I have tried at least three times over the last couple of days to write this post and every time it comes out wrong so I've deleted and stepped away. I'm back again and this time I'm just going to write what's in my heart so if you're not a fan of rambling, making no sense blog posts...you might want to sign off now and come back when I'm more coherent.
I was looking back over my post on frustration as well as some other recent posts and I realized that I'm carrying around a lot of fear. Believe me, this isn't exactly "news" to me - I've spent my life reacting to and dealing with fear, but I thought I was moving through it.
I think I was wrong.
While I'm getting better at uncovering (and liking) who I am and who God wanted me to be, I'm still afraid and until I learn how to deal with that I'm going to stay stuck. Stuck in this place of uncertainty and insecurity where I worry about things over which I have no control and live my life bobbing and weaving to avoid that of which I am afraid. I'm fairly certain that is why God put the word Faith in my head when I was looking for my 2013 word..even He knows I need to learn to move through the fear and enter a place of faith, of trust, of love.
So what am I afraid of (besides ending this sentence in a preposition...I HATE that). Lord have mercy...it feels like I'm afraid of EVERYTHING here lately. I'm afraid of losing my husband too soon to heart disease, I'm afraid he'll stop loving me one day, I'm afraid of something happening to one of my kids, grand kids, or friends. I'm afraid that people will judge me because I'm old, or fat, or whatever. I'm afraid of not being successful at work and of wasting my talent. I'm afraid of settling and calling it contentment (actually I'm afraid I won't know the difference). I'm afraid of becoming an old, judgemental, cranky woman. Sigh...
It wasn't always this way. When I was young I was COCKY. I had the world by the ass and I knew it. Of course it was bravado covering a lot of insecurity but it sure felt better than fear.
After I had kids I felt real confidence for the first time in my life. My faith and trust in God was never stronger, I felt His light and love right down to my toes.
Then everything went to shit. Bad stuff starting happening around me and I coped by drinking...not a good combination.
So I quit drinking, started recovering, forgave a lot of old and moldy crud that had been living in my brain and have stripped my soul bare. What I'm left with is all of the old insecurity and a lot of fear. I know it's mostly a fear of the unknown but what I've lost is the faith and trust.
Faith and trust that I can only live one day at a time and if I do my best with a loving heart than I can't do it wrong. Faith and trust that I know how to do my best with a loving heart.
Faith and trust that God has my back and whatever He's got in store for me will be what it will be.
Faith and trust that I don't have control and that shit happens. It's how we react to the shit that matters. And that it's really none of my business what other people think of me and that usually it's about them and not me at all.
So here's the $364,000 question..how the hell do I get it back?
Namaste
F.E.A.R. Ugh. I also suffer from fear of success and fear of failure, in varying degrees. I think the difference between the fear that stops us dead in our tracks, and the fear that just slows us down once we're moving in the right direction, is this: time. (T.I.M.E.= This I Must Earn)really, after awhile and many many meetings and prayers, and seeking the God of our understanding. A. LOT., the fear recedes. I'm glad you shared that. I need to remember that it's not just me. : )
ReplyDeleteI went about my life until my mid-twenties believing that if I did what God wanted me to do, that my life would be good, that I'd be protected, I'd be spared. And then it all fell apart. My mother died suddenly, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece and nephew were killed in a fire, and, if you can imagine, something even worse happened, all in the space of a year. All my belief and faith flew out the window and I slammed the damn thing shut. There was no reason to be the good girl anymore, WTF, so I drank and drank and drank.
ReplyDeleteI've finally opened that window back up, thrown it open all the way and my faith was waiting on the sill, ready to fly back in.
But, I still wait for the other shoe to drop, for that wrecking ball to take another swipe at me.
Bad things happen to us good people, it's human nature to fear that, most the time that fear is a very good protective instinct. But sometimes shit is still going to happen and all we can do is lay it in God's hands and let him carry us through to the other side.
That's what I was telling myself when I was tossing and turning last night anyway.
Wow, how can I top what Kary said above. Except that I think being raw and sober all the time does lead us to fear more because we have chosen to never ever blur the boundaries of reality. Fear probably is a part of life, as we exist under the shadow of knowing that death will come to all of us one day. Living fully and openly and lovingly despite that knowledge is our challenge and so we must. Your honesty here is so powerful, thanks my friend xxx
ReplyDeleteWow! How did you climb in my head? I know of what you speak and wish I had the answers we both need. Thanks for joining my site. Welcome.
ReplyDeleteGoodness knows! Sorry that isn't helpful is it. I have periods that come and go of intense anxiety - I often am worrying because of me not doing something - in which case why don't I do it? 'cos I'm worried that'll be the wrong thing and I'll make a mess - that I'll fail... so I do nothing and that means that I then fail anyway... a circle tricky to break.
ReplyDeleteI have then to look at all the times before in my life and realise at no point has any of them been that bad. I've never lost a job through incompetence (yet!!), I've been married over 25 years, I've a son in his 20s and a daughter of 17 who both still want to be around me and enjoy time with me, I've never been left with nowhere to sleep or without warmth and food etc. So really why am I worrying? It takes a lot of work though to get through all the nonsense to see the real sense in my life's history.
Long way to say - my experience is that this is hard work and ongoing work not a quick fix revelation type cure. On thing I do know however is that when I was drinking I continually made these things worse by not dealing with them or lying my way out of situations etc.
This is why I put my shit out here the way I do. You all have made me feel infinitely better if only because I know that I'm not crazy and, most importantly, not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you.
Namaste
Me too, me too. I second this a thousand times.
DeleteWe sure do seem to have a lot of the same issues my friend. It was amazing to come online and read through this post; over the weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about fear, and how much it has controlled my life. I have decided that my main goal in 2013 is to banish fear from my life. To stop letting it control me. I am memorizing Psalms 34:4 to help me when I catch myself letting fear make my decisions and determine how I feel.
ReplyDelete"I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears"
How do I find God? I know I haven't made much of an effort lately. I need to find strength in Him but feel like I can't see Him.
ReplyDeleteI'm starting over ...today is Day 2. How long can I go without the love of my life? Can God help me recover? Where is He? Where do I start searching guys?
Just pray...even if you don't feel it, don't believe it, don't "get" it. He stills hears you. One day you'll realize He's taken up residence again.
DeleteI would say cry out to him. Seek him through prayer. My prayer is not an organized thing, but more like a child talking to a parent; seeking guidance and comfort. Open up the bible and start reading. You can chose what to read at random, or look up scripture that addresses what is going on in your life. I tend to do a mixture of both just depending on my mood. Finding a place of worship can really help as well. I get a lot of guidance and comfort
ReplyDeletefrom my pastor and other Christians.