I've posted about this many times before so if you're bored...feel free to sign off now. I won't get my feelings hurt...much.
I've been in a really ugly place when it comes to my relationship with my weight and sugar (any kind of carb actually). The peace of mind I found after I quit drinking has been steadily going away for the last year or so and I didn't understand why. Yes, I fucked around with my medication and that put me in a bad place but I'm out of that now and still, I can't seem to shut up that bitch that lives in my head. She yammers on and on and on and no amount of meditation or yoga will make her be quiet. Do you know why?
Because it's not the bitch that's yammering on and on, it's that motherfucking beast that also rents space in my head. Addiction.
It's no secret that after we get sober we crave sweets - it's physiological. We've eliminated a huge carb part of our diet and our bodies and brains are left craving the substance we've removed. For me, it was a helluva lot safer for me to stuff my face with M&M's than to open a bottle or three of wine. BUT - I've only succeeded in trading one addiction for another and that's what's been going on in my head. That stupid fucking beast that starts as soon as my feet hit the floor and continues all freaking day.
Upon opening my eyes, "I am not going to eat poorly today. No sugar. No chocolate. No cookies. No cake. Today starts my journey to a healthier me." Sound familiar?
Breakfast selection - Bagel or english muffin or greek yogurt with blueberries and honey or oatmeal (instant). Breakfast result? Fed the beast...he quiets down. (Interesting that I think of my beast as male and the bitch that lives in my head as female. Good Lord if they ever mate I'll be in a world of trouble....oh well, that's another post entirely.)
Lunch - Usually a salad but I'm left craving bread to go with it. Sometime I indulge, sometimes not. If not, I'm down at the little store in our building buying sugar by 3:00 pm. If I have eaten bread for lunch, I can usually make it home before he starts up again.
Walk in the door after work - search frantically for something sweet. Sometimes I can stop myself and get a grip, sometimes not.
Dinner - ALWAYS has some kind of carb component. It might be a better carb like whole wheat pasta or brown rice, but more often it's either potatoes, white pasta or white rice. The good news is we always have a protein and a green vegetable. More often than not I skip the carb and eat the meat and green vegetable. But I always want bread to go with it.
After dinner - This is my weakest moment. I'm tired and that damn beast is STRONG because I've been feeding him all goddamed day (little g). I have little resistance as I go for the chocolate chips or cookies or whatever is in the house that I can get my hands on.
And now that I'm really paying attention guess what? It feels just like it did when I was drinking. That all consuming feeling that if I have to, I'll get in the car and go get some chocolate. I've asked the kids to go get it for me. I've asked the hubs (after all, I've already taken off my makeup and I'm wearing my comfy bra...I can't go out in public without MAKEUP - some things are non-negotiable). I've even made a batch of brownies (for the kids of course) just to get my fix.
I can't live with this voice in my head chattering on and on about how I deserve the chocolate and how I'll start to eat healthy tomorrow or next week or next month or after the holidays or WHATEVER! I can't live like that again. I've battled that fucking beast before and I'll do it again.
And guess what else? I'm not even sad about this one. So what if I can't eat chocolate? I thought I couldn't live without chardonnay and not only am I doing it, I'm happier than I've ever been! So what if sugar and chocolate are everywhere? Alcohol is everywhere too! Normies are everywhere and some of them are my best friends and I watch them drink while I drink diet coke (which I am also supposed to give up...um...we'll see how that goes) and it no longer bothers me.
I read a really good ebook this weekend that I was going to quote for this post but since it's expired and I don't know why (note to self - check this out) that really explained this addiction issue and helped me to understand that I'm not weak, it's not that I lack willpower, it's just that I'm an addict. In fact, it looks like the sugar addiction was hardwired in my DNA and that those who are wired this way are more likely than anyone else to become addicted to drugs and alcohol (and also suffer from anxiety and depression). By eating sugar as kids and young adults, we build a tolerance to the happy hormones eating it releases and we look farther and wider for our next fix. This next fix is generally a more adult selection - drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, gambling, shopping, etc.
And, according to the author, like drug and alcohol addiction, there is no cure and really, moderation is not possible. We have to either abstain, or deal with that fucking beast yammering on and on and on till the end of days.
So I'm going to test the hell out of her theory. For 30 days, I'm abstaining from as many forms of carbohydrates (artificial, refined, natural, candy, cakes, pasta, bread, etc.) as possible and am going to pay very close attention to what's going on in my psyche. I know that for at least the first two he's going to be raging like the damn fool beast that he is but that, in and of itself should be a sign to me right? I mean, normies don't have beasts living in their head SCREAMING at them to eat a piece of bread do they? Nope, they eat in response to their bodies telling them that they are hungry - not to their heads telling them. Ding, ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!!!!
But, if it's like my other addictions (nicotine and alcohol), over time the beast should begin to wither and eventually, sleep. I know it never dies...it just sleeps.
And it doesn't even snore so I should, finally, be able to find that peace of mind that I seem to have misplaced.