I'm Okay; You're Okay

I knew when the "holiday season" took off that I'd be doing another Whole 30 to jump start 2014.  I felt sooooo good at the end of the last one and I've remained cognizant of everything I put in my mouth since then.  There's nothing new there really, I've always been hyper aware of what I ate because I was counting every freaking calorie and exercising my butt off.

Okay let's be honest - you can replace "hyper aware" with obsessive.  I mean that's what it was.  I was completely obsessive.  But I've spent the last year or so really examining what this kind of thinking has done to me and how I can approach myself in a kinder way.  How I can come to a place of acceptance for who I am, exactly as I am.  That's been a huge part of my recovery.  After I took away the booze and stripped my soul bare (which is EXACTLY what it felt like) I had no choice but to look closely at who I was and why I did the things I did.  More importantly, I had to figure out how to keep the good stuff and ditch the crap.

I've made a great deal of progress with all of this stuff but I continued to struggle with the whole calories, sugar, food, scale, weight, clothing size, etc. and I got tired people...so tired, but I couldn't figure out how to break that freaking cycle.  I'd get a little ways toward something only to fall back into old habits at the first speed bump along the way.  Situation normal...all fucked up.

But then I found the Whole 30.  I can't remember where I saw it first but I know it was on one of the blogs I read daily.  One of you beautiful, wonderful souls (byebyebeer?  runningonsober?  karen?) talked about it and planted a seed and it grew.  And I did it.  And I felt FANTASTIC.

And I broke the cycle.

I stopped obsessing about how I looked and started caring about what I was putting into my body and what it was doing to the inside rather than the outside.  I started paying attention to how I felt rather than how I looked.

Un-fucking-believable.

So I'm actually anxious to detox from a wonderful holiday season.  Because let's be clear, I don't regret one single thing I ate. I enjoyed myself.  I loved cooking for my family and baking the "once a year" treats.  I loved not worrying about my diet because I knew that it was only temporary.  It was a treat.  And that's OKAY.

And now I'm ready to get right back on that Whole 30 horse.  Tomorrow morning I'll be
practicing clean eating once again (this time no cheats...maybe...we'll see) for 30 days.  After 30 days I'll continue by adding things back slowly, if necessary, and avoiding sugar as much as possible.  And get this...I'm EXCITED.  (Who the hell am I?)

As far as exercise for the new year...I've had to come to terms with some things.  I've been trying my best to learn to run but I've been thwarted by a bum knee as a result of extra weight and 20 years of high impact aerobics.  Both my Athletic Trainer son and my doctor have told me not to even think about running (on pavement which rules out my daydreams of half-marathons and triathlons).  Elliptical, walking, yoga and strength training are okay as long as I modify things like squats and lunges.  The damage is done.  My knee is old which makes me feel old but I'm not going to let it get me down.  I love to walk (I mean love to walk) so that's what I'll do.  I'm still wearing my FitBit and logging about 7,000 steps a day which I'll bump to 10,000 as soon as possible.  Add to that the yoga, some Advil and an ice pack and I'll be okay.  

I've also made a pact that I intend to keep no matter what.  I got on the scale on 1/1/14.  I recorded that number.  I do not plan to step on that motherfucker again until 12/31/14.  Breaking. The. Cycle.

This is going to be an okay year.  I've come so far in my recovery (next week I'll be four years sober) and I've made great progress in understanding who I am and what I want.  I'm also beginning to understand that I am okay and that, no matter what happens this year, I will continue to be okay as long as I stay connected to what's important in life.  Things like God, family, friends, truth, love, kindness...and our dogs.  Everything else is secondary.  As long as I maintain an open heart...it will all be okay.  It may not always be great, or fantastic or wonderful but it will also not always be shitty or hard or ugly.  It is what it is and that's all that it is and that is OKAY.

Jeez...I'm rambling...guess I'm a little out of practice since my hiatus.

Namaste