Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Feeling a little unsettled today. I'm used to this feeling...I get it all the time. Before I got sober this feeling would be the start of a bad day which meant I was justified in drinking all evening. I would focus on that unsettled feeling and find anything I could to "name" it (work was stressful, I was cut off in traffic, etc.) and then dwell on it to the point I would walk in the door and the look on my face illicited a, "What's wrong?" from my husband. Nothing was wrong of course...it was just my subconscious way of getting to the booze without the guilt.
Then, after I got sober (but before I began to recover), I would just "white knuckle" days like this waiting for the other shoe to fall and for the world to collapse around me. This feeling must be a premonition of bad things coming right? Bad things always happen to me to ruin my good time right? So this must mean bad is coming my way. The evenings were spent deep in thought and contemplation of how awful I was and how things were never going to get better but oh I'm so glad I'm sober (which I was...that has never changed).
Now I'm seeing things a little differently. Now I sit and think about the feeling (well okay today I was driving to work but you get the idea). What, exactly, is going on that is making my stomach all wiggly and what, exactly, is the emotion that is fueling it?
Today's wiggly has been brought to you by the letter A...as in anxiety.
I'm anxious. I don't think I've ever really thought about feeling that way before but that's exactly what I'm feeling. So the next logical question is why? And I found the answer by just taking a little time and thinking about it. I'm anxious because there are things happening in my life that are out of my control and it's making me uncomfortable. As soon as I was able to name it, the wiggly feeling began to ease.
And why did it start to ease do you ask? (Okay I asked but it's a blog so work with me here.) Because I'm letting go of things that are out of my control. The post I did the other day about letting go wasn't just lip service (or keyboard service in this case), I really meant it and I've really been working on doing it. And it's working.
I'm starting to think about the emotions I have and how I choose to react to them. Is this something I can control? Where is the need to control it coming from? Will I help someone by acting or is this just about me...again? Is this one of those times I should just step the hell back and let God take care of it?
And what is happening to me as a result is a miracle, a wonderous and beautiful miracle.
I am beginning to find peace.