What's it all about Sherry?

Yesterday I posted about my lack of craving and my desire to enjoy my evening with my family - present and sober.  My evening was just as I had imagined, relaxing and easy.  In fact, I spent a good part of the evening reading and commenting on blogs. 

So, as often happens to me, my brain started working overtime as I was driving to work this morning thinking about some of the comments I made last night and why I write this blog.  It triggered a memory of a comment my oldest son made this weekend about my drinking. 

Oldest Child, "Just you know, I could never tell when you were drinking.  It's probably because my eyesight is so poor that I couldn't really see your eyes from a reasonable distance, but really, I couldn't tell."

Me...crickets accompanied by a blank stare.

Oldest Child, "I just didn't want you to think you were THAT bad."

And here's where it gets stupid.  All of you alcoholics out there know where this is going.  My besotted, shriveled up brain thought...

MAYBE I'M NOT THAT BAD! 

Really????  No really, REALLY????  Are you fucking kidding me?  After all this time?

The thought only lasted an instant before my sane brain took over and thought, "Of course you're THAT bad you ninny!  In fact, you're worse!" 

But it was too late - I had peeped into the darkness once more and affirmed what I've always known.  The darkness is there...always.  And the demon lives and lies in wait in that darkness.  It's my job to stay in the light.

Which of course I did.

This morning when I thought of this conversation, my first reaction was - I need to write about this.  I need to put "pen" to "paper" (fingers to keyboard) and write this shit down so I can process through it.  Thank God I found this outlet!  Thank God for blogs and the blogosphere! 

Which brought me back to why I'm still writing this blog and why I've gotten so wrapped up in the stats and worried about commenting, answering comments, counting comments, etc.  I mean again, really?!  This is not what it was supposed to be about!

Then what is it all about Sherry?

It's about this...

I LOVE this blogging community.  I have a list of blogs a mile long that I read EVERY DAY.  I keep up with you all.  I cry for you.  I root for you.  I support you and I feel supported in the process.  THAT's what it should be about.  Writing down my own thoughts and struggles and hoping, maybe, it touches and helps someone else.  Commenting when I actually have something to say and not just to be heard - ugh...I hate it when I do that.  Reading the heartfelt and welcome comments when someone is moved enough to comment on my blog.

But most importantly, this blog is so that I can stay out of the darkness and avoid the demon.  It's also so I can dissect my past and all the crap that got me where I am today.  It's about celebrating successes, acknowledging accomplishments, bragging on my kids, reaching out for help.

Essentially, this blog is my brain in Blogger format.

So if you don't see me commenting very much, it doesn't mean I'm not following and that I don't care, it's just that someone else has likely already said what I wanted to say.  I am also not going to check my stats anymore either - they really don't matter.  The fact is that I'm not getting paid to do this.  I'm not curing cancer.  The world will keep on turning if I have 1 follower or 101.

There - I feel better now.  And at the end of the day, that's really what this is all about.

Namaste

“And it occurred to me that there is no such thing as blogging. There is no such thing as a blogger. Blogging is just writing — writing using a particularly efficient type of publishing technology.”

~Simon Dumenco

Closed Doors and Open Windows

Back in February, I posted about a possible job opportunity that I had heard about and wanted to pursue.  I prayed, on my knees, in my office for God to make this wish come true.  I prayed for patience because I knew it would be a long time before it would or could come to pass.  I prayed for His will to be done.

Since then, I've had my eye on the job but didn't really focus too much on it for fear I would jinx any possibility of getting it, and I didn't want to get my hopes up too high because losing this would REALLY disappoint me...actually it would devastate me at this point.

I've applied for many, many, many more jobs since then.  I've interviewed for many, many, many more jobs since then.  Most of them I've ended up as one of the top two or three being considered...and I've been passed over every damn time.  It's been a huge blow to my confidence and my ego now lies in a bloody mass at the bottom of my consciousness begging me to please stop the madness.

And still I pray, every day, for God's will, not mine, to be done. 

When I started saying that prayer I was only paying it lip service because, in case you haven't picked up on it, I may have a teensy bit of a problem with letting go of things.  So I prayed because, as they say in AA, fake it till you make it.  I have to admit that it's become easier and easier to breathe and let go of things.

I also have been praying for God to help me be a better woman now that I'm in recovery and have my head screwed back on straight.  Maybe all those rejections, bitter disappointments, mistakes and missteps were just stepping stones on that path.  I mean, I have experienced a lot of feelings over the last three years that I would never have let myself experience before recovery.  Things like fear, rejection, failure, disappointment, anxiety and sadness were stuffed down and coped with through outside measures.  Take away those outside measures and you have only yourself and your God on which to rely.

Now it looks like maybe this job will come through and that I'll be doing something I really, really like and at which I am really, really good.  It's not a role that I've ever done before but I'm a good fit and I have the opportunity to make it what I want.

So it hit me this morning that this may, in fact, BE what God wants for me.  Maybe all those rejections were God's way of shutting doors so that I wouldn't walk through them.  Maybe that open window has been in the room the whole time but I had to turn around and look for it to see it.  Maybe this is His way of helping me be a better woman.

Anyway, I'm trying to stop staring at all those closed doors and wondering why me.  I'm trying to remember to turn away from the closed doors and look for the open windows.  And I'm trying to go through those open windows and come out on the other side not only victorious but a better person.

Progress not perfection.