, a lovely easy-to-read story about a mother who raised 3 sons and her needing to learn how to let go and find a new life force that wasn't nurturing and raising and being heavily involved in her kids lives. Recommended! It's going to be so hard but I'm determined to prepare myself and think of it as a time to be free to do what I want - because so much right now is what they (my sons) want and need.. anyway my friend .. sending love xxxx
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you are with this. Yeah, I get the occasional thought or memory of days of yore, where things were perhaps a touch simpler or still fun...where booze wasn't a beast in my life...where alcohol was merely a backdrop and not the focus. And, like you, it wasn't about the booze, but of the time itself.
ReplyDeleteI can recognize those times now for what they are - simple nostalgia. But what I used to run on in my later boozy times was the fixed idea that I could still drink like I did back then - with impunity and unaffected. That little window of fun was something I tried to hit every time I drank, and I missed the mark every time. But boy did I try.
I have my wee ones...it's gonna be a while before they get matching tattoos...lol. But I am sure it will still fly by :)
Blessings,
Paul
You have no idea how fast it goes. This post was perfect, I feel the exact same way but I'm wayyyy ahead of you all. I now have three little granddaughters, only one old enough to be a princess for Halloween. This is the first Halloween inYears that I didn't turn off the lights early so I could sit on my couch and have wine,wine,wine. I wasted so much time. You guys are smart to be sober now. I was a sorta "normie" and then my kids went off to college. No more sneaking, hiding, no kids to be accountable for or to and then I spiraled down. Now I have a chance again with my grandchildren to be the best I can be again. Second chances are a blessing.
ReplyDeleteSharon...that was a catalyst for me getting sober. All I could think was, "If I'm this bad NOW, what the hell will happen when they are all gone, I'm depressed and no longer accountable?" Scared the shit out of me. All I could see was my dad.
DeleteI guess it scared me straight...thank God.
Thanks for commenting.
Sherry
Sherry, So nice to meet another over 50 woman with grown children. I loved your post as it really hits home. I am on my second Day One. Look forward to your posts.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, here is another over 60 (just) chiming in. Since our kids are grown and living out-of-state, my husband and I would sit on the driveway each halloween and wait for the kiddos. He with his beer and I with my wine (in a colored plastic cup of course). This is my first sober Halloween and it was lovely. Stayed indoors, and opened the door to surprises of witches and goblins. Much more fun! Stay with us csmissy!
ReplyDeleteHi Sherry! I love your post and have been reading them from time to time and keeping up with you. Jenny G.
ReplyDelete