Feeling a little unsettled today. I'm used to this feeling...I get it all the time. Before I got sober this feeling would be the start of a bad day which meant I was justified in drinking all evening. I would focus on that unsettled feeling and find anything I could to "name" it (work was stressful, I was cut off in traffic, etc.) and then dwell on it to the point I would walk in the door and the look on my face illicited a, "What's wrong?" from my husband. Nothing was wrong of course...it was just my subconscious way of getting to the booze without the guilt.
Then, after I got sober (but before I began to recover), I would just "white knuckle" days like this waiting for the other shoe to fall and for the world to collapse around me. This feeling must be a premonition of bad things coming right? Bad things always happen to me to ruin my good time right? So this must mean bad is coming my way. The evenings were spent deep in thought and contemplation of how awful I was and how things were never going to get better but oh I'm so glad I'm sober (which I was...that has never changed).
Now I'm seeing things a little differently. Now I sit and think about the feeling (well okay today I was driving to work but you get the idea). What, exactly, is going on that is making my stomach all wiggly and what, exactly, is the emotion that is fueling it?
Today's wiggly has been brought to you by the letter A...as in anxiety.
I'm anxious. I don't think I've ever really thought about feeling that way before but that's exactly what I'm feeling. So the next logical question is why? And I found the answer by just taking a little time and thinking about it. I'm anxious because there are things happening in my life that are out of my control and it's making me uncomfortable. As soon as I was able to name it, the wiggly feeling began to ease.
And why did it start to ease do you ask? (Okay I asked but it's a blog so work with me here.) Because I'm letting go of things that are out of my control. The post I did the other day about letting go wasn't just lip service (or keyboard service in this case), I really meant it and I've really been working on doing it. And it's working.
I'm starting to think about the emotions I have and how I choose to react to them. Is this something I can control? Where is the need to control it coming from? Will I help someone by acting or is this just about me...again? Is this one of those times I should just step the hell back and let God take care of it?
And what is happening to me as a result is a miracle, a wonderous and beautiful miracle.
I am beginning to find peace.
Who knew?
The big Guy knew! Peace emerging is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I feel anxiety, I close my eyes, breath deeply, and open and close my hands a few times. It gives me the illusion that I'm actually letting go of something. There's so little we have control of but it's our nature to want to control everything. I saw a sign once that said: "Hello, this is God. I will be driving today and I would appreciate you staying out of my way". How true that is! It's progress baby, not perfection and you are doing just fine.....
ReplyDeleteHey you! So glad to see your post today!
DeleteThank you for the kind words. I think it was you who told me to literally fling my arms out and physically let it go in the beginning when I was really struggling with the concept. Well it's working and it feels dang good.
Awesome. I love your blog. I've done the same thing when I sit and think 'ok what's going on here that I"m feeling low' and sometimes I can pinpoint it and sometimes I can't but in both cases I know that if I just wait it out patiently and move forward being kind to myself and those around me then it will pass. It's such a lovely way to live I think. It's more gentle and thoughtful and I like that. (I always know when I'm in a slightly gritty stage because I start burning my lavender oils on the kitchen windowsill, what a hippy!). Thanks for this it's just lovely xxxx
ReplyDeleteI love how you work through your anxiety and figure out it origin. I still find myself getting wrapped around the axle sometimes and not taking it easy and figuring it out. Definitely need to work more in this area!
ReplyDeleteXO
It is love to dare listening to oneself, to acknowledge feelings and take care of them. Not running away or making any excuses is courage and I find it to be so darn wonderful to read how you care for yourself and are finding peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! *hugs*
Beautiful writing, I left another comment through other means, but I'm not sure about this whole blog thing lol. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, especially the last bit where you start questioning yourself. Those are the questions I need to ask myself, and they are the hard one's. Especially the question of helping people through action, or is it about me again? That was powerful.
ReplyDeleteGetting of my self pity pillow can be the hardest thing in the world sometimes. Guess that's when I call in my Higher Power. Anyways, thank you so much. Great insight, and I look forward to following your blogs :)