I have tried at least three times over the last couple of days to write this post and every time it comes out wrong so I've deleted and stepped away. I'm back again and this time I'm just going to write what's in my heart so if you're not a fan of rambling, making no sense blog posts...you might want to sign off now and come back when I'm more coherent.
I was looking back over my post on frustration as well as some other recent posts and I realized that I'm carrying around a lot of fear. Believe me, this isn't exactly "news" to me - I've spent my life reacting to and dealing with fear, but I thought I was moving through it.
I think I was wrong.
While I'm getting better at uncovering (and liking) who I am and who God wanted me to be, I'm still afraid and until I learn how to deal with that I'm going to stay stuck. Stuck in this place of uncertainty and insecurity where I worry about things over which I have no control and live my life bobbing and weaving to avoid that of which I am afraid. I'm fairly certain that is why God put the word Faith in my head when I was looking for my 2013 word..even He knows I need to learn to move through the fear and enter a place of faith, of trust, of love.
So what am I afraid of (besides ending this sentence in a preposition...I HATE that). Lord have mercy...it feels like I'm afraid of EVERYTHING here lately. I'm afraid of losing my husband too soon to heart disease, I'm afraid he'll stop loving me one day, I'm afraid of something happening to one of my kids, grand kids, or friends. I'm afraid that people will judge me because I'm old, or fat, or whatever. I'm afraid of not being successful at work and of wasting my talent. I'm afraid of settling and calling it contentment (actually I'm afraid I won't know the difference). I'm afraid of becoming an old, judgemental, cranky woman. Sigh...
It wasn't always this way. When I was young I was COCKY. I had the world by the ass and I knew it. Of course it was bravado covering a lot of insecurity but it sure felt better than fear.
After I had kids I felt real confidence for the first time in my life. My faith and trust in God was never stronger, I felt His light and love right down to my toes.
Then everything went to shit. Bad stuff starting happening around me and I coped by drinking...not a good combination.
So I quit drinking, started recovering, forgave a lot of old and moldy crud that had been living in my brain and have stripped my soul bare. What I'm left with is all of the old insecurity and a lot of fear. I know it's mostly a fear of the unknown but what I've lost is the faith and trust.
Faith and trust that I can only live one day at a time and if I do my best with a loving heart than I can't do it wrong. Faith and trust that I know how to do my best with a loving heart.
Faith and trust that God has my back and whatever He's got in store for me will be what it will be.
Faith and trust that I don't have control and that shit happens. It's how we react to the shit that matters. And that it's really none of my business what other people think of me and that usually it's about them and not me at all.
So here's the $364,000 question..how the hell do I get it back?