Bumps in the Road

I have a feeling this blog may become ALL about clean eating for the next six weeks or so so if you're bored by all of this, you might want to go ahead and click the little x in the upper right hand corner...now.

I have some observations to share and a confession of sorts..since we're being brutally honest and everything and...well...it's how I roll.  Plus, how the hell can we learn anything from each other if we don't share...warts and all?

My friend had a cookout yesterday and asked me to bring something sweet.  Yes...you read that right and yes, she knows about my Whole 30.  She did give me an out by saying, "I'll totally understand if you don't want to do it."  But me, being the people pleaser I am said, "Of course I'll bring something sweet!  It's fine!  No worries."  After all, I bring wine to parties all the time and don't have any problems at all.  Mistake #1.

Of course I've been sober 3 1/2 years and on the Whole 30 um...21 days.  Yeah.  AND I decided to make an pineapple angel food cake (which by the way was made from a box mix and a large can of crushed pineapple and topped with cool whip - I took a small taste of the batter - it was the worst thing I've ever tasted...so many chemicals and artificial crap...yuck) and then I did the dumbest thing ever..I made my uber chocolate brownies.  These brownies are frosted and topped with milk chocolate chips that are all added while the brownies are warm so it's all melty and shit.  Mistake #2.

I am such a dumb ass sometimes.

After my healthy and wonderful breakfast yesterday, I got very busy doing this and that and so I didn't sit down to a proper meal the rest of the day. Mistake #3.

I ate fruit for lunch and a piece of grilled chicken breast.  Then I ate one of the uber chocolate brownies. Mistake #4.

At the cookout I had one lettuce wrapped chicken taco - one because that's all there was that I could eat. She had lots of chips and dip (the guac was really good), they made homemade ice cream and mojitos.  I spent the evening playing with the only child present, who was a particularly precocious 4 year old, in the living room.  I actually had a great time in spite of the fact that I was starving and had developed a migraine-like headache.

By the time I got home I felt like I was getting sick.  I was flushed, congested and the headache refused to go away.  My "bum" knee was aching which I thought was weird because it really hasn't bothered me for a couple of weeks.  I ate a piece of chicken (I keep grilled chicken breasts (we grill them in bulk) on hand all the time) and some fruit and went to bed.

This morning I feel fantastic.  Yes...I can do the math.  Mistakes 1+2+3+4 = feeling like shit.  All of that from not enough calories AND ONE FUCKING BROWNIE.

I mean really?  I am not sick.  I feel great.  I'm not hungry yet this morning because I ate fairly late last evening but I have enough energy to do some yoga and get on with my day.  I am still gobsmacked by how that one brownie impacted my body.  The interesting thing is that it did not wake the beast!  I wasn't craving anything.  I just felt AWFUL.  Maybe it's like when you quit smoking.  If you try to go back that first drag on that cigarette leaves you woozy and wanting to puke.  Of course, after a while you get used to it and before you know it you're off to the races again.

Well I don't like the races.  So I won't be doing that again.  I can't say ever because I don't know about ever but I can say that it won't happy TODAY.  I can only worry about today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

And as for yesterday..that little bump in the road is in the past.  When the guilt and shame come calling I'm sending them to voice mail.  They has nothing to say to me now.

Namaste

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try." Mother Teresa

The Challenge in ON!

My breakfast this morning...yummy but the sausage was, meh.

Ladies and Gentlemen...we have a quorum!  The Whole 30 Challenge is on!

Here are our start dates:

• Sherry - September 18th 
• Annette - August 26th
• Carrie - August 29th
• Dawn - September 18th 
• Mrs. D - September 18th 
• Amy - September 18th 

If you're out there following along and just want to comment and ask questions from time to time then DO IT.  As I told Annette earlier this week, this doesn't belong to me, I'm just the secretary.  I just thought that together we'd have a better shot at getting this "science experiment" (as RoS calls it) done.

So here's a few things, caveats, and pearls that I discovered in this last week.

• I'm an alcoholic so I have the disease of MORE.  Nuts are out for me.  I don't know when to say when and they are loaded with fat (good fat but still) and calories.  I love them and the occasional small handful of them is fine but I can't rely on them as my go to snack.
• Since I am an addict, I have to be careful with "sweet" things lest they wake up the beast.  Thankfully, so far fruit has been very kind.  Fresh fruit has become my go to snack during the "witching hours" which are about 3:00 pm and then after dinner and on into the evening.  Have I mentioned (of course I have) that I don't really like fruit?  Well that ain't true anymore.  I LOVE it.
• The witching hour is lessening.  I noticed last night that about 9:30 I wanted a snack.  Just a snack. So I came down and put watermelon and freshly cut pineapple (it's REALLY easy to do and so much better than canned - "You Tube" it) into an ice cream bowl and took it upstairs where I was watching HGTV.  As I sat and ate I realized that I got the snack in response to hunger rather than entitlement or boredom.  Score one for clean eating!!!
• I can find something to eat anywhere.  During my dinner the other night at the fried food feast, I ordered fried chicken (white meat only, from which I peeled all breading and skin) a double order of collard greens and green beans.  I was full...even though I REALLY wanted that damn biscuit.
• My body is changing.  My clothes are fitting better.  I feel more comfortable in my skin (a little).  I'm really proud of what I'm doing.  
• The hubs called me his hero in a comment the other day.  Me?  His hero?  Wow...no really...wow.
• My regular diet is very low fat.  I'm having to get okay with bumping my fat intake up a little to compensate for the lack of sugar.  I'm trying to keep it to good fats - olives, olive oil etc.  But as a treat I ate a couple of link sausages this morning.  They were good...but I think I can do without them going forward.  It's was kind of..meh.  Plus I'm sure there was a fuckload of chemicals used to preserve them.  I'm trying to get the courage to read the label.

This has been a course in experimentation.  What do I like?  What does my body like or dislike?  Because I'm not getting on the scale, I'm forced to really listen to my body and figure out what it wants and what is best for it.  It's not, "Oh Lord the scale was up 3.6 ounces today...no breakfast for me!"  It's more like, "Hmmm, I'm not hungry yet.  Let me take some eggs and fruit for when my stomach tells me it's ready."

Wait.  What?

Tell me how you're doing.  What choices are you making?  How are you feeling?  Have you killed anyone?  What are you doing to prepare for this journey?  What's your body telling you?

My book came so I'll read it this week and report back on insights and learnings.  I'm excited and so happy to be doing this will all of you!  Let's kick some Whole 30 ass!

Namaste

"The common conception is that motivation leads to action, but the reverse is true -- action precedes motivation. You have to prime the pump and get the juice flowing, which motivates you to work on your goals. Getting momentum going is the most difficult part of the job, and often taking the first step is enough to prompt you to make the best of your day." ~Robert J. Mckain

Whole 30 Challenge

A comment on Annette's blog yesterday about starting this thing over for Dawn got me to thinking...what if we really do this together?  What if we copycat Belle and do a Whole 30 version of of her Team 100?  What if we leaned on each other and made this happen?

This. Just. Might. Work.

I've already decided to keep my Whole 30 (whole9life.com) going for another 30 days, and for my next 30 I'm going to ditch the Diet Soda (ugh) and the...gasp...International Coffee French Vanilla Creamer...cringe.  For me...that starts on September 18th.  (My current Whole 30 ends September 9th which gives me a week to regroup before I plunge in again.)  I've even ordered the book, "It Starts With Food" to devour before my next start date

SOOOOOO...if you guys want to join me, here's what I'm proposing we do.

• Go to Whole 30 and read as much as you can on the program.  Download the shopping list and check out some of the recipes and menus. 
• For those of you who have done Atkins or Paleo or South Beach...this is a version of that on heavy duty steroids. Take the next two 1/2 weeks to prepare and psyche yourself up.  Get excited!!!  Believe me when I say that this is a GOOD thing!  You will love yourself not because you're on a diet and may or may not lose weight, but because you're doing something good for that body (in the alcoholic's case) that you've been abusing for however many years!
• If you decide you want to join in, email me at sherryd32148@gmail.com (or respond in the comments) and I'll add your name to our list. 
• Give me your start date.  It can be today, the 18th (with me!) or a date in the past because you've already begun.
• In the email also include your name (first names, nicknames, made up names, or blog names are fine...no anoymous participants - you have to own this thing), your reason for joining and what you'd like to achieve at the end of 30 days.  Remember, this doesn't have to be a number, it can be anything. 
• Then, once a week (or twice or every day...I don't care), email me with your progress, questions or comments.  Tell me how your mood has been and what you've experienced since your last email.  Share the changes that are going on in your life, your body and your attitude.
• I'll update everyone once a week in a weekend blog entry.  (Depending on the response to this, I'll update more frequently if necessary - if you have a question then EVERYONE likely has the same question.  We'll research and learn together.)  This will keep us accountable (me included...diet soda gone...ugh) and will give everyone a place to share, bitch and celebrate.

Then you have to COMMIT.

• Put a sign on your fridge that says, "I can do ANYTHING for 30 days."
• Write on your bathroom mirror in lipstick or white board marker, "I am beautiful and I am WORTH these 30 days."
• Hide your scale and your tape measurers.  Weigh yourself and take measurements if you want on the very first day and then get someone to hide those motherfuckers where you will never find them.  Tell them that, no matter what, they are not to tell you where they hid them.  NO MATTER WHAT.  This is about health, not a number.  Besides, your clothes will begin to speak to you at about the 2 week mark.
• Pull out those dusty AA tools and apply them to this...they work.

I'll wait to hear from you guys.  I'm doing this no matter what because I feel so damn good right now.  You guys are welcome to hitch a ride if you want.

Namaste

Southern Fried Beast

At this point in my recovery, I've grown very used to being around normies/drinkers.  I entertain with booze available and I attend parties where alcohol is definitely flowing.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  My parties end earlier (because I'm not begging people to stay and have "just one more") and I'm no longer the last to leave a party (because there's WINE LEFT).  I go to sleep earlier and wake up without a hangover and I thank God for that every morning.

But, as I've said many, many times before, my beast is only sleeping.  Sure, he's sleeping the sleep of the dead and is almost in a sort of hibernation but make no mistake about it, he can be awakened.  In fact, he loves to be awakened.  He waits for me to give him a little shove so he can growl, stretch, and remind me that I'm an addict.

Like last evening.

Work functions are still a challenge for me.  Maybe it's because I AM an introvert and I always feel awkward in social, small talk situations.  Wine helped to loosen me up and relate to others better.  Sorry...but it's a fact.  Maybe it's because for years the only time I drank was when I traveled and was on my own.  When my kids were little I never drank at home and we seldom went out so when I traveled, my beast came along in my carry-on.  I don't know why but I still feel the pull when I out with colleagues or traveling with them (traveling alone is no big deal).

So last night I attended a prescheduled dinner with some of my colleagues from my office and some from our sister office in San Francisco.  I like all of these people and we know each other fairly well so small talk didn't even exist which was a blessing.  But when the wine arrived at the table and everyone was tasting everyone else's wine (mostly white...my favorite) I felt the familiar sensation of my mouth watering.

Shit.

But wait sports fans!  That's not the end of the story.

Because they chose a SOUTHERN CUISINE restaurant.  The kind that cooks the way my father (born in Nashville, raised in southern Virginia) used to cook.  Mac and Cheese that is put together and baked with a thick topping of crunchy something on the top and is considered a vegetable in the south.  Southern Fried Chicken the way they can only do it in the south - soaked in buttermilk and then breaded and then deep fried.  Creamed potatoes.  Buttered corn.  Creamed spinach.  Apple pie.  Pecan pie.  Jalepeno Corn Bread. Sweet tea.

Biscuits.  I love biscuits.  I mean really "I'd marry them if it weren't illegal in 36 states" love them.

Shit.

Swear to God that was WAY worse than the alcohol.  The wine only primed the pump.  Once my beast got a look at the carb feast that was about to unfurl, he jumped out of bed, put on his dancing shoes and tapped danced on my psyche all night!!!  And just when I thought it was over and I could escape to my comfy bed...

They ordered another round.

Well fuck me naked.

I stayed.  I breathed.  I prayed.  And...as usual...I made it through fine.  I was charming, I was witty and I stayed sober and carb free.

Dear God,

If last night was a test...I passed.  Could we move on now?

Thanks,
Sherry

Namaste

Half Way There

Week two is finished and I couldn't be happier.  That's not sarcasm and I'm not happy just cause it's over.  I'm really, truly happy with this!

I'm happy because I feel like I did before everything went to shit.  This is really how I used to eat.  I seldom touched sweets.  I didn't snack.  I did eat a lot of bread and carbs but I was a gym rat so I kept the weight down.  And, even with going out to dinner and eating rich food (I never ate dessert) I still managed to maintain my weight.  True...I was also still smoking which I know helped to fill that hole in my soul but it worked.

After the kids came along the every night restaurant meals went away and low fat home cooking was the blue plate special in our house.  I continued to work out like a crazy woman and it became easier to maintain my weight.

So this journey feels like...well...going home.

The biggest difference is how far I've come in recovery.  I may not have figured out how to fill the entire hole in my soul - notice I said in recovery not through recovery - but I have recognized it's existence and have begun to explore why it exists and how I got here in the first place.  In her ebook, "Break Your Sugar Addiction Today", Cynthia Perkins says that, for some of us, by feeding our reward pathways in the brain, we become desensitized to the pleasurable reaction we have to sugar, drugs, alcohol, sex, nicotine, caffeine and even some carbs.  We build a tolerance (hmmm....sound familiar?) and seek more and more of the substance of choice in order to provide the same "high".

When we remove one of the substances, we simply move on to the next.  And it starts in early childhood.  As a child we become addicted to sugar.  For me it was an escape from a screwed up household.  I guess I needed something to release those happy hormones cause it sure as shit wasn't happening at home.

Later I moved to nicotine (at 16) which shoved sugar aside as the drug of choice.  Surprise, surprise I lost weight.  As I "matured" I added alcohol.  Partly from peer pressure but I think more from the fact that I was becoming clinically depressed and seeking more and more pleasurable things to fill the hole in my soul.

Then, after realizing my own mortality, I removed nicotine...and began to gain weight...and recognized a serious depression issue.  I sought help and began medication.  But that's when the drinking REALLY began to escalate.

Then I removed the alcohol...and reverted right back to sugar.  Sigh...

So the difference this time is that I know that sugar will kill me because I'm an addict and one cookie is never enough.  On piece of chocolate won't cut it.  A small slice of birthday cake is an insult to my neurotransmitters.  That kind of thinking will kill me.  It has to go.  Now...that's not to say that I'll NEVER have a piece of wedding cake or bowl of ice cream or piece of Christmas fudge because I will.  But I'll understand the reaction my body has and I'll eat it knowing that I'll have a battle for the next day or so while I fight the beast in my head roaring...MORE.  I'll have to weigh whether that piece of whatever is worth the battle.  I have a feeling that more often than not, it won't be.  

Let's see...fight the motherfucker or remain serene.  Move from living in the moment to constantly fighting a craving that overtakes all of my thoughts and makes me a bitch.  Risk an early death or continue to enjoy my kids and grand-kids.  Put that way...I call bullshit on sugar.

I'm very respectful of the power that son of a bitch has but I'm also very familiar with where his weaknesses are and, more importantly, I know how to whisper a lullaby which can put him right back to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cheats from the Whole 30 week 2:

• Cheese in my morning ham and cheese omelet (weekends).  I'm getting a little sick of eggs at this point so I'm going to have to figure out what other options I have for breakfast.  
• A Friday Starbucks Latte.  
• Diet sodas...yes Mary...I'm still dancing with the devil.  But at least this time I'm leading.

Changes that surprise me:

• I'm craving fruit.  I have not been eating it even though it's allowed in Whole 30.  That's because Cynthia Perkins doesn't recommended it when trying to break a sugar addiction.  Plus, I don't really like much fruit.  But now I'm craving it?  I've added watermelon, grapes, pineapples and the emergency banana (when there's nothing else available) back in small doses.  I may have to amp that up this coming week.
• Scales and tape measures are not allowed until after 30 days.  This is huge for me because I was used to stepping on the scale ever freaking day.  This moratorium has allowed me to focus on how my body feels rather that what mass it takes up on the planet.  It's fairly liberating.  (But the shorts I wore yesterday I couldn't wear two weeks ago...just sayin')
• Raw cashews are really, really expensive.  That is all.
• My cravings have pretty much passed (you were right RoS...duh).  I sat at a function this week and stared directly into the soul of a piece of triple chocolate cake.  Nothing...nada...zip.  That was a huge relief.
• The quiet in my head has returned.  I actually did some yoga and meditation last week.  Baby steps back in the right direction.

So on to the second half of this journey.  I'm trying to live in the moment but I can't help but think that this is the way I want to live...forever.  We'll see.

Namaste
 

Week One Done...Boom

Note:  I think I'm going to update my No Sugar Science Experiment on Sundays as I move from week to week.  That way I won't bore you all to death and it will give me an opportunity to revisit the week in writing and make adjustments as necessary.

When I close my eyes tonight, I will have completed one week of my No Sugar Science Experiment (NSSE or Nessie for short.)  My apologies to Reneesme for stealing her nick name...never-mind, it's the dumbest name ever so screw it...it's mine.

I'm taking my cues primarily from the Whole 30 but I'm not adhering strictly to all of the principles so I feel like a fraud if I say I'm actually doing a "whole 30".  What I have done this past week is remove ALL refined sugar from my diet, ALL grains and ALL junk food and snacks.  And I have not slipped even once.

In fact, my son William and I went to lunch on Saturday at a local place famous for their wings.  I love wings...I mean really love them.  I could drink the sauce they put on standard Buffalo wings.  Did I mention how much I love them?  He had an order of boneless (cheater) hot honey BBQ wings with a side of French Fries.  Oh yeah, I also love the fuck out of some French Fries.

I did not so much as ask him for a bite of anything.  I ordered a house salad, sans croutons with balsamic vinaigrette on the side which I then poured all over my salad.  (Personally I think dressing "on the side" is pretentious and stupid.  Salads are meant to be dressed.  No one wants to see a naked salad.  It's unseemly.  But that's just me.)  What's more, I wasn't even miserable!  Not one little bit.  Progress.

My "cheats" or "slips" this week are as follows (although I prefer the term modifications):

• One cup of coffee per morning.  I'm no longer using artificial sweetener but I AM continuing to use International Delights French Vanilla.  You'll have to pry that from my cold dead hands.  Oh, I had two cups this morning.
• I'm still drinking diet soda.  Pepsi Max when I'm able and Diet Coke when I'm in a restaurant.  I try to keep it to two per day but sometimes I go overboard (imagine that).
• I made a fantastic Paleo dinner tonight (balsamic chicken, roasted garlic cauliflower, broccoli and fruit salad).  Please note that Paleo does not equal Whole 30.  Whole 30 is much more restrictive because you're resetting your body and detoxing from a lot of shit (which is another benefit of this diet...TMI). No sugar of ANY kind, very limited fruit, especially the high sugar kind, no dairy, etc. But since I had to convince my family that this was a good thing, I included a fruit salad of watermelon, grapes and fresh pineapple - and I ate a serving.  I'm not sure what this will do to me this evening when the beast is most active.  Suffice to say, this may be an early evening for me.
• I had a Starbucks Grande Skim Latte on Friday.  It was good.  I have no regrets.
• I chew gum on weekdays (mostly).  I used to smoke like a fiend when I drove and when I quit I replaced it with sugar-free gum.  I still chew gum when I drive.  I also chew bubble gum in the afternoon at work.  The full sugar kind.
• I'm not dairy free.  I put goat cheese on my daily lunch salad (chicken breast, romaine lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, olives, balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil).  I also put Colby cheese in my omelet yesterday and today as well as deli ham (I avoid luncheon meats because of the added preservative and chemicals but you use what you've got).
• Cranberry juice in my carbonated water in the morning.

So, which modifications does my beast LOVE?

• The cranberry juice in the water must go.  He loves that shit and whines constantly at me after I drink it.
• Gum is going to have to be only when I drive.  When I chew it other times, he shouts MORE MORE MORE, in my head so loud I could probably chew an entire pack in 30 minutes.  Not. Good.
• Almonds are a life saver right now but I have to be super careful...nuts have a lot of calories.
• The jury is out on the fruit.

Now here's the thing...

I feel better than I have in YEARS.  Pink cloud?  Maybe.  But I hope it's just a good diet.

I'm no longer tired all the time.  I no longer want to take a nap.  I'm not dosing off in front of the TV.  I have energy.  I'm...um...regular (this is cause for an alert on my CNN app on my phone people).  I'm eating because I'm hungry (or not eating because I'm not) as opposed to eating because there is something I simply MUST have.  Something that is calling my name from the cabinet or freezer.  I'll admit that midway through this week I felt like I had a hole somewhere that I couldn't fill but today...well...it seems to be full.  We'll see what next week looks like.

So while my diet feels decidedly boring and I'm occasionally whining about how "I'll never eat Ghiradelli chocolate chips again", I'm already thinking about what Paleo sanctioned treats I can make for my grandchildren when they come to visit this Christmas to replace the sugar laden baked good I usually make for them (and everyone else).

I wonder if there's a Paleo Monkey Bread?

Namaste

School Days

My children will return to school next week.  Wait...that's not right.

My grown ass men will either start or return to college next week. 

Shit.

I no longer have a child in the school system (public or private).  I am a grandmother, and while I have worn that title proudly for many years (15 to be exact), I have done so with a somewhat smug attitude.  After all, my stepdaughter is only 10 years younger than me so really, I wasn't old enough to be a grandmother...technically.  Then my niece had children and since my sister had her when she was 17, well...I remained smug.

When my nephew's baby came along it became official - I'm old enough to be a proper grandma.

No kids in school + grandbabies = old.  Sigh...

The vast majority of the time I bask in the glow of grandmotherhood and the fact that my "children" have grown into wonderful "adults" (for the most part anyway).  However, at times like this, when I look around and realize that the raising part of them has morphed into coaching and supporting, my heart aches for the feel of a little boy who smells like fresh air and dirt jumping into my arms after a day at preschool ready to tell me about his day. 

I even miss little boys who come home from school with skinned knees, bumped heads, or hurt feelings and just need their mom to kiss the boo-boo to make it better.  The boo-boos they get now need a helluva lot more than a kiss (from me anyway) to make them better.  They are grown up boo-boos and most of the time they suck ass...big time.

Damn I'm glad I quit drinking when I did. 

This feeling + wine = disaster of epic proportions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Science Experiment Update

To all you Whole30 or Paleo people out there or just the ones who have ditched sugar, I need some advice.  Right now I find myself thinking about food constantly and putting stuff in my face even when I'm not hungry (good stuff like yellow and red peppers and celery or a small amount of nuts).  It's like I'm trying to fill a hole and it just won't get full.

I have two questions:
1.  Is this because my body wants carbs and I'm not giving it to them?  Usually when I have a craving for something, if I don't get it then I end up eating everything on the planet to make it go away.  I'm thinking this is the same thing.  Yes?
2.  Will it pass?

Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend and remember, don't let anyone steal your happy - including your beast.

Namaste

Topping It Off

Not only did I make it through yesterday having to purchase all of my food, but I made it through last evening hosting a hen party where all I served was chips and dip...and wine.  I didn't touch one chip (I did lick some dip off a spoon but there were no carbs in it) and I didn't touch one drop.  Yay me!

Why?  Why is this so okay this time?

Planning.  I mentioned yesterday that I plan.  I'm smart enough to know that "plan" is just a euphemism for "control" so okay...I control.  My rock bottom when I was drinking began with a comment from the hubs followed by a week of planning (when, of course, I drank).  I chose a Thursday for my first day sober (1/7/10) and then drank myself stupid for a week (situation normal...all fucked up) until the very last day.  On that day, I went to the store and purchased my second favorite wine (they were out of my first favorite - I still regret not going to another store...lol) Cakebread Chardonnay.  It was $40 a bottle so it was a real splurge given that I had been drinking away our cash for some time.  It was also not the only bottle I drank that night...it was just the last.

I came home and showed my husband the bottle.  When his eyebrows shot up I said - this will be the last bottle of wine I ever drink...I want it to be a good one.  And that was it. The next morning I woke up (with a hangover of course) and I haven't had a drop since.  Stubborn?  Persistent?  Tenacious?  Who cares?  Whatever makes it work.

I did the same thing this time.  I started reading and research about a week and a half ago (after the scale incident) and then proceeded to try and eat my weight in chocolate - which, as we've already established, is a a fuck load of chocolate.  I gave myself free reign to pretty much eat whatever I wanted for that week and I topped it all off with a bag of Ghiradelli milk chocolate chips on Friday, Saturday and Sunday (yes...one each day) in addition to two pieces of cheesecake on Sunday (cheesecake is my favorite dessert in the world). 

And then...I was done.

So that's what's different this time.  I made a choice so therefore I don't feel deprived.  Instead I feel empowered.  Instead of hitting "rock bottom", I chose to "top it off".  To add that finishing touch before...I'm done.

I'm still not sure what will happen after 30 days...but I know I've taken a step to change my life.

Again.

Namaste

Day 3 of "The Experiment"

Thanks to everyone for all of your kind and supportive comments regarding this next phase of tackling my demons.  I've read about all I can read (Whole 30, Potatoes Not Prozac, Stop Your Sugar Addiction Today, The Paleo Plan, etc.) and guess what?  They all basically say the same damn thing to me.

I need to get sugar and most carbohydrates the hell out of my diet. 

I've known this for a long time (like I knew I needed to quit smoking and drinking...duh) but I've been igorning it, trying to moderate, trying to make it work my way.  Guess what else?  I suck at this making it work my way thing.  Yeah...like I didn't already know that.  Geez...

Anyway, for some reason that I can't figure out, this time is different.  Just like it was when I finally walked away from cigarettes and chardonnay...this time my heels are dug in and I'm going at this thing.

Here's how I know...

The withdrawals that I'm feeling and the things that I'm going through are EXACTLY the same ones that I experienced both with nicotine and alchohol.  I think I'm a pretty logical woman.  I'm know I'm a smart woman.  I can do that math.

This morning I woke up and found myself seated firmly on a pink cloud.  Haven't been there in awhile but I sure as hell recognize it.  That feeling of feeling good not only physically but psychologically as well.  Being proud of what I'm doing and knowing its the right thing.

Even though my pants were way too tight this morning, I didn't say one negative thing to myself or about myself.  It is what it is and it won't be that way long.

While I'm not sure I can grasp "forever" yet, I know I can do this for 30 days and I'm only promising myself those 30 days.  I'll reasses later.

I hit my "rock bottom" when my scale hit numbers I've never before seen.  I didn't cry (which I usually do), nor did say, "well fuck it  - might as well eat another bag of chocolate chips".  Instead, a feeling of resolve came over me and I began to plan.  When I start planning I know it's a sure thing.

And as if to solidify this whole situation for me - today something happened that made me SURE this was it.

I pack my food very carefully based on what I've learned over the last few days (I need some almonds in the afternoon, two eggs doesn't cut it in the morning, caffeine withdrawal sucks, "splashes" of cranberry juice in the evening wake up the beast and he pesters the shit out of me the rest of the evening) so that there is no reason for me to "slip".  This morning I walked out of the house without breakfast, lunch or snacks.

Previously this would have been a "fuck it" moment - but not today.  I searched the city (it's a very small city) until I found a restaurant with two boiled eggs and some plain greek yogurt (I skimmed off the fruit and granola and threw it away) so I could have breakfast. I refused to settle for a whole wheat breakfast wrap because I didn't want the wrap.  I returned to that same restaurant for lunch and created a salad that was very close to the one the hubs' makes for me.  At 4:00 or so I'll go down to the little store and grab some almonds.

And here's the most important part...not once did my mouth water for the pastries, bagels and other "breakfast" foods that are usually found in restaurants.  Not once did I crave one bit of it.  What's more...I would have gone hungry or bought some almonds before I caved.

So I'm still on track and since I've never made it to day three before, I take today as a huge victory for me.

Now we'll see what happens tonight.  Last night I threatened the hubs with the knife I was using to cut up my chicken. 

Hubs - "Honey, do you need some help?"

Me (annoyed because he made dinner for everyone else and forgot about me...remember, I'm not rational right now) - "You should probably just walk away and leave me alone right now...I'm armed."

Later...

Me - "You know it's me and not you right?"

Hubs - "I got your back babe."

He's a keeper.

Namaste

Anyone Know of a Good Journaling App?

So day one of the 30 day challenge was..meh.  Overall I did well but I did learn a few things.

I need more protein at breakfast.  I had two hard boiled eggs and buy 10:00 I was hungry.  I ignored it till lunch.  The hubs made me scrambled eggs this morning.  I was hungry at 10:00.  I texted him and told him I'd need to add some more protein (maybe chicken or ham) to tomorrow's breakfast and please remind me.  That's when he told me that he scrambled three eggs this morning...not two.  Shit.  Okay, maybe one less egg and a half a chicken breast or a slice of ham? 

Caffeine withdrawal is a bitch.  That one will have to be tabled until after the sugar one...if ever.  Today I have my two Pepsi Max's and even though it will likely spike my insulin, I'm drinking them with lunch so the protein will help to minimize that.  It's better than the freaking headache I had all afternoon and into the evening.

I need to be prepared with afternoon snacks. I crashed yesterday around 4:00.  I stopped at the little store downstairs and bought some almonds which I proceeded to devour.  Note to self - do not let me get that hungry again.

So as I'm learning these little lessons and, as my friend RoS said yesterday in a comment, conducting a science experiment (I love that!), I'm thinking I need something to record all of this so I can go back and look when I get confused.  (Let's face it - lack of glycogen to the brain is going to create confusion for awhile until my hormones and body stabilizes.  I need to leave my brain a trail of breadcrumbs..uh..almonds to follow until it finds a balance.)

Paper is nice but I don't always have it with me (much less a pen).  But I ALWAYS have my phone with me so maybe an app!  I'm not allowing myself to count one fucking calorie or get on the dreaded scale so MyFitnessPal is out as are any apps like that.  I want to be able to record what I eat and how I feel at different times during the day in a calendar format.

Any suggestions?

Namaste

Overcoming Sugar Addiction

I've posted about this many times before so if you're bored...feel free to sign off now.  I won't get my feelings hurt...much. 

I've been in a really ugly place when it comes to my relationship with my weight and sugar (any kind of carb actually).  The peace of mind I found after I quit drinking has been steadily going away for the last year or so and I didn't understand why.  Yes, I fucked around with my medication and that put me in a bad place but I'm out of that now and still, I can't seem to shut up that bitch that lives in my head.  She yammers on and on and on and no amount of meditation or yoga will make her be quiet.  Do you know why?

Because it's not the bitch that's yammering on and on, it's that motherfucking beast that also rents space in my head.  Addiction.

It's no secret that after we get sober we crave sweets - it's physiological.  We've eliminated a huge carb part of our diet and our bodies and brains are left craving the substance we've removed.  For me, it was a helluva lot safer for me to stuff my face with M&M's than to open a bottle or three of wine.  BUT - I've only succeeded in trading one addiction for another and that's what's been going on in my head.  That stupid fucking beast that starts as soon as my feet hit the floor and continues all freaking day.

Upon opening my eyes, "I am not going to eat poorly today.  No sugar.  No chocolate.  No cookies.  No cake. Today starts my journey to a healthier me."  Sound familiar?

Breakfast selection - Bagel or english muffin or greek yogurt with blueberries and honey or oatmeal (instant).  Breakfast result?  Fed the beast...he quiets down.  (Interesting that I think of my beast as male and the bitch that lives in my head as female. Good Lord if they ever mate I'll be in a world of trouble....oh well, that's another post entirely.)

Lunch - Usually a salad but I'm left craving bread to go with it.  Sometime I indulge, sometimes not.  If not, I'm down at the little store in our building buying sugar by 3:00 pm.  If I have eaten bread for lunch, I can usually make it home before he starts up again.

Walk in the door after work - search frantically for something sweet.  Sometimes I can stop myself and get a grip, sometimes not.

Dinner - ALWAYS has some kind of carb component.  It might be a better carb like whole wheat pasta or brown rice, but more often it's either potatoes, white pasta or white rice.  The good news is we always have a protein and a green vegetable.  More often than not I skip the carb and eat the meat and green vegetable.  But I always want bread to go with it.

After dinner - This is my weakest moment.  I'm tired and that damn beast is STRONG because I've been feeding him all goddamed day (little g).  I have little resistance as I go for the chocolate chips or cookies or whatever is in the house that I can get my hands on. 

And now that I'm really paying attention guess what?  It feels just like it did when I was drinking.  That all consuming feeling that if I have to, I'll get in the car and go get some chocolate.  I've asked the kids to go get it for me.  I've asked the hubs (after all, I've already taken off my makeup and I'm wearing my comfy bra...I can't go out in public without MAKEUP - some things are non-negotiable).  I've even made a batch of brownies (for the kids of course) just to get my fix.

Um...wait...what?

I can't live with this voice in my head chattering on and on about how I deserve the chocolate and how I'll start to eat healthy tomorrow or next week or next month or after the holidays or WHATEVER!  I can't live like that again.  I've battled that fucking beast before and I'll do it again.

And guess what else?  I'm not even sad about this one.  So what if I can't eat chocolate?  I thought I couldn't live without chardonnay and not only am I doing it, I'm happier than I've ever been!  So what if sugar and chocolate are everywhere?  Alcohol is everywhere too!  Normies are everywhere and some of them are my best friends and I watch them drink while I drink diet coke (which I am also supposed to give up...um...we'll see how that goes) and it no longer bothers me. 

I read a really good ebook this weekend that I was going to quote for this post but since it's expired and I don't know why (note to self - check this out) that really explained this addiction issue and helped me to understand that I'm not weak, it's not that I lack willpower, it's just that I'm an addict.  In fact, it looks like the sugar addiction was hardwired in my DNA and that those who are wired this way are more likely than anyone else to become addicted to drugs and alcohol (and also suffer from anxiety and depression).  By eating sugar as kids and young adults, we build a tolerance to the happy hormones eating it releases and we look farther and wider for our next fix. This next fix is generally a more adult selection - drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, gambling, shopping, etc.

And, according to the author, like drug and alcohol addiction, there is no cure and really, moderation is not possible.  We have to either abstain, or deal with that fucking beast yammering on and on and on till the end of days. 

So I'm going to test the hell out of her theory.  For 30 days, I'm abstaining from as many forms of carbohydrates (artificial, refined, natural, candy, cakes, pasta, bread, etc.) as possible and am going to pay very close attention to what's going on in my psyche.  I know that for at least the first two he's going to be raging like the damn fool beast that he is but that, in and of itself should be a sign to me right?  I mean, normies don't have beasts living in their head SCREAMING at them to eat a piece of bread do they?  Nope, they eat in response to their bodies telling them that they are hungry - not to their heads telling them.  Ding, ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!!!!

But, if it's like my other addictions (nicotine and alcohol), over time the beast should begin to wither and eventually, sleep.  I know it never dies...it just sleeps.

And it doesn't even snore so I should, finally, be able to find that peace of mind that I seem to have misplaced.

Namaste